Coming Out Godless: What's Your Story?

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What Atheism Means to Me

2009-03-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

(Via Ken Watts, What Atheism Means to Me: Part 1)

SOME TIME AGO, when I first put a scarlet A from the Out Campaign on my site, I also posted a brief explanation of what I meant by it, at the time.

Since then I've had to reconsider—not so much to change my views as to sharpen them. But I do see things a bit differently now.

Partly, this is a result of conversations with Christian friends. Most of the Christians I know are relatively liberal, and very intelligent. I'd like to think the two go together, but, unfortunately, I know some intelligent conservatives as well. The world doesn't always satisfy our deepest cravings.

In these conversations, I get asked an interesting question. It would be meaningless to anyone who hadn't, at one point in their life, been a very, very, serious Christian. But I was, and so I understand it.

After learning that I am no longer religious, or that I now self-identify as an atheist, they ask me about "my relationship with God".

The question doesn't bother me. (Well, not in any cosmic sense. It usually causes me a bit of discomfort in a social sense.) What does bother me—in the sense that it has made me think about exactly what I mean by "Atheist"—is my answer.

Because, in the moment, I do know exactly what they mean, and I have no trouble reassuring them that my relationship with god is better than ever.

An odd thing for an atheist to say? An even odder thing for an atheist to believe?

Yeah.

Regular readers blessed with sharp eyes may have already noticed a hint of the explanation. The word "god" in my response is not capitalized.

That doesn't mean I don't consider it important—quite the opposite.

I've made something of a point in these pages of distinguishing between Capital letter terms and small letter terms: between "Truth" and "truth", "Patriotism" and "patriotism", "Belief" and "belief", "Morality" and "morality".

The basic difference, in each case, is the difference between Orthodoxy and reality.

Not that Orthodoxy absolutely excludes reality. It's an impediment, not a complete barrier.

In fact, the experience of having a real (small-"r") sense of welcome and open connection with myself, my world, and the—excuse the theological expression—ground of my being is what I experienced as my "relationship with God" when I was in my friends' place.

I wouldn't have put it that way, then. I had different models, a different vocabulary. But that is how I would describe it now. And that sense has only gotten deeper.

In fact, I wonder, sometimes, if it is possible to fully enjoy that experience without a little Orthodoxy.

Note to my atheist friends: if the last sentence bothered you because it sounded vaguely heretical from an atheist point of view, you qualify.

But let me rush on to reassure you. I don't mean that atheists don't experience this connection. I think the connection is inborn, and the normal state of affairs, in all of us.

What I do mean is that it may be harder to notice if you've never had enough Orthodoxy around to disconnect you from it—to make you feel separated and out of touch with yourself, your world, the ground of your being. (And I might add that not all Orthodoxy is religious.)

If you've never experienced that disconnect you may be too much like a fish in water. You may not notice the connection, even though you have it.

That brings me back to the sophomoric title of this series: "What Atheism Means to Me".

(Via Ken Watts, What Atheism Means to Me: Part 2)

IN MY FIRST POST, I outlined some of the things that caused me to refine my ideas about atheism, which brought me back to the sophomoric title of this series: "What Atheism Means to Me".

What I've come to see, since I put the scarlet A on my site, is that it's not really about whether or not someone or something called "God" exists. It's about knowledge, how we get it, and how we know which ideas to trust.

"But there is no evidence that this designer, even if one exists, is anything at all like a human being, let alone an ancient near-eastern king."

I didn't get here by the normal road. I never rejected God, or even the idea of god—and there is a sense (which I'll get to) in which I still haven't.

I was surprised, in fact, to find myself an atheist one day, when I caught myself thinking about it clearly.

It all came down to the meaning of the word "God"—which has two referents, even in a religious context: the inner experience which some Christians (and some atheists and members of other religions) have, which I outlined above, and an exterior, Orthodox, cultural definition and collection of knowledge which lays claim to being objective.

The orthodox definition shows up in all those "proofs" of God's existence. They each have holes you could drive a Buick through, of course, but I won't be dealing with that here.

Rather, if you just take them at face value, without questioning, what do they really prove?

Some examples:

1. The argument from a first cause:

It claims to prove that there had to be a beginning cause of everything, and usually ends with something like "this cause is what we call 'God'".

So, even if the proof works, it hasn't proven that Jesus rose from the dead, that Mary was assumed, that "receiving Jesus as your lord and savior" will get you into heaven, or even that there is a heaven.

It hasn't proven that "God", as defined by the proof, is anything like a human being, that he is fairly represented by any given religion, that he has a will, that he has desires, that he "acts", that, in fact, he is a "he" or "she" and not an "it".

Even if the proof is sound, it demonstrates nothing that is not currently being considered in the realm of physics.

2. The argument from a prime mover:

Much the same situation. It claims there has to be a source of movement, or energy. It then says "this we call 'God'".

And, again, what would that prove? Certainly not whether abortion is right or wrong, or even whether such a thing as right and wrong exist.

Nor does it prove that this "prime mover" is identical to the "first cause" of the previous argument. It merely gives them the same name.

At most, it would demonstrate something that properly belongs, as in the previous case, to the realm of physics.

3. The argument from design.
This is the argument that there must be a "designer" since the universe is so beautifully designed. But there is no evidence that this designer, even if one exists, is anything at all like a human being, let alone an ancient near-eastern king.

Even if we were to (quite arbitrarily) toss out evolution and other natural processes as candidates, there is no guarantee that such a 'designer' would be anything like the normal, culturally accepted, idea of "God" as defined by religion, or have anything to do with a "first cause" or a "prime mover".

But I came at all this from the other side: the interior, experiential side.

(Via Ken Watts, What Atheism Means to Me: Part 3)

IN PARTS ONE AND TWO , I described some experiences which caused me to refine my idea of atheism, and some of the problems with claims to exterior, objective, knowledge about God.

"I began to think that perhaps it was a little dishonest to use the word in a way in which almost no one else used it."

But I came at all this from the other side: the interior, experiential side.

I began my journey as a believer. I've left the "b" in lower-case, because I really did believe in all I was taught, not as a cultural stance, but as a basic world-view. That, I think, is what saved me. (pun, I'm sorry to say, intended)

Since I always assumed that "God" was a term that designated something real in the world, and not just the accepted mumbo-jumbo of my tribe, I was always open to the possibility that the ideas handed down to me, Orthodoxy itself, might be flawed.

And so I struggled mightily, to reconcile what I was taught about God with what I knew about the real world and also with my own, internal, experience.

The result, which was over thirty years in the making, was an understanding of God as the totality of existence, which included myself, and person I was talking to, the person I had never met, supernovae, my dog, Hitler, Jesus, the quantum field, the mosquito biting your arm (hey, it's my list), the anthrax virus, and even George W. Bush.

I used to say, jokingly, to my friends that I was God, but that they shouldn't be alarmed, because they were, too. This didn't, of course, mean that I expected to perform miracles, or raise the dead, or claim to know what was right or wrong for others.

I arrived at this view precisely because I was so dedicated a theist, and because I wanted nothing more than to understand God as well as I could, and to interact with God as a reality, and not a mere cultural fiction.

I'm only talking about my own journey here. I can't claim that everybody who takes that stance would end up in that place, or where I ended up later.

Because it didn't stop there.

The bigger God got for me, the more inclusive the idea became, the less power Orthodoxy had. God was real, both in my experience and in an objective sense. Everything physics or chemistry or any of the sciences proved was more information about God.

And that was when god lost the capital "G". The idea of god had become completely real for me, and in doing so had lost all connection to tradition and authority.

There was no longer a distinction between god and anything else. By this time I no longer had a connection to religion. I was living a completely spiritual, and completely secular, life.

And then Dawkins had to spoil it all. He started the out campaign, and made me think about things a little more clearly.

What, exactly, did the word "God" mean?

I had to admit, that for most people, "God" did not equal the sum total of a secular universe. And I began to think that perhaps it was a little dishonest to use the word in a way in which almost no one else used it.

So I put a scarlet A on my site, and wrote a post, explaining my position.

But I think I'm a little clearer about that position, now.

(Via Ken Watts, What Atheism Means to Me: Part 4)

I BEGAN THIS RAMBLING ESSAY with a question which my Christian friends have asked of me, now that they know I am an atheist—what has happened to my relationship with God?—and with the fact that my most common answer is that it's better than ever.

Along the way, I've pointed out that there are two referents for the word God:

1. The internal, subjective, experience, and

2. The set of beliefs which are taught to believers, and which claim to be objective knowledge about the real world.

And I've given a brief account of the evolution of my understanding and experience, until I came to the place where I put a scarlet A on my site, and wrote a post explaining my position.

But I think I'm a little clearer about that position, now.

I now think that the real point is not about God, or god, at all. It's about reality with a small "r", and about the relative value of Orthodoxy and experience.

It can be summed up in the answers to two questions:

1. Is there "something out there", which we can be in relationship with, and which is "bigger than all of us", and yet remains a mystery?

Yes.

It's the real world, and we are part of it.

We relate to it, both objectively and subjectively, constantly—by using the best models we can find for interpreting it, by being true to our own inmost nature, by relating to each other, by taking care of the planet we live on, by doing science to learn more about it, by feeding the cat.

In fact, we can't avoid relating to it.

You can call it god, if you like, but the name you give to a reality doesn't change that reality one whit. (You can call an electron a "wave" or a "particle", but you're only naming the model you're using. The electron remains itself .)

2. Is there any evidence at all that any one of the thousand and one Orthodoxies that can be found in almost any state or nation has any claim to knowing more about ultimate reality than the average person on the street? Is there any way at all to judge which one has better models than another?

None whatsoever.

Your pastor, priest, or favorite theologian has no reason to believe that he or she has more insight into the nature of the "first cause" or "prime mover" than you do.

Their pronouncements on that subject, like an ancient Roman priest's pronouncements on the nature and desires of Zeus, are about culture , not ultimate reality.

As such, they may be useful, even extremely valuable in some cases, but they shouldn't be taken literally—and definitely shouldn't be taken as infallible.

Insofar as theology claims to be the source of objective knowledge about external reality, it has been clear since the enlightenment that science was the new theology.

What has all this got to do with my answer when people ask me about my "relationship with God"?

Why do I answer that it's "better than ever", and why do I believe what I say?

It's got to do with the difference between reality itself and the models we use to perceive, and talk about, reality.

The "relationship" they're speaking of is a real thing: the awareness of a connection with life, the universe, and everything—and the act of embracing that connectedness.

I'm actually grateful to my Christian background, since it's where I learned the importance of that stance.

But I've also found that Orthodoxy gets in the way—stands between a person and reality by dictating the models that must be used, and the conclusions that must be reached.

So, paradoxically, it was my very seriousness about Christian spirituality that ended up leading me away from the church.

It was that relationship, that connection, that brought me here. And I'm more aware of that connection, more at home with it, more connected than I was in the church.

The difference between me and a theist doesn't lie in the reality itself, but in our models, our interpretations of that reality.

I no longer interpret life, the universe, and everything through the model of a larger than life, invisible human being—both because of the peculiarities of my own internal journey and also because I just don't think the model is a very likely fit, from a practical point of view, given what we really do and don't know about—well, about life, the universe, and everything.

But the reality, the experience itself, I now find to be better, and deeper, more real and satisfying, than when I called it "God".

Which makes me believe that "better than ever" is the most honest, and relevant, answer I can give to their question.

At least, that's what I think today.

Sonny's Story

2009-03-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

(Via Sonny Myhrr)

When I was a baby I saw my father for the first time and at that time I knew I would Die young and suffering. My grandfather died young suffering. I saw an image of him while I was in my crib looking into the sunlight!

I have always been smart and a quick learner. An example of that is when I was 3 I wrote to Fox the t.v. station and requested that the little house on the prairie would be stopped from being aired. I did this because my older half sister watched it religiously and I hated it.

I don't believe in God or much of anything spiritual except that art and love are a positive force. I have a few diseases that are genetic and I suffer greatly! The spiritual claim ignorance toward me when I exclaim my pain.

I have been suffering since I was four. I called a church at the age of 20 and asked the catholic priest if it were possible that the Devil were after me. He said that the holy bible holds the answers but the fact is that it is a schizophrenic literature hands down.

I think the devil is a woman who can become men and women and may have created the versions of spirituality. I feel she is not greater than anyone as a matter of fact she might be despised and destroyed by each thing ever. So she is what I consider the religious to believe in.

I am 29 years old and will die within 10 years. I would rather not have witnessed this life nor lived it but I see no reason to give up just because I am surrounded by sin and things that will never ever be worth while.

The new album by Drowning Pool is like I wrote it, word for word it is how I feel. Listen to it if you have read this and don't understand. I am godless and love being independent and free!

Jeff's Story

2009-03-11T17:25:00.000-07:00

(Via Jeff Clanton)

There was no set day. No event. I've been an atheist for over ten years. I argued existence in college with buddies and I've made it known on occasion to my family for years. Recently, I became active in the movement. My participation includes debating and posting on YouTube, posting the great YouTube vids I've found on my Facebook and MySpace pages and inviting my Christian friends to discuss religion.

I've had a few friends delete me since becoming outspoken. Sad as it was, I felt very liberated by my decision to make a stand for what I know to be reasonable and good. Surprisingly, many of my Christian friends have been supportive in my endeavors and see the problems I present. Many of them have commended me for having the courage to speak about my views in spite of their unpopularity. I've earned their respect. It has been my great pleasure to learn that most of the fears I carried about what people would think are of little merit compared to reality.

Nigel's Story

2009-03-10T09:42:00.000-07:00

(Via Nigel)

I was raised Christian. My parents started out as good Baptists, ‘heard’ from God to move from England to Australia, became Pentecostals, ‘heard’ again to move from Australia to Canada and left the organized church. I pretty much bought into all of it.

I wound up on an ‘End time farm’, involved in the ‘Move of god’. The end times were here and god was going to make us his chosen people.

So what happened to make me an Atheist?

As a young married couple my wife and I found ourselves rebelling against the authority of the eldership at the communal farm. We left but still attended meetings of the Move cult. As we lost interest in this we started attending more mainline churches. We more or less lost interest in those too.

I suppose I was a backslidden christian for the next 20 years or so. I didn’t hate god but quit praying. I more or less just didn’t care.

And then ... Our younger son came out to us. He is gay. He told us how he went to church as a kid and prayed to god that he could be normal and not be attracted to other boys. (God didn’t help much there.) Anyway, one of the things he told us was: Either god created him as he is, god screwed up and he turned out gay or ‘I am what I am’ and there is no god. My original understanding was the first option but it started me thinking. He is what he is and there is no god.

Wow! It has been a journey since then and has taken a few years to really start to get my feelings together. I am using reasoning and reading as much as I can. I don’t believe. Prove me wrong and I will listen. Just don’t quote the bible.

We Don't Need No Stinking Closets

2009-03-09T13:49:00.000-07:00

(Via Godless Bastard)

I never came out of the atheist closet because I was never in it. Even as a small child I knew that religion was pure bunk. I'm no smarter or more aware than anyone else, and not that I would expect every young child to come to such a terminal realization, but I just can't wrap my arms around how any sane and (even marginally) intelligent adult would believe such utter nonsense.

Another Person Walks Away From Christianity

2009-03-01T18:51:00.000-08:00

(Via Eddie Owens)

Not long ago I received the following email from Ed Owens, who lives in Missouri and attends a Church of Christ there with his wife, who still believes. Here’s what he said:

I'm a 50 year old man from Missouri who preached for almost 30 years for the Church of Christ. Several months ago I read Joe Holman’s article at minister turns atheist and began my study of why he would do such a thing. I am now convinced by my own studies of the absurdity of the book called the Bible. My family on both sides are all members of the church and are now giving me pure hell about it. I'm seeing a psychologist at the request of all the family. They seem to think she will reconvert me, I guess. That's their knee-jerk response; I must be coo coo or something like that.

In another email he added:

I was raised in a Church of Christ family and was baptized at the age of 19 by my sibling brother who is an Evangelist for the Church of Christ. We are the one cup one loaf no Sunday School group. My wife also has the same roots in the Church and still does. My brother and I married sisters. He got the younger and I got the older. He is eight years older than me. My wife is seven years and a few months older than I am. She was married before to the same guy twice while away from the church. When she returned and confessed her unfaithfulness to the church and asked God's forgiveness she was reinstated as a member in good standing.

I began preaching in 1978 at the tender age of 20 and gave it all fervor and conviction that I could muster. My Dad was a preacher for the CofC and an Elder for many years so you could say I was following in his steps as was two of my siblings besides me.

I came across Joe Holman's article on the internet entitled “minister turns atheist” and I couldn't help but wonder what would possess someone who was once a minister to turn to atheism. To make a long story short I studied his arguments and many other atheist arguments and found the Scriptures severely lacking in credibility and accuracy. I've been in touch with Joe and have corresponded quite often in the past few months.

I left the church and had it announced last Wednesday evening of my intentions. It came as quite a shock to some but not to all. My poor wife came unhinged when she began to discover my intentions. She has settled down somewhat in the past week. I told her I would attend with her on Sundays if she wanted and of course she does. How long that will last I have no idea. It is very difficult to set through a service and listen to a message that is full of error and conjecture and not be tempted to jump up and declare, "It is a bunch of hooey!" You know what hooey is, don't you? I thought so. DUNG! MANURE! KA-KA!

When the de-conversion started I was devastated!!! I felt like I had been lied to all my life. I was raised to believe the scriptures were without error and had no contradictions whatsoever. When I took the blinders off and began to see the multitude of errors and contradictions I became angry and tried to point them out to my Evangelist brother, who by the way had been my mentor all my life, and how he might see the truth of all this. You can imagine the result. He began to tell me how deluded I was and not to read that junk, as he called it, it would just confuse me and warp my mind. I tried time after time to illustrate the errors to him but he would not hear of it. He and I no longer speak to each other. He's refused to answer my email because he can't control the situation by his overpowering personality and make me shut up!

I've tried subtly to show others the errors and to no avail. I've even been told to quit trying to proselyte members. Any advice you can give me I sure would appreciate it!!! My wife belittles me at every turn claiming that I'm headed for Hell if I don't change and repent. My brother likewise gives me fits. He is an Evangelist for the church and at one time my dearest and closest friend, past tense!

I told him that until he put his foot down they wouldn’t leave him alone, so he composed the following letter and read it after last Wednesday's services:

It has come to my attention that some folks believe I have lost my mind. I believe the term was mentally ill. Let me assure you each and everyone that is not the case.

I stand before you this evening to set the record straight. I AM NOT MENTALLY ILL.

I am quite sane, I assure you. If this does not persuade you then you may call my analyst, who I have been seeing at the request of family and friends, and will verify what I have just said. I have given written legal permission to divulge my mental state.

People sincerely disagree on a host of issues, from who should be the next President, to which diet is best for losing weight. No one ever thinks to say that people who disagree about such issues is mentally ill. So why should that be the case here? Many of us have decided to walk away from the Christian faith, including former Church of Christ preachers Farrell Till, Joe Holman and John W. Loftus. I no longer believe for the same reasons you don't accept Islam or Mormonism, and no one considers those who don't believe them to be mentally ill for doing so.

Now, that having been said, I wish to make some things crystal clear so that not a single person misunderstands why I am up here.

1. I am no longer a member of the church.

2. I do NOT need reconverting PLEASE RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO TRY!

3. I will not debate, verbally converse, or argue with ANYONE on the issues surrounding my decision to leave the church.

4. If you feel so disposed to chastise me, I reserve the right to respond in kind. When you do, realize that you are only reinforcing my decision by not showing that you care for me as a person.

5. I still love each and every one of you irregardless of your feelings toward me. I really do.

6. I may attend services from time to time out of respect, but I will be attending less and less, since it would be no different for you if you were asked to attend a Jewish service, which you don't believe. I admire your convictions even if I do not share in them.

7. I have been accused of trying to de-convert members with emails. I submit material for consideration by email and when I am told to stop, I DO!

In conclusion, I understand your concern for my spiritual well being. You have voiced it and I have heard. Now, please stop. I am assuming full responsibility for my own actions from this point forward.

You will not appreciate my decision I am sure, but you are going to have to learn to accept it because I am confident upon the ground I stand.

Then the shit hit the fan. Here’s what he wrote me last night afterwards:

I read the letter to the congregation after services had concluded and it was instant fireworks! My brother had to put in his two cents worth.

He claimed the analyst was my own decision, which was a lie, and then shouted that I was dis-fellowshipped. I thought that was really strange since I had just announced my own leaving of the faith. I asked if I was banned from the church assemblies and he said no, there was no need for me to attend ‘cause I would just be a hypocrite by doing so. I should have called him on the carpet right in front of everyone about not following scriptural process of dis-fellowship, but I didn't, I just walked out.

I know I did the right thing but now my wife has no intention of attending that congregation any longer. She says she will attend where my daughter goes.

Thanks again for your support.

Why in the hell do Christians have to make it so hard on us when we no longer believe? I’m proud of Ed. He did what was necessary and right. He's one of our unsung heroes. And I’m also proud of his wife for loving Ed enough to leave that church over it.

Not My God

2009-02-26T11:45:00.000-08:00

(Via Sarah Trachtenberg)

My own atheism developed not so much out of enlightenment or disillusionment, but out of annoyance. The novelty of Hebrew school wore off after the first year (Hebrew School is where well-meaning Jewish parents send their malleable Jewish offspring, just as Christians send their children to Sunday School). Contrary to what many non-Jews think, Hebrew school's purpose is to teach about Judaism; learning Hebrew itself is further down the list of priorities. I was required to go Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays for two and a half hours each day, in addition to services many weekends and holidays (holidays accumulated a lot over four thousand years or so). Since I didn't want to be there, I began to ask questions to express my irritation at being forced into this particular after-school activity.

“How do we know these Bible stories really happened? Did archaeologists dig up video tapes or something? If God is everywhere, is He in the toilet? Why does God care if we pray if He can read minds? What did Noah do about all the sea animals?”

I was nine years old. These are the kind of questions any smart-ass, red-blooded American kid might have felt compelled to ask her religious and spiritual instructors, except that I came to think about them seriously. My teachers were kind and patient and explained to me that the point was to have faith, to be close to God, and that the stories themselves were not important so much as the spirit of the message. I remember a lesson we read about how tellings of events, such as the ones in the Bible, changed over time, even though the kernel of truth remained. Or did it?

Religious activities had some pretty bad associations for me, anyway. My mom reprimanded me for yawning during Saturday morning services. We had a couple of pretty bad fights after synagogue, and one time at home she ordered me to recite a prayer I was learning in Hebrew school. I just stood there, cowardly, unable to recite-- I suppose I did not want to be ordered around that way and was worn down after years of “shut up and pray.” After a few endless minutes of me standing there, speechless, she prodded, “Well?” I felt berated and humiliated. If all this stuff was supposed to endear me to God, it did not; it drove me further and further away...

My mother, the religious parent who made me go to Hebrew school in the first place (my dad had a laissez faire attitude about the whole thing and my parents were getting divorced around this time, anyway), wasn't well-pleased when I told her that I didn't think God or the Torah were true. I started to think that scientists did not believe in God. She argued with me on that point, saying that Albert Einstein believed in God, and the more he learned about the universe, the more he believed. As an adult, I learned that that was not true, or at least it was hotly debated.

Time went on; I still resented Hebrew school. For what it was worth, many of the kids did. Kids who quit to make time for other extra-curricular activities like gymnastics were held up to us as bad examples. We were warned not to quit after our bar/bat mitzvahs, as did so many other kids, counting their money once the party was over, feeling that they had done their time. One particularly resistant kid, a year older than me, started Hebrew school and they let him start in my year, ketah dalet (fourth year), to be among his age-mates. That was not fair; if he could skip years like that, why couldn't I? But the worst was yet to come.

The irrelevance of god

2009-02-02T09:43:00.000-08:00

(Via ArchangelChuck)

Okay, I'll bite. My story isn't as interesting as most people's. The realization of -- and reconciliation with -- my nonbelief was nothing special. There was no epiphany, there was no grim realization that everything I believed and had been told most of my life was a lie. There was no great divide in my family, no in-fighting between relatives, no friends turning their backs on me, no girlfriends leaving because they couldn't stand the thought of my burning in hell... On the bright side, there were no more church services, no more preachers, no more readings from that insane, apparently divine, book...

There was just inner peace. That's all any of us really want, isn't it?

From early childhood, I was raised in a Christian family; well, as Christian as we could make ourselves appear, anyway. We hosted church groups in our home, we attended church every Sunday, and in general we have always been good, decent people. Hell! I even attended a Christian school for as long as we could afford it. There was a problem, though. My mom was divorced two or three times by around the time I was born, and I've been raised by a single mother for most of my childhood. (Oh, and she had a Buddha in the house, which was apparently why our family fell on so many hard times. Digressing.) Though I never realized it in my young naïvité, we were always looked at as freaks. In the world of religion, the pinnacle of naïvité is the thought that being a good and decent person is enough. The sad, pathetic reality of religion is that everybody around you has to pry into your personal life and judge you -- from what little they know about the "wisdom" of the Bible -- based on what little they know about your situation. Everybody is a spy, a snitch, and a gossip, and nobody will hesitate to turn on you the moment they find some dirt. Nobody will ever stop to listen to your side of the story, because the verdict is already in. When you're presumed guilty, everything you say is a lie. Where is the peace, the happiness, that common decency toward one's fellow man?

There are no friends in religion.

When I was still being compelled to attend church, I spent most of the time ignoring the preacher and the people around me who were babbling in "tongues" and pretending they were all one step closer to heaven than I was. They would read the bible out loud, and after every sentence or two, "PRAISE THE LORD! HALLELUJAH!" Then stop every five minutes to pray, as if their god really wants them to keep interrupting. Have you had someone tap you on the shoulder every five minutes to tell you something you already know? Isn't it annoying?! Bored as I was, I drew. I studied the bible on a depth that nobody in that room could ever comprehend, and realized how bonkers it was. I even started reading evil secular books during church. It was scandalous, but everyone else was too preoccupied with their delusions to notice.

Was my faith being challenged, or was I incapable of it in the first place?

The fact of the matter is, I've always been an atheist, and simply was never aware of that fact. I never really believed -- even though I said I did -- and I never really cared. It was convenient to say I believed, because nobody thought they had to proselytize to me. In reality, I was more interested in video games than I was in pondering about mythical space daddies in the sky. I was more interested in having fun with friends than being manipulated through guilt and fear with people I neither knew nor cared about. Having a choice between attending a youth bible study with people I knew and tolerated and playing Quake 2 online with people I knew better and actually liked, guess which one I chose without a second thought?

It took no thought; God was just never relevant in my life, and that's just the way it was.

Only

2009-01-09T10:27:00.000-08:00

(Via Henners)

I am 16, but that is irrelevant as time is illusion. I accept the ebb and flow of things, nurture them, but do not own them.

Inspiration isn't a strong enough word

2009-01-09T10:25:00.000-08:00

(Via Michael Caton)

I have no coming out story; I consider myself very lucky to have been raised atheist. But it's worth submitting here that everyone who comes out in a religious family or community has earned the undying admiration of me and every other atheist in the world.

Why I'm a Humanist

2008-12-12T15:21:00.000-08:00

(Via Abi)

Before I start rambling, if you want to know what Humanism is all about....

I thought I'd write about my reasons for being Humanistic...

I had an odd and sort of fractured childhood, but when I was very little I remember my parents were evangelistic Christians, or whatever the correct term is.... I didn't often get to go to their church - it was an odd, small 70's box of a building, and inside there were 'new age' Christians in white robes, who would push you over with the power of Christ (or rather, their hand) it scared me really, and the way my parents talked about God made me feel uncomfortable, because I had little seeds of doubt right from the start...

Later on, after we moved house, my parents tried the local (more um, normal) church, and disliked it, so they seemed to forget about Christianity, and never really mentioned it again. Sunday turned into a day which was spent lounging round the house drinking wine until Mum saw double....

When I met Tony (my husband) I hadn't really thought about God all that much, I think it's much easier in the UK to just avoid religion, as it doesn't seem as culturally important here as in the US and other countries... but when you get into a proper relationship, you discuss everything don't you, so naturally, eventually it came up.... I thought of myself at that time as an Agnostic, I was sitting on the fence, not really caring about making my mind up. Tony on the other hand is a supremely logical creature (or at least thinks he is, but it's just 'man' logic, and therefore incorrect most of the time ;) ) I found myself agreeing with a lot of the things he said - that there is no proof of a higher power, there never has been proof, that a lot of things in the bible are impossible (the lack of evolution, the whole nativity story etc etc) and over the next few months I decided to become an atheist...

There were a few things that troubled me about being an atheist - for a start when I said 'I'm an atheist' I felt it was a sort of negative statement... I was in effect saying 'I don't believe in God' which can be easily twisted into 'I don't believe in much of anything'.... also faith is important to me. How can you be an atheist but value faith? Well, I started by attempting to have faith in myself, I believe in myself. I have lost that belief from time to time, sometimes for long periods, but it always returns.... I have faith in my ability to be a good person, a person of worth, a loving, caring human. But that was just not quite enough, it was a very closed bubble of faith, and it didn't feel quite comfortable....

So I started to expand my bubble.... I didn't just believe in myself, I didn't just have faith in myself... I had faith in Tony, my children, people close to me.... then I realised after a while that I have faith in humanity. It dawned on me that I have an integral faith in human beings and humanity as a whole. Humanity may go astray from time to time, have it's bad apples and bad moments but intrinsically I feel that humanity has this amazing capacity for caring, and love.... and I have faith in that, a very strong faith. I also believe that each person, no matter how much they have strayed, no matter what they may have thought or done, can find the happiness, the caring and the love inside themselves, if they are willing. Some people may need a lifetime of professional care, but I think a glimmer of that 'goodness' will shine through. I have faith in people.

It took a while for me to realise that this was Humanism... or at least my own form of Humanism. My mother in law Phyllis has recently started talking to me about her Humanistic beliefs, and the Liverpool group she is thinking of joining..... rather than converting me she helped me to realise that this was what I had been believing in all along. I'm looking forward to having people to share it with.

My beliefs may seem very naive, and I find the problem I have with expressing them to others is that the age card gets pulled a lot.... a few people have laughed off my beliefs and told me that when I have 'lived a little' I will lose my faith in people..... I would offer those people the chance to walk in my childhood shoes, in which I met a few people who did evil things.... and then see if they would tell me the same thing. I believe that people who do evil things still have the capacity for good - it's not God given, it is residing somewhere deep within themselves.

Anyway I should shut up, Come All Ye Faithful has just come onto Classic Fm and I feel suitably sinful ;) ;)

Still in hiding

2008-12-07T15:49:00.000-08:00

(Via Kourtney)

I'm agnostic. I have been for the pasted 5 years. I never told my mom until she found it on my MySpace page. She confronted me about it and I confirmed it. My dad is clueless though but I have no doubt my mom told him.

Ups and Downs

2008-12-03T13:44:00.000-08:00

(Via Lindsey Turner)

Five weeks ago I came to the bloody realization that I had been lying to myself for about 19 years, I never questioned God this hardcore or even thought about being an atheist. It made so much sense to me when I came to the realization that I was actually in the right for once. I told my parents, utterly devout people(dad is pastor), and they kicked me out of the house. Needless to say, thanksgiving was just dandy. Now I am off to make a completely new life for myself and it is fucking refreshing!

Six Confirmations & Evolution Confirmed - Again

2008-11-10T09:45:00.000-08:00

(Via Jerry Brown)

"Six Confirmations"

Over the past several years I have become increasingly aware of the futility of promoting atheism as a worldview to the general public. This is, admittedly, an almost complete turnabout from my former position, but it has been necessitated by subsequent study, observation, and a desire not to be deceived.

In the past two weeks six events have strongly confirmed this opinion. Two were Skeptics meetings at Caltech, each attracting a full-house crowd (which paid a minimum of $5 per head.) One featured Richard Dawkins discussing his new book, An Ancestor's Tale, the other a talk on critical thinking and the graphic display of information. Last week at Santa Monica College there was an excellent talk on learning, early brain development, and how easy it is to be deceived. This one also to a packed house with people sitting in the aisles. That evening I went to a meeting of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, which featured a dynamic talk on creationism vs. evolution in the educational system. Many in this group are atheists, but their objective is the very important one of keeping religion and government separate.

The next night at the Glendale Library I heard an impassioned speech detailing dangers in the policies of the current Administration, with special emphasis on their theocratic, corporate globalism aspects. Although in some of these talks there were hints of the absurdity and danger of religious belief, the word "atheism", to the best of my recollection, was never mentioned.

Finally, last night at a local discussion group the subject of origins came up. I said that in my opinion the least troublesome explanation is that the universe has always existed, and always will, having no beginning and no end. Another member, no fundamentalist, but a "spiritual" type, disagreed, saying she joined a church because she believes there has to be a "first cause." Ok, I said, if everything needs a cause, then what caused that "first cause" (i.e. God)? Silence all around.

And therein lies my point. The vast majority of humans simply cannot accept what all the evidence shows - that this life is all there is, that there's nothing beyond it, and that the ultimate questions as to why, when, and how everything came to be may never be answered. These people need an answer, so they turn to religion, which gives them one. Probably a wrong one, but that doesn't matter. It's something they can hang onto. Like my aunt who finally discovered why her son had so much bad luck. He was born on Friday the 13th! In her mind, that explained it, and she was relieved.

With highly educated scientists, after hundreds of years of painstaking investigation by their profession steadily pushing "God" further and further into the background, still believing in some form of godism, the conclusion is inescapable: religion is not going to go away. The need for it is hardwired into most human brains. I'm finally having to acknowledge, albeit grudgingly, the truth of a statement I once read in a psychology textbook: Man needs religion, but some have paid a high price for it.

They have indeed, and they will continue to. It's in their genes. Don't get me wrong. I'm just as strong and proud an atheist as ever. But I cannot continue deluding myself by expecting vast numbers of people to join me in this view. I should instead support efforts to keep the superstition steamroller from crunching our Constitution into rubble. I would encourage all atheists to do likewise. This effort has never been more needed. It is essential that we win. To do that, we must close ranks and set our sights in the right direction.

"Evolution Confirmed - Again"

Every time I get out on the roads I am impressed (not favorably) by the drivers who roar around me so they can jam on their brakes to stop at the upcoming red light. That way, they force me to stop also, whereas otherwise none of us might have to. Not to mention unnecessary tire and brake wear.

And for what? They got one car length ahead of me, and they won their little game of one-upmanship. What is it that causes presumably intelligent people to behave so illogically? The other day while observing this ridiculous behavior once gain, it suddenly dawned on me that I was seeing the truth of Dobzhansky's observation that nothing in biology makes sense except in the light of evolution.

Here was a manifestation of the primitive survival drive in action: Those who get there first have the best chance at food and mates. Never mind that in the "civilized" life that we have made for ourselves many of these ancient, automatic actions are no longer appropriate and may be dangerous. They are programmed into our brains, most of which have not evolved sufficiently to override primitive instincts. Most people (at this basic level at least) seem to be running mindlessly on their limbic systems, oblivious to the problems they are creating for their fellows. Me first, and to hell with you!

This same explanation can account for many other troublesome aspects of human society. Why do we hoard? Why do we overeat? Why the exploitive excesses of economic systems? Why can't socialism work? Why are people who are "different", those who have disabilities, or whose sexual, philosophical, or other preferences set them apart from the mainstream shunned, denied equal access, and considered outcasts from society? Why do we humans behave so much like other animals? Because we ARE animals, and at the genetic level are not as different from what we like to call the "lower" ones as we would like to think. In fact, we are remarkably similar, carrying in our genes much of the same information. The main thing setting humans apart is that we have a brain more complex than any other creature we know of. This enables us to think about ourselves and, in principle at least, avoid being slaves to the "selfish gene."

Can we do it? My guess is that, claims about "free will" notwithstanding, we cannot, at least in the foreseeable future. The pathway from the primitive to the more modern part of the brain is much easier than in the other direction. Hence nurture has a hard time prevailing over nature.

Lest this sound too pessimistic, I think we must not give up. We must keep searching, questioning, learning all we can about how this amazing blob of protoplasm really works. The first step on that road is acceptance of the FACT of evolution, and the rejection of the ancient myth of creation. It would also help to acknowledge that there is no inherent plan or purpose to any of it, and that whatever meaning we want in our lives we must make for ourselves.

An important part of that meaning, it seems to me, should be to learn all we can about what we are and where we came from, and to make this life (the only one for which we have any evidence) the best we can for all sentient beings.

Nature doesn't care. We can, and we should.

Here in the Heart of Dixie

2008-11-06T16:01:00.000-08:00

(Via Ian)

When I was young, very, very young, I was a Christian. I grew up in a very hardcore Christian family, and so never really questioned in my earliest years anything about religion.

The process of becoming an atheist was unnoticed by me, meaning that I simply didn't care enough to think about it. I have always been a doubter of everything my family showed me and taught me, and a doubter of everything for that matter. That doesn't mean that the doubt was merely rebellious, in an irrational, anger, blind way, but rather curious, independent, and benevolent. I had to see and learn everything firsthand, and still do. So I basically just ignored everyone around me who was only talking about meaningless Jewish history or the prospect of being good solely "because God's watching".

The question of religion presented itself by way of me volunteering at the zoo in some teen program, where I could walk around the zoo with one of the small animals and let the people pet them, which was really fun. That was the first time I was ever introduced into an environment that was not overtly Christian, that was where I could finally talk about religion and the concept of God in a skeptical way, and that was when I finally, concretely thought to myself that I was an atheist.

I had no internal conflicts about my atheism, but many about whom to tell. Today I tell my family that the reason I kept that secret for so long was because I did not want to hurt them. That is true, but I wonder whether it was really because I was sort of afraid of the reactions. I often thought about what they would think, how they would react, and how deep they would get if they talked or argued about it, if at all.

To this day, I have told only ONE person: my mom. Now, my father, two kid sisters, and grandparents "somehow" also know. The only reason I told her was because she had been nagging at me for awhile and relentlessly about how I need to find "God's Will" for my life. Also, I let her know only because I thought she would still think I was going to Heaven somehow, and wouldn't have a heart attack or anything like that, since, to her, I had already once been "saved" at some point in my life.

"What would they think?" I was wrong to think that they would still believe in my "salvation" and passport to Heaven. Apparently I had never really been saved and am currently going to Hell. Even though I still find that funny, I really didn't want to put them through that kind of emotional state. Now, however, even though I love them, I do not feel any sympathy towards anguish which exists solely in their minds and on a fallacy. Obviously, I seriously miscalculated what they would think.

"How would they react?" Not well. They would cry. A lot. Then yell some, go talk with some counselor about the curse of having a wayward son, and cry some more for good measure. Again, I miscalculated the true level of their ignorance and insanity.

"How deep would they get if they talked or argued about it, if at all?" I love them, but they are indeed swimming in the kiddie's pool. The whole of the "arguments" I have heard so far consists of pure drama and popular bromides, with such phenomena as "So, do you just hate God, now?", "Does God know that you don't believe he exists?", and "There are no atheists in foxholes." This last was said by my dad the day I aced the D-LAB (the hardest test ever devised) and officially signed up for my U.S. Air Force job: airborne linguist. Out of all the things anyone has ever said to me that I would usually regard as stupid and therefore worthy to be ignored, this is the one that stung, badly. I almost considered making a scene and somehow banning him from coming to my basic graduation at Lackland.

As of the time I'm writing this, I'm living with my grandparents, a few miles away from Montgomery, where my parents live. I'm just doing odd jobs here and there until I ship out in exactly six weeks from today, and I have vigorously avoided any arguments with any of my family; I hate arguing. Every time I sit still and think about whether this issue with my family will ever die down, I always come to the conclusion that it will and soon. But I also concluded years ago that my family wouldn't react the way the have, so I am not making any predictions when it comes to illogical stuff like that.

Also, my family now hates Ayn Rand, as I'm sure many do. They have cursed her many, many times for "converting" me over to atheism and remind me time and time again that she is burning in Hell, which can apparently serve as both a scare tactic and an irrefutable argument. They overlook the fact that just because I knew who she was when they found out about my atheism doesn't mean that I knew her when I "converted".

Lastly, they do not know how lucky they are, and I, to a certain extent, that they only found out about me recently. But before I say anything please know that I am NOT speaking for all atheists here. One of my biggest problems as a child was my irrational, negative feelings toward Christianity. I am very proud of myself for getting over being overly angry at someone simply because they are a Christian. I used to think that if an adult reached a certain age of intellectual maturity, than there was absolutely no excuse for still following the Christian faith. (As a side note, I would like to mention that all of my arguments for atheism and against religion are in the field of morality, as I could care less about the origin of the universe and of man.) It has taken me time to realize that just because the Christian tenets are evil (again, NOT speaking for any other atheists out there), does not mean that all Christians are necessarily evil. I do admit to the fact that there may be, and probably are, benevolent AND religious people out there, even though I have yet to meet them. Today I still try to hold on to this thought when confronted with my family, and can only hope that the people here in Alabama will eventually grow a little more lax.

I don't believe in God.

2008-11-04T14:16:00.000-08:00

(Via Doug Matthews)

I don't believe in God.

Not only am I an atheist; I'm also a free thinker, an independent, a philosopher, a truth seeker, and a pragmatic constituent of veracity. I don't need a magical space wizard to tell me how to conduct my life. I don't need the stress and worry of making sure that my every word, thought, or action is going to be added to an already huge list of moral discrepancies. I'm not referring to social discrepancies; I'm talking about the inconsistencies with my life and the life I would be following as a Christian in accordance to the all-powerful, ill-conceived, contradictory laws of the Bible.

For 22 years, I lived in fear. I was raised in a Christian home. My father was a pastor, his father was a pastor, his father was a pastor, and so on. I had big dreams to get into the “church business” and make a name for myself. Throughout my teen years, a lot of my freedom was stripped through religion and the forcefulness of my parents. I don't blame them; they were raised the same way I was. I do, however, wish that they had the same free thought and will power that I had and could see through the mud like I did. Sometimes I was in church as much as three times per week serving for the Lord; sealing my guarantee that I would enter an eternal paradise upon my uneventful death. I sponsored youth events, converted several people from atheism and agnosticism to Christianity, I prayed several times per day, I made sure that I erased any sin as soon as I committed it. I was living the true Christian life and subconsciously hated it.

I always had doubt though. I can still remember telling myself in my younger years that there was no God, and this was prior to all the knowledge I have now. It always felt more natural to me, more in my comfort zone than believing in the Christian non-sense. Sure, I can claim several times in my Christian walk where I thought God touched my life. I can cite supposed miracles, unexplainable things and feelings. However, I can also cite and convey a lot of negative, and unanswered prayers, more bad than good. Looking back, I now know that those “miracles” were simply general statistical phenomenon or coincidences, if you will. To be even more concise, I can probably explain all the ways that God touched my life using simple science and pure common sense.

Why won't God heal amputees? Why does God allow innocent children to be raped and murdered? Why doesn't God just abolish Satan now? Why won't God show his face or prove to mankind that he is real? Why are we supposed to live in harmony with ancient manuscripts, written by men who were obviously just trying to explain and justify their environment? Why don't modern day Christians stone homosexuals as they are told to do in Leviticus 20:13? I could go on…

As millions of other legitimate Christians all over the world deal with their subconscious tendencies to negate the Christian dogma, I am proud to say that I've faced my fear and stepped outside of the box. I'm an American Atheist, one of forty-eight million.

My transition

2008-10-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

(Via Danelle Pack)

My transformation into the Atheist I am today happened in stages.

It started four years ago. I was raised as a Christian, and even called myself born-again. I married a non-believer. He would never have called himself an atheist to my face, but I knew he had doubts. He liked to paint me a picture of believing in a “higher power”. As a “born-again” Christian I felt this was acceptable. I would show him the “true” path. A year into my marriage I started to notice the gap that my faith caused in our relationship. Moved by what I thought was the Holy Spirit, I decided to educate myself on the arguments. I wanted to witness to him. I gathered many Christian apologetic materials and consumed them.

While I was in this fervor, a close and respected friend said to me “Why have you chosen this God, and rejected the others?”. This question stumped me. I had no response. How could I have chosen this God? I hadn’t “chosen” him at all. He was the only one I knew. I scrambled to solidify my knowledge about my own beliefs. I started to read the bible, cover to cover, for the first time.

I was appalled, even disgusted, by what I read. This was not the God I learned about in Sunday school. He was mean, vindictive and sadistic. And this flood, how could there have been a worldwide flood without leaving some kind of scientific evidence? My eyes and mind were opening, slowly. At first I thought I had just “chosen” the wrong God. I even bought "World Religions for Dummies" to research different beliefs.

The turning point was the May 2007 GOP Presidential Debate. The candidates were asked if they believed in evolution. Three raised their hands. For most people it seems it was a shocker that three presidential candidates didn’t believe in evolution. For me it was this reaction that was the shocker. I had no idea evolution was so widely scientifically accepted. I hadn’t realized that this theory had been around for 150 years and was still growing and solidifying. My mind began to expand exponentially and I started to educate myself, not just on evolution, but on physics, astronomy and critical thinking. I realized that this life, this universe, is plausible without a creator. The word “Atheist” still scared me. I started to devour Dawkins, Hitchens, Harris, Dennett, any and every author on the subject and I became a very proud Atheist.

Three months ago I came out to my mother and father. My mother stated she would have rather heard I was dying of cancer than that I was an Atheist. I realize the pain I have caused her, and it still weighs heavily on my heart, but I am now able to have a more open and honest relationship with her. On the flipside, I learned that my father is a closet agnostic and our relationship is closer than ever.

As an Atheist, I have never felt more alive and more grateful for this life.

My Story

2008-10-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

(Via Pockets)

I grew up in a loving Christian house; my father went to parochial school until he was in high school. My mom has always been active in church for longer than I can remember.

I started going to the local Catholic Church from the time I was baptized (infant) till I was probably about 4. The rotating priest (our town was too small to have a full timer) was pretty anti-kids so my mom decided that she had had enough and we started church shopping. For a few years we (my mother, younger sister and I, my dad said he did his time in grade and middle school and was out on good behavior). We ended up at the Episcopal Church down the road. It was full (relative term) of really good small town people. (see Eddie Izzard’s portrayal of the Anglican church for a really good representation) As I grew up I became more and more disenfranchised with organized religion. God was never in church, the only awe inspiring moments was walking around in the woods behind my house and coming into a clearing overlooking some valley.

By the time I got to college I had a pretty cynical view on religion. My favorite phrase was a bastardization of Nietzsche “God is dead, and the church killed him”. I got into the business department, while most of my friends that I have made got into science (CS, Chem, Biology). After I graduated I met my wife. She is a twice a year type catholic, not very religious but has a strongly ingrained belief in god. After moving over to the “big city” we moved in and prepared our full mass wedding. At this point I still had a fairly deist view on religion. There was probably some kind of higher power that created us but had lost interest a long time ago.

Ironically my rocket ship to atheism started at Christmas last year, I got an ipod by my in-laws. I started getting into podcasts, particularly science based podcasts. I started off with TEDtalks then moved into the skeptical arena. I started off with Skeptoid hosted by Brian Dunning. This consisted of short (5-15 min) blurbs about various science, pseudoscience and paranormal phenomenon. This took me to Skepticality hosted by Derek and Swoopy. Their podcast is about an hour and is filled with everything skeptical. I think the highlight of the podcasts are the interviews, with everyone from Niel DeGrass Tyson to James Randi to Michael Shermer to atheist rapper Graydon Square.

Through the journey I was exposed to many views and people that I had not heard about, Michael Shermer, James Randi, Phil Plait, The Skepchicks, Scott Sigler, and many more. I learned about and purchased Julia Sweeney's "Letting Go of God".

Lately I have gotten into a routine of keeping up to date with the podcasts I enjoy as well as reading science based nonfiction. I am currently reading "The Science of Good and Evil" by Michael Shermer. It takes a look at individual and group morality from an evolution standpoint, including the origin of religion and the role it played to our ancestors.I have also read "God Delusion" and "God Is Not Great" and have a laundry list of books to acquire.

I have told most of my friends from college that I am an atheist, and more recently I told my wife in definitive terms what I do (not) believe in. She was shocked at first, but we have talked and everything is back to the way it was before, we both love and respect each other. Now we are looking to the future and deciding what is going to be best for our kids when they appear. I would consider myself half in the closet, my family and in-laws don’t know and some of my friends don’t know. But its more of a “you haven’t asked” position. I don’t think if asked I would lie, but I don’t think I am going to get a big A tattooed on my forehead either.

That’s my story; I want to thank this website for the catharsis that it creates for people like me who were “deconverted”. I have to say that I have been moved by quite a few of the previous posts, and am grateful that I came to my conclusion in such a gently way.

How I Did It

2008-09-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

(Via Jerry Brown)

From my earliest years I was indoctrinated with what I call the Pascal/Graham Syndrome: Believe a cruel, inhumane story or be punished in hell eternally for doubting it. And, since I couldn't prove the story to be false, I had better believe it, because "eternity is a long time.) The problem was, I couldn't.

Fear, even if irrational, is hard to dispel, especially if pounded into one's mind at an early age. But about 1990 I decided that I had to try. In a public library I found a magazine called American Atheist. I read the works of Robert Ingersoll. I read cosmology, physics and biology, including the evolution of life forms.

The more I read, the more absurd theism looked. I found out that religion is just what I'd long suspected but didn't have the courage to admit - superstition. Further research told me why it originated and why it persists in spite of hundreds of years of contrary evidence.

I subsequently severed all ties to paranormal belief, and became a full-fledged, unabashed atheist. I call it my great enlightenment; it has been the most intellectually rewarding experience of my life.

Atheist Me

2008-09-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

(Via James)

From the time I was born until I was about ten or so, my family was devoutly christian. I recall going to church and enjoying it, I would even sing at my grandparents church (my grandfather was a pastor). I was never particularly devout though, far to young to fathom such concepts as the Universe and God, as I believe most children are.

It wasn't until later in life, after we had moved from the city to the country, and stopped attending church, that I started wondering about faith. I recall in the fifth and sixth grade still wondering about god, I still tried to be as good a christian as I could, although I didn't fully know what it meant to be one.

Around the end of sixth grade my mother started becoming an alcoholic and with it came the fights. Her and my Dad would argue and argue. She would leave for the bar and sometimes not come back for days. Sometimes my dad would bring her home and beat her. Her behavior grew worse and worse over the years from sixth grade onwards.

Surprisingly this somehow made me more devout. I would try to read the bible. I would try to understand why god would make my world like this. Just a test? I recall theorizing that god did this as a test, everything was a test to see if you were worthy of heaven. I remember becoming so faithful that I could shrug off fear, knowing that my life was in gods hands and if it was my time it was my time.

I recall the night I stopped believing very clearly. I was lying in bed crying because of a terrible fight my parents were in. They were hitting each other, throwing things, screaming at one another. I knew all of my younger siblings were being tortured by this just as much as me. I was only 13 or 14 at the time. Being the oldest I wanted to do something but I couldn't. I was too small, too weak.

So I started praying. I recall clasping my hands together so tightly they hurt, as if squeezing them tighter would help send my message. I asked god to please please stop my parent's fighting, not for me but for my two little sisters and little brother. I begged and begged and begged.

After a while of this I finally realized that God was going to do nothing. If he was there, he did not care for my families plights. I was heartbroken, how could such a loving caring being as the christian God forsake me? How could he forsake my completely innocent siblings?

After that night I began wondering more and more why there was so much suffering on the planet if God "cared and loved so much". I became a horrible pessimist in my godless world. Gone were my blissful feelings of fearlessness and faith. I felt hate and anger.

That has healed over the years and I am now a peaceful atheist, but vehemently anti-religious. I think religion is a horrible delusion that is abused by the powerful to control, inflicted upon unwitting children, and maintained, fueled, and strengthened by ignorance.

Fair warning to "unequally yoked"

2008-09-01T15:05:00.000-07:00

( Via Inversionmaster)

My story is probably not that interesting (until the more recent stuff) since I was never a believer. I vaguely recall kindergarten Sunday school and having doubts about the creation story. My family attended church off and on, due to my mother's prodding. Mom might be considered Christian-lite and my dad is probably a weak agnostic. As a boy, I recall going to weekend cub scout event but if you didn't attend the really wishy-washy church service you had to help in the kitchen (it was more fun anyway!). I left out "under god" during the Pledge in school (nobody noticed). A few years later, my mom made me attend confirmation classes but I thought it was a bunch of nonsense. Shortly after that we switched to a more modern Episcopal church where the minister would occasional swear and I even joined the choir (good snacks!). Too busy or not interested in church during high school. As a college student I never attended church but had a couple of strange experiences with the "faithful". There was the student down the hall who sent 10% of his financial aid to the church and I remember thinking that was just wrong. There was a fundie classmate who was into the whole young earth creationist thing. This kind of blew me away since we were both in the cell and molecular biology program at a large research university. He refused to answer questions dealing with evolution and even showed me his exams with the zeros. I respected his determination but not the arguments. Up until this point I would probably consider myself a weak agnostic, other than a few run-ins with these characters, religion just had little impact on my life.

In graduate school I met a woman who was catholic. She was not that hard-core, though there were a couple of things she was strict about like not missing church and Lent. I cheerfully followed along, perhaps feeling like I did something "good" by attending church. After a couple of years dating, we married and had two beautiful, intelligent kids. Slowly the Catholicism was replaced by fundamentalist protestant Christianity. It started with a Bible study class which lead to Sunday *night* services and sometimes Wednesday prayer meetings, AWANA, Vacation Bible Study and other stuff. Our library is filled with books by CS Lewis, James Dobson, Lee Strobel, Josh McDowell and related ilk. I attend Sunday morning service but have made it clear that it is only to "keep the peace". All of our friends are church members, so it is hard to develop more than superficial friendships. I can only protest in silly little ways; by *not* singing at church, *not* bowing my head during prayer in church, small contributions to the collection plate (to pay for the air) despite several pleas that god will bless us if we cough up 10%. I've told my wife she is free to get a job to pay her 10% but she is so tied up with bible studies that won't happen. In an odd way this has made me much more liberal on many issues. We don't attend any charismatic churches and I have told her that there will be serious problems if she moves in that direction.

So we have this impasse. I don't know if religion has helped my wife become a fantastic mother but on other hand I know it has mediocre wife. To be fair, she probably feels the same way about me. We both know that if things were done all over again under the current conditions we never would have had a second date, so yeah, valentine's and anniversaries are a bit awkward.

As my children are approaching the end of their high school years they will be under less influence from their mother. There are several looming issues pertaining to college. Their mother has really played up very conservative colleges. I fear attending one of these schools will lock them into a network of like-minded peers, alienating me even further. At this point, the kids have what they think of as a strong faith, is it my job to tear that down? This is a very difficult position, whether a secular or christian university, one parent is going to be disappointed. So in some ways I hope my story is a bit of warning to those consider being "unequally yoked". From what I've observed, people tend to get more conservative in their religious views as time goes on, especially when children are involved.

Free to Think and Question

2008-08-26T13:08:00.000-07:00

(Via Peter White)

I was raised a good Christian in a place where religion was a way of life. I lived in the province of Quebec which, at the time, was almost a theocracy. The laws of the province prevented the dissemination of birth control information and divorce was not possible. As a result Quebec had the highest birth rate in Canada. I was a member of a small minority of people who spoke English and were Protestant. I never understood why French speaking Catholics hated us as a group and I had to defend myself from attacks both physical and verbal.

I was as fervent a believer in God and Christianity as anyone. I loved the idea that there was a being who loved me and protected me from harm. I felt safe as long as I knew God was on my side and I tried hard to behave in a proper Christian manner.

Around the age of 9 I started to notice things that didn't make sense to me. The people who were teaching me to be a good Christian didn't seem to follow their own rules. I was not treated especially well by any of them. I thought they must be either very stupid or insane. How could anyone risk an eternity in Hell by not following the rules that God made? Since I was much younger and probably not as smart as any of the ministers or Sunday school teachers I reasoned that something else must be happening.

After a year or so of trying to figure out why the people in my church didn't practice what they preached, the reason struck me one day. They didn't want me to treat them the way they treated me. Then it started to make some sense. The threats of eternal damnation were their protection from evil.

Over the next 5 years or so I noticed more and more things in all religions that made no sense. I had the privilege of attending school with children from many countries who belonged to many different religions. That gave me a perfect opportunity to make comparisons. I had a few friends who were very interested in religion and we spent a lot of time reading the Bible. We stumbled on many passages that nobody in church ever mentioned. That made me even more suspicious of religious teachings.

By the time I was 15 I had become absolutely convinced that no religion had any basis for its beliefs. I rejected any supernatural explanations for what we see in the universe.

During my last year of high school I went to live with my older sister and her family. My sister's family were Jehovah's Witnesses and tried hard to convert me. We had regular debates on many subjects and I had to do a lot of research to defend my beliefs. As a result my atheist position became increasingly solid as one religious argument after another was shown to be false. I have continued looking into religions and to this day I have not found a good reason to believe the teachings of any one of them.

The Road to My Deconversion

2008-08-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

(Via Derone T. Pugh)

The origin of my Atheism or deconversion, as I like to refer it, was a long and rocky road. I was baptized at the tender age of six. This marked my indoctrination and allegiance to an organization and doctrine, that at the age of six I had neither the knowledge nor maturity to understand and decide if I wanted to be part of. However, I did not begin to see the light until a couple of years later. I began my journey on the road of Atheism at about the age of nine in a church in which my grandfather was the Pastor. I can remember walking into the church and looking up and seeing a painting of what was suppose to be Jesus, which depicted a Caucasian male with long dirty blonde hair and blue eyes and a radiant glow around his head. I asked my self, how would we know how he looked? The church in which this painting was housed was home to an African-American congregation, which in large part, was comprised of the poor and down-trodden of a Southern California African-American community. These congregants prayed fervently to their Jesus, danced and gyrated around the church, sweating and moaning with the occasional outburst of an “yes lord” “Amen” and “thank you Jesus” while my grandmother banged away on an old slightly out of tune piano, my grandfather stood in the pulpit intensely beating and rattling a tambourine and I rocked out on the drums. All of this occurred during what is called the devotional portion of the church service and it went on until it reached a climax or fever pitch. Now as I reflect on the emotional intensity of the congregants during the devotion, I realize that the devotion possessed what I think is the emotion that one would have for a lover. That is, the outpouring of emotion had, what I realized after my first sexual encounter, produced the type of loyalty and attachment that one would have for a lover. Please understand, I am not doubting the sincerity of the congregants or my grandfather, they all were certain that they were doing the work of the “Lord.”

After the devotion period, began the fleecing of the congregants, that is, the tithes and offering were taken up. My grandfather would open by saying something to the effect, “the Lord is good and has been good to us. It’s time now that we show our appreciation to the Lord by doing what he commands us to do, ten percent of our income is to go to the Lord.” I began to ponder, if God created the earth and the entire universe, what would such a powerful being need with some measly pieces of paper with pictures of dead presidents printed on them? It was always during the fleecing of the congregants that I began to wonder and doubt. For why would an omniscient, omnipotent, and loving being want to obtain the money that his poor and down trodden children so desperately needed to acquire the bare necessities to survive on this earth?

Another point of contention I had with the Christian doctrine at the age of six was the idea of the Trinity. I could not wrap my brain around the idea of there being three persons, beings, or “spirits” in one. I can remember sitting in the church pew during a sermon in which the preacher explain the concept of the Trinity. To say the least, his elucidation of the concept was inadequate. I attempted to mentally visualize the concept but could not. I left that sermon being more confused than I was before I heard it. My reading and attempting to understand the Bible led to even more doubts and confusion. I asked myself many times during my childhood, why is god so confusing and mysterious? Why does not he reveal himself to the faithful? Why is Revelations the most gloomy and depressing portion of the Bible? I never took any consolation in the Book of Revelations. In fact, I take even less consolation from the Bible as a whole being an African-American and reading that god supposedly cursed the darker nations of the world through the curse of Ham (son of Noah). This god is not as just as his worshipers boast. What is even more absurd is the reason why this god cursed Ham, for seeing his father (Noah) naked. Naked!!! Even at nine years old, I found the propositions in the Bible absurd and the people around me in church credulous. Nonetheless, I feigned belief through cognitive dissonance and for fear that I would be shunned by society and my family.

However, around age 15 I began rebelling and told my father that I did not want to go to church anymore which resulted in my being kicked out of my father’s house. And no, I was not the prodigal’s son; I did not return to my father’s house, I went to live with my mother. At that point, I rarely if ever attended church again.

At the age 18 I entered the Marine Corps and found many people which held faith important part of their lives. However, of all the people in the world, I think it is the combat soldier that needs something to hold on to during perilous times. In any event, it was during my enlistment in the Marines that I began to seriously call into question the existence of a god. In August of 1990, my unit received orders to deploy to Monrovia, Liberia and do a partial evacuation of the United States Embassy and evacuate some American citizens and augment the security of the embassy. Liberia was in the midst of a civil war and to borrow a phrase from the great 17th century philosopher Thomas Hobbes, the people of Liberia were reduced to a “state of nature” in which every man was for himself. During that operation I witnessed some of the immoral expressions of the human psyche come to fruition; and I wondered, if a god who is omnipotent, loving, and just exist, how could he allow people to perpetuate and live in such horrific conditions? I witnessed children starving, heard people being tortured and executed and many other immoral acts being committed all in a quest for power. This experience shook me to such a degree that I left Africa with a very small measure of belief that a god exists than when I had arrived and even less confidence in humanity.

What solidified my deconversion or atheism was my study of Philosophy and Political Science at the University of Southern California and meeting an unrepentant Atheist who I will refer to as JH. JH was a graduate student and was one of the nicest, most intelligent, and most well read people that I have ever met in my life. Through JH I met other Atheist who shared the same characteristics. One common thread that ran through all of them is that they did not have to believe in a god to be moral people. They cared about their fellow students, the environment and the poor. I enjoyed very much having my beliefs challenged and engaging in intellectual discussions. To say the least, the university environment was refreshing. It was after reading Hobbes, Hume, Socrates, Machiavelli and many other great philosophers that I realized that the internal struggle that I have had since childhood had been pondered over many times before by people who had the intestinal fortitude to challenge the common assumptions and authority of their day. Shortly thereafter, I read Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion. Suddenly, a new world was open to me. I became aware that it is okay not to believe and have doubts about things which there are no evidence for. That is, those things which people hold sacred became perfectly fine for me to question, doubt and disbelieve. After reading more philosophy and the works of Dennett, Hitchens, and Harris and learning how to think critically, I realized I had been finally set free from the debilitating, controlling and irrational belief in a god.

One thing that I have become conscious of is the day that I admitted quietly in my mind that it is plausible that there is no omnipotent being who intervenes in human affairs, which was around December 2002, is the day I began to take charge of my own life and take responsibilities for my own actions. It is this realization that led me to go back to college which ultimately resulted in my attending the University of Southern California. I am the first person in my family to graduate from college. Presently, I am working, my wife and I are raising five children as freethinkers, and I am applying to law schools. Thanks for reading.

An Atheist Blossoms

2008-08-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

(Via Andrew)

In the beginning there was the Book, and the Book was by God, and the Book was about God. In the end, it would be the Book that would lead me from God, and then from any god. But lets not get ahead of ourselves…

I had the boring stereotypical white-bread, middle-class upbringing, complete with church and/or Sunday school most weeks (and let’s not forget Christmas Eve). This included being only one of two kids in my fifth-grade class to memorize each of the monthly bits of indoctrination (all the books of the Old Testament in order, anyone?), but hey, there were prizes on the line! I was even an acolyte for several years, lighting candles and carrying the cross ahead of the choir as they entered and exited the worship area.

It was never really an act of faith, though. I made the motions; I sang the songs; I spoke the words; hell, given a minute to think back, I could probably still spit out most of the Lutheran liturgy that I had memorized by repetition. But I never really had any sense that it was at all meaningful. That’s not to say I doubted the existence of God, though, because, like a good little Christian, I never questioned it…or anything.

This continued through the start of my high school years, when my mother decided to go back to school – in her case, a seminary. Like any good kid, I did my duty in this situation and began to look up Bible passages that might cast doubt on her decision to become a minister. (“Look mom, it says right here that women shouldn’t speak in church!”) It was here, seeing the utter stupidity of so much that was ensconced in that book, that the seeds of doubt were planted.

Those seeds, however, wouldn’t begin to sprout until several years later. I was working in an internship in Iowa one summer, and bored as someone could be. Thinking about the doubts that had started to grow some years earlier, I decided to do the unthinkable – I bought a Bible and began to read. And I read…and read…and read. And the only conclusion that I could come up with was that there was no way that what was in the book could be true at the same time that mainstream Christianity was; the two were just too far contradictory.

Now that the doubts had sprouted, it would only take the triple threat combination of water, fertilizer, and time for it to bloom. In this case, the water came in the form of a battery of European, Western, and World History classes and the fertilizer in the form of Comparative Religions classes. The history classes, in showing the rise, spread, and abuse of Christianity throughout Europe and the West, opened my eyes fully to the farce that it is. Nietzsche was right, it is the religion of the slave, and the masters of Europe used it to strengthen their hold over their chattel. The comparative religions classes cemented my feelings that all other faiths were equally absurd.

So, that’s how it came to pass. No sudden break, no big moment, just the ordered progression from doubt, to dissatisfaction with organized religion, to rejection of the faith of my parents and my society, and finally to a rejection of faith in its entirety. Just, that is, the ordered, logical progression of one who thinks and reasons – and, after all, that is the domain of the atheist, is it not?

The Story of My Disbelief

2008-08-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

(Via Jaakko Wallenius)

I have in this blog repeatedly pointed out the importance of the indoctrination that is done in the early childhood in transferring the religious beliefs. This is in a pivotal point in Richard Dawkins work.

My lifetime of atheism is certainly in some part based on the fact that I have not been subjected to any religious indoctrination in my early childhood.

I grew up in a family where the relationship with religion or church was quite indifferent. In both my parents families there was a strong tradition of activism in the Social Democratic movement which can in part explain this neutral attitude towards religion, even though both my grandmother’s were devout Christians.

I did not however receive any atheistic teaching or even had any knowledge of its existence in my childhood. My parents had very typical Finnish relationship with the religion. They followed the traditions, but they held a definite aversion towards any preaching or even religious way of thinking.

I doubt that a crucial thing in my own development was the thing that I never received teaching in religious matters before reaching the regular school-age, which is six or seven years in Finland. My mother was a housewife and so I never did go to kindergartens that are giving religious teaching in Finland, nor did I attend any Sunday school.

I suppose that the religious teachings received later in the school had much less impact, when there was a definite lack of the religious teaching most people receive at an age when they are not able to think for themselves at all.

Our family was on the other hand not against religion in any particular way and so I attended the regular religious teaching given to almost all children in the Finnish schools.

Even so, I remember thinking that the stories in the Bible were just another collection of bedtime stories, and I remember slightly wondering why this kind of series of clearly made up stories is taught in the school.

This early wonderment changed however to active resistance in the early teen-age. I can’t really say what caused this change. I only soon found out that I did spend the hours reserved for religious teaching thinking about arguments against these patently false and unhistorical assertions that were given as facts in this class.

The history part may have been crucial in my development, as I did nurture an everlasting love for history from the tender age of nine or ten, when I did first read the 600 pages of Pocket World History, admittedly skipping the dull parts dealing with culture. After that I read practically everything in our local library that had anything at all to do with history.

I did not receive any direct atheistic influences in the real life, but the clear antireligious tendencies in the modern world literature must have made on impact also on me. Besides history I spend my spare time mostly by reading contemporary American and Latin American literature. From the older literature especially George Orwell’s earlier works had a great impact on me.

I remember clearly that my first antireligious thoughts were formed when I realized that Christianity condemns to oblivion also those who have not had a physical opportunity of even hearing about its teaching.

I must admit that in high school I was the favorite pupil of our teacher of religion. He represented a very modern view of Christianity and she had great appreciation for the fact I had even thought about this kind of things in any way. My classmates were clearly only extremely bored by the whole thing with religion.

My views were maturing during these formative years and in my 18: t birthday I severed my formal links with church for good. In Finland a child is not allowed to resign from the membership of the state church without his or her parents’ permission before the age of 18, but I did at very moment it was possible.

After high school the matters of faith did disappear from my life quite totally for a very long time. Quite simply there were no more situations like the religious teaching at the school where you had to take any stand in these matters.

My atheistic views very not in any way changed in the years spend in studying political history, sociology and political science in the university. On the contrary things learned in these fields gave a new understanding the underlying causes for religions and new information of their negative impact in the humanity.

During my years in university I did not once meet a fellow student who would have been interested in religious things in any way or who would have professed open religious beliefs of any kind.

I do not even remember of ever conversing about religious or atheistic matters with anybody during these years, but my memory may be failing me, as alcohol may have been involved in these extended conversations.

Not even on a single occasion I did I have any need to openly defend my atheistic views as these matters simply were not important in this group of fun loving young people in the Finland of late 1970:s. In the same vein I did not feel any need to present my own views to anybody.

I have never based any of my views of the world on how popular they would have been in the time. Therefore I did not have any need to convert anybody to my own views.
By this time I had a brief but very tempestuous political career in the Social Democratic student movement. Politics was soon so much more fun than studying and the studies were soon left to a zombie status.

After the rollercoaster ride of this rather short-lived political career was over, I had to find a new livelihood, as starting over of with my ailing studies did not seem a locking prospect anymore.

I turned to journalism, as I had liked writing all my life and my background did give me qualifications for just that profession.

My first steady job as a journalist was in a quite large newspaper in the western coast of Finland and there I met for the first time a person with real and open religious beliefs for the first time since listening to my teacher of religion in the high school many years earlier.

I remember seeing her as a person with a severe disability. The fact is that you are constantly checking your way of speech and things you are saying when in presence of a person with a major impediment, even as this is not a thing you should do… In the same vein I remember carefully watching my language in a strange way when this person was present.

The person in question was quite nice and charming young lady, but very soon I did find our seeking other company. The human being is just built so that a person prefers a company where you can be the person you really are and you don’t have the think about hurting the particular beliefs of any person.

It gives a good picture of the status of religious life in Finland, if a person can live to be nearly 30 years of age before meeting a person with strong religious beliefs. To come to think of I have not met many such ardent believers in the newspapers I have worked even after that.

A little later I moved for a spell to my original little hometown deep in the inland to work in the local newspaper there. There for the first time in my life I met a genuine young person under my own age, who would profess a religious belief. I had by then already come to believe that the young people would not fall for this bag of old tricks anymore.

This person was however an exception as religion played no part in the life of the people in my age group even in this a little already shrinking old industrial city with paper mills and one big company.

Al these years I did from time to time think about the origins of religious thought and reasons for their continued existence in a world where the made up explanations of the world are no more needed, when we have the science to give us all the explanations we need.

In the autumn of 2006 I listened to a collection of lectures in IT Conversations –Podcast series. By chance one of the lectures was Sam Harris and after listening to that lecture I suddenly realized that I was not alone in the world with my line of thinking, but there are others who had been thinking just the same things as I had.After Sam Harris I found rapidly also Richard Dawkins and his work.

The next big thing for me was the ‘06 version of Beyond Belief –conference. I did watch the those whole 15 hours of wonderful lectures and debate with growing enthusiasm.

By then I had already ordered the books by Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins and the Beyond Belief –videos were soon accompanied by a tough selection of atheistic writing.

After that I have read the works of Christopher Hitchens, Daniel Dennett, Michel Onfray, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Pascal Boyer, Nicholas Humhprey, Scott Atran, Victor J. Stenger among others. I am step by step getting a clearer picture where atheistic thought is today and what are the challenges ahead.

How Love Trumped God

2008-08-18T11:27:00.000-07:00

(Via Erica)

Aside from sporadic Sunday church attendance in childhood, I was pretty much apathetic to religion or atheism until the age of 14. When I started high school, one of our marching band’s part-time assistants was a youth pastor at the church of Christ across the street from our practice field. He invited everyone in the band to football game “after-parties” at the church, complete with free pizza and a dunk tank inhabited by our associate principal, so I started going and got to know (let’s call him “Brandon”) pretty well. In the course of chatting, I mentioned some issues with my boyfriend at the time, and Brandon suggested I stop by his office after school some day to talk. This was the beginning of weekly chats that lasted the entire school year and a few weeks into my sophomore year.

We’d always start out talking just about life in general – my boyfriend and what sexual things we did or didn’t do (and Brandon would always point me to the most chastity-inspiring bible verses he could find), how school was going, whether or not I was contemplating suicide that week. He became a great source of strength for me in a REALLY rough time in my life. All of my best friends from junior high had turned on me and started harassing me that year for a meaningless incident that escalated due to pure peer pressure. Brandon even drove to my house in the middle of the night once when he thought I was seriously considering killing myself. I wasn’t, but I sure thought I was at the time. I had attended a few Sunday services and considered joining his church. I bought a study bible. I became close enough to his family to visit him and his wife in the hospital when their son was born on my 15th birthday. But the more Monday afternoons I spent in his office, the more our discussions turned to god, and the more our time was spent reading bible passages.

While these were comforting at first, I started to come to our meetings with lists of questions, and Brandon started pointing me to the bible’s answers. I had issues with a lot of these. Brandon would even joke that I was the exact opposite of most of his congregation – I could grasp the intellectual aspect of the religion, but had problems with the faith. Two points in particular caused cracks in my fledgling belief that would eventually lead to me rejecting religion entirely. First of all, Brandon’s church believed that women shouldn’t speak in church, and that they should submit fully to their husbands. Brandon pointed me to bible verses stating specifically that women are the “weaker vessel” in marriages. I may have been in a fragile emotional state and desperate to believe anything, but there was no way in hell I was going to swallow that load of shit. This answer, of course, led to the question, “what about gay couples? Who submits when there isn’t one man and one woman?” Brandon’s following statements about the sinfulness, vulgarity, and necessary christian intolerance of homosexual relationships are ultimately what led to my rift with religion. He understood right away that I had problems with this, and tried to remedy the situation by informing me that all major religions believed that homosexual relationships were wrong. This further weakened any hold I had to faith – because whatever I could suspend logic to believe in, I could never, NEVER believe in or have any respect for a god who would make any kind of mutual, non-harmful love a sin.

Pretty soon the school year ended, and I had the entire summer to research atheist as well as christian and all other sorts of religious websites. I had a few other trying personal and family issues that summer, all complicated by the fact that I was depressed, but I came out stronger in the end. I started 10th grade wiser (yes, you may laugh about the idea of a 10th grader being wise, but it’s a relative term in this case) and more skeptical. I still met a few Mondays with Brandon at the beginning of the year, but my schedule didn’t allow for our talks as easily. Over the next 2 years, my faith completely dissolved and led way to a zealous love affair with science and reason. As my depression was successfully treated, I came to realize how my state of mind had opened me up to ideas and beliefs that seemed utterly ridiculous to me when I was healthy. I learned how religion mirrors the cycle of addiction and codependency. I started talking very frankly with my parents, particularly my mom, about religion, and found out that they’d always been mostly agnostic too. They’d purposefully never shared their religious views with me or my brothers because they felt we should develop our own belief systems – a technique I will absolutely continue with my own children. Most of all I found it impressive that I’d independently reached a very similar position on religion to what my parents believed.

In college, my views were bolstered in the small, private liberal arts school environment, and probably also due to spats with my Catholic roommate. I joined the gay-straight alliance and became a very active straight ally, and fair legal treatment of lesbians and gays still tops my political priorities list. I’m a bit less irreverent now than I was in college, but my flippant preacher’s-son-turned-atheist boyfriend is doing his best to correct that. =)

Atheism is like a liferaft in an ocean of religious despair

2008-08-14T16:32:00.000-07:00

(Via BiMamaFeminAtheist)

This story was originally posted on ex-christian.net so references to fundie trolls are intended for that audience.

I was born at home in January of 1983. Six of my grandmothers eight grandchildren were born this way (the other two are adopted). My parents split up before I can remember, and my mother went back to school to get her degrees (ending up with a PhD). So my grandmother was my primary parent (although mom did live in the same home). My grandmother, who I have always known as Giggy, was both devout and insane. She made the rules and meted out the punishments. In the late 1970s she wrote a Xtian bestseller about the end times and promptly retired from nursing, a job she hated. After a few years of notoriety and fame in the Xtian fundy world (then known as charismatic) she became a "spiritual midwife", urging women to forgo traditional prenatal care and instead root out "defilements" in their lives that might cause a less-than-perfect birth experience. This is the world I grew up in: no Smurfs, Care Bears, or Fraggle Rock. No music outside of church and church choir. No movies till they'd been broadcast on basic TV and then recorded and edited by my grandmother (heavy on that fast-forward button through any bad language or dirtiness). No public school till 4th grade, when my mom graduated and we moved out of state to get away from Gig.

I was sheltered from typical childhood experiences like trick-or-treating (evil and pagan) and Santa (a threat to the "true" meaning of the laughably, equally pagan Christmas) but instead exposed to horrors like medically unassisted home births. I remember being maybe six years old, coloring in the dining room of a stranger's home for hours and hours and hours, when suddenly my grandmother pulled me into the bedroom where the birthing was taking place. There were complications, and my grandmother seemed to think God would be more amenable to the prayers of a child in this case, so I was brought in the room to lay hands on the laboring woman. Her baby was premature and so small. I don't know now how it turned out later in life. We were just there for the births, as far as I know. My grandmother wrote another book, this one non-fictional (supposedly) about her experiences in the "home birth ministry". This one has sold all over the world. My grandmother was invited to speaking engagements across the US and as far away as Perth, Australia to tell people how they weren't real Xtians if they didn't put ALL their faith in God. Did I mention we weren't allowed to lock our doors? Because that would mean putting our faith in things of this world, like man-made locks, instead of in our heavenly provider and protector.

We did not go to doctors. I got into the typical childhood scrapes, bruises and cuts. I also remember stepping on a rusty carpenter's nail in my cousin's back yard when I was about 5 and it going clean through my foot. No tetnus shot for me! Just prayer. It was the one-size-fits-all magic bullet. And it was all about manipulating God to do what He promised in that book of his. We had this huge wooden door hanging on the wall in our entry room, that my grandmother had painted blue, and had written the names of God from the OT in white paint (Jehovah Rapha, Nissi, Shalom, etc.) If you want a pop-cultural figure to relate her to, I offer Becky Fischer of "Jesus Camp" fame. Actually, watching that whole documentary was like some weird flashback, and what has triggered me writing this story.

So here was this incredibly "Godly' woman, well respected in the Xtian circles we saw (fundamentalist charismatic crazies), who would beat the shit out of us, supposedly because we were "in rebellion" and our "Adam nature" had gotten out of hand. Also that whole crap about "spare the rod, spoil the child". Gee, thanks Jesus, way to give child abuse some real religious authority! Fucker. But the weird thing was, for all the emotional, spiritual, mental and physical abuse, this was also the woman who would comfort me. When I had nightmares (which was frequently) she would rock me in her chair and sing Xtian hymns/lullabies about the peace of God to me, and hold me till I felt better, long after the age where I no longer comfortably fit in her ample lap.

My family was actually a bit open-minded in a close-minded way when it came to various denominations. We were non-denominational because NONE of them had enough "faith" as proscribed by Gig, but to get us out of her hair she'd happily send us to every single VBS (Vacation Bible School) in town: the Methodist one, the Mennonite one, etc. and we were involved in children's choir at the Baptist church.

In second grade I stopped being homeschooled and started attending a local private Christian school (I believe Church of God, but I'm not sure). This meant Bible class (easy for me, as it was all we GOT at home), typical school subjects, and of course Chapel on Wednesdays. I was friends with a girl who lived down the block my age, and I remember one Wednesday going to her house after school. Her dad said she wasn't home, but I could come in to wait and watch TV with him till she got there. He molested me. I will never forget that it happened on a Wednesday, because that's why I was wearing a dress that day. I'm older and now more about perverts and I'm pretty sure he would have tried at some point anyway, but as a kid, I associated it with being a girl and wearing a dress. That went on for over a year, till I finally broke through the "don't contradict your elders" teachings enough to tell my mom what was going on.

Being raised the way I was, I thought I was dirty, sinful, "impure" and above all, not a good woman. What man would want me? Also, I overheard the doctors (first I EVER saw was a freaking gynecologist doing a PAP smear on me at 8 to verify I had indeed been violated) telling my mother I would never bear children. This is all really painful to type, but I must get it out.

During this same time my older brother was getting into trouble with the law and at school. Mostly kid stuff, like shop lifting from the local 7-11, but also some kind of frightening things, like homemaking his own weapons. One day when I was in third grade a police officer came to my school to ask me questions about my family, because my brother had called child services to report we were being abused. I was so hurt that my willful, rebellious, sinful brother would dare make such accusations against our loving and godly grandmother! I still feel sick about not defending him. My family responded by shipping him across the country to go live with our stoner ex-Xtian dad.

Anyway, a few months after this my mom graduated with her doctorate and got a job very very out of state and we left. Now came public school, which I was totally unprepared for. Educationally I was actually ahead, but socially I was years behind. Imagine sending a five year old to fourth grade; essentially that's where I was socially/emotionally. I got picked on and bullied terribly. I remember the girl with leg braces picking on me, since it moved her a notch up the social ladder (she'd been at the bottom till I came). It didn't help that I had ingrained exceptionalism and elitism that belonging to a cult gives you, that totally out of proportion to reality arrogance and ignorance.

But I didn't think I'd been raised in a cult, just in church. We still attended church up north, though oddly enough my mom, sister and I each went to our own. I went to a local Community Church, my sister went to youth group at a Methodist, and I believe my mom attended Presbyterian singles group. I liked the pastor at my church because he was gentle and none of his sermons were about hell. During the three years we lived out of state, we still came to live with my grandmother over the summers, so we could spend time with our cousins, etc. She was no longer physically abusive and was a lot more relaxed about things like food (I remember eating nothing but Pillsbury Strudels for over a month one summer) but still crazy restrictive on others, like "secular" music.

One summer, she had a two-week long tour in Australia, and my aunt was left in charge of us. There was an incident where she got nutty and decided that either my sister or I had stolen some of her French chocolate liquors (ew). So she locked us in my grandmother's room with Bibles and assigned us to look up and write out passages about our sin. The truly hurtful, insane and FUCKED UP part was that she assigned us different sins - I was declared a "thief" and my sister a "glutton". Now, if it was the same crime we were both accused of, stealing and eating nasty boozy chocolates neither of us wanted (and to this day, in talks with each other, both deny having done it - I believe her) wouldn't we have gotten the same punishment? Just another example in a lifetime of screwy dogmatic child abuse.

A few years later we moved back to my home town for good. I started spending weekends at my grandmothers, and started working for her ministry. I would mail out her books and newsletters, type, file, etc. I also built the "ministry's" first website and blog. I actually got a lot of really good skills and training from that work, but in retrospect wish I had not done anything to help advance her unhealthy message. I was really starting to believe the things she said, right down to where doctors did more harm than good and people shouldn't expose their kids to those egotistical perverts. (She really hated being a nurse.)

Thank God for high school (ha!). I went to a school for the performing arts and was suddenly and joyously exposed to all those heathens I'd been warned about - people who openly practiced witchcraft, lesbians, actors, stoners, EVERYONE! It was glorious and wonderful. I had my first girlfriend, I found my first truly close friends. I had a little bit of breathing room, for a few hours a day, to be as weird as I wanted or needed to be. I think it's what saved me from being completely racist, sexist, and anti-gay. My grandmother certainly put forth a concerted effort to indoctrinate those principles into me.

After that I was never a "good Xtian" again. I still went to church, meant it when I sang and worshipped, etc, but I had sex when I wanted, experimented liberally with drugs and alcohol, and listened to rock and punk and rap and just everything that had been denied for so long. It was my own stumbling renaissance.

At 17 my mom kicked me out of the house for stupid shit, so I moved in with my dad (whose sole purpose is apparently to be there when my mom gets sick of us, but I'm grateful to him for that at least). I messed around with ecstasy (yuck) and was consequently hospitalized for suicide attempts twice. Then I got alcohol poisoning. My dad's girlfriend decided I was a liability who would have to go. In order to persuade my mom I was "worthy" of coming home, that I was truly "repentant" I had to go to a Christian cult detox FARM in Texas, where all the animals had biblical names (swear to mythological creature). It was insane. They were trying to cast demons out of me and after four days of this I finally just started faking convulsions to get them off my case. They also took my science fiction books from me, told me I was a whore because my belly button showed in some of my tops (it was AUGUST and where I'm from that means skimpy tops, sexuality aside), etc. But they did let me keep smoking cigarettes, oddly enough. Anyway, after a few weeks of that I got to move back in with my mother for a few months until I could afford my very own mobile home.

Flash forward a few years of this mildly uncomfortable double life (though really, only mildly) and you'll find me pregnant by my loser alcoholic boyfriend. What does the family say I should do? Marry the jerk, of course! So I waddled down the aisle at seven months pregnant and promised "till death do I part" in front of an Anglican priest. That same priest just a few months later had the decency and good counsel to tell me I should consider a divorce; he saw what my family wouldn't - he was a raging alcoholic and extremely emotionally abusive. So, less than three months into my marriage, with a broken ankle and a six-week old infant, I dipped.

I went back to my mom's house. She wouldn't help me pay for getting a cast, so I hobbled around without one, caring for my son as best I could. Only within the last few months have I seen how unloving that was - for her to watch me in deep physical pain every day, but do nothing. But then, she had experience with the matter. Between the ages of 14 and 18 I spent almost all my time with a dislocated hip. It could easily have been treated by a doctor, but instead I was forced to suffer godawful pain for a religious belief she no longer even really held. I think she had just decided i was "faking it" (like when I told her I was suicidal and she said I was being "dramatic" or when i told her I was bisexual and she told me it was a "phase"). I smoked a LOT of pot both as a teenager, and as a new mom, something I'm not very proud of, but the only way I knew of to deal with the physical and mental pain.

When my son turned two I went back to college. I fell in love with two subjects, American History and Middle East Studies. I was fascinated by the convoluted situation in Israel/Palestine and the role that religious extremism played in sustaining the conflict and hiccuping attempts at peace. During a class this Spring in American History from 1800-1850 we learned about America's two "Great Awakening" spiritual revival movements, and the genesis of a lot of our homegrown cults: Jehovah's Witness, Latter Day Saints/Mormons, and Seventh Day Adventists. We also read a fascinating book on the Oneida Utopia and it's narcissistic-personality-

disorder poster boy, John Humphrey Noyes. While all my classmates were saying "What a load of bull! Who would fall for this crap?" and "This is weird! This is bat shit!" I kept thinking "Why does this remind me of my childhood? Why does this all seem so familiar?"

So, one night a few months ago, I Googled my grandmother's name and the name of her ministry. Pages and pages of links came up, but the mostly fell into two categories: 1. Xtians and others refuting her teachings as dangerous and/or unbiblical, and 2. newspapers about cult deaths and medical negligence deaths, of people who had read my grandmother's books. One story, for anyone interested in Googling it themselves, was about the Attleboro Cult. After reading my grandmothers book on home birth, this small "home church" group went round the bend and turned into a full blown cult. One of the female members told another woman that she and her 4-year old son should stop eating and only drink almond milk. The little boy slowly starved to death in a house full of food. I still can't think about that kid without crying, and regretting all my complicity with the lies my grandmother spread so far and wide. (Though others with far more power are to blame also: she appeared on 700 Club and Pat Robinson, as well as Jim & Tammy Faye's PTL.)

Within a few hours of looking at link after horrifying link, I learned of people on four continents who had died following my grandmother's reckless "spiritual' advice, including an Australian woman who died in childbirth and an African couple who refused to get HIV/AIDS treatment because they believed if they just "prayed and had faith" God would heal them. (He didn't.)

That was by far the biggest blow to my spirituality I've ever faced. Coming to grips with the fact that I was raised in a cult, that my grandmother was a cult leader, that her wackiness didn't just hurt me, but killed innocent children halfway around the world. I'm not exactly over it yet. I think a lot of years of therapy are in my future. But the word "cult" was helpful, because it gave me a place to start. I researched cult characteristics, watched "Sorry I knocked" videos on YouTube, donated to SilentLambs.org (for sexual abuse victims of Jehovah's Witness' "pedophile's paradise"), and protested against Scientology. I started to look at all these religions I could clearly see were crazy. I knew the stories of Joseph Smith and Edward Miller and Brigham Young and John Humphrey Noyes and L. Ron Hubbard. They all had a lot in common with each other, and with my grandmother. Deep personal dissatisfaction and insanity. Untreated depression, and I'd wager a lot of serotonin imbalance all around.

This led to a greater questioning of my own dormant religious faith (I'd kept my son out of church semi-instinctively; like not trusting myself to find a non-abusive boyfriend, I don't trust myself to find a non-abusive church). Everyone on here has great sites they can link you to, but for my WhyWontGodHealAmputees.com did the trick. It confirmed what I was already beginning to believe (that God is imaginary) and gave me the push I needed to go ahead and let myself explore atheism further. I'm reading a wonderful book now "God is Not Good: How Religion Poisons Everything" and it's just incredible. I watched "Jesus Camp" and I swear I want to go kidnap every one of those kids and put them in "normal" homes where they won't be brainwashed into believing they are inherently sinful, evil, and wrong and that their natural desires prove they need a mythical hero to die and rise to save them from that same mythical God's curses.

Atheism is like a life raft in an ocean of religious despair for me. I look at my son everyday now and I am so thankful that he won't be subjected to the torturous childhood I had. I teach him to love himself, that his body is wonderful and his own, and that he should be proud of his accomplishments. I do not present fairy tales or mythology as truth to him and frankly, I'm not sure I'll tell him about Santa either. I don't know. My son is very bright but delayed in expressive and receptive language. In a lot of ways, I feel really blessed about this. He is catching up fine, but it gives me extra time to just *enjoy* him for who he is, and not for what he says or how he performs. We love each other so much. And I would never, ever, ever worship a God that would condemn him for hell for dying too young, for refusing to kneel before a tyrant, or for possibly being gay (who knows, he's 2). i don't yet get the great "Why?" questions or the screaming "No!" fights either; instead I see a child who does not question the nature of good and evil, of his own "immortal soul" or heaven and hell. He lives in the here and now, and that gives me great inspiration for how I can live my own life happier than it has been so far.

Thank you for this forum, and for letting me ramble on so long. Tears are streaming because I feel so glad to get this all out. Oddly enough, i do still love my grandmother. I'll never leave her alone with any child, but I forgive her for what she did to me. She is on antidepressants for the first time in her life, and has become a different person. I see now how much of her insanity was truly just that, chemical imbalance that is behind most insanity. What she did to me was awful and it will probably take me a long time to move completely beyond it, but I have the rest of my life to myself, with no God horning in on my happiness.

And to all the Xtian trolls - I *know* my Bible, so don't tell me to read it. I won a Bible Bowl trivia contest against kids twice my age when I was 7. It's not that I don't know it, it's that I don't believe it. I'll let other members explain to you why it is so improbable; this story was personal and not theological. Again, to the webmaster and other ex-xtian members, thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

It's my Life

2008-08-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

(Via Daphne)

I am 14 and I never knew what atheist meant. I thought it was something like communism and stuff like that =] I never really "believed in god" but my dear friend did and she took me to church on the rare occasions. I never liked it or understood the point. Mostly I went to the arts and crafts thing with the younger kids and made interesting things...

I remembered one time when I was around 7 or 8 I got worried for some reason (I don't remember if it was because I had done something wrong or if I was afraid I would be alone or something) and I asked my mom one night if bad people went to heaven and she said "everyone goes to heaven" I was intrigued by this idea and I kept asking things like what if they robbed a bank? What if they murdered someone? What if they murdered Everyone!? Same answer every time =]

My mom is an atheist and I like it that way. I like it at my house because I'm pretty sure if I wanted to go to church every Sunday my mom would have driven me there. If I wanted to be a Hindu she'd support me all the way. I think every parents should be like that. Let the kids decide when they're old enough if they want to go to church or not or if they want to be Muslim and pray everyday.

I am proud to have no religion. I'm gonna make up my own scientific one with the big bang theory and evolution... I guess that's just the same thing as science though... A couple of my friends are worried that I wont get to go to heaven with them and I tell them what my mom told me..."Everyone goes to Heaven" XD

Atheism not Porn

2008-08-04T09:30:00.000-07:00

(Via Susan)

I was an "active" member of our fading Southern Baptist Church back in the 1970's. It pleased my mom to no end that I attended Sunday service (twice) and Wednesday night service. As I said the church was fading, very few young people and about 200 old people (mostly women). I kept my nose clean, mumbled along with others, played piano for some of the Sunday school classes, and just tried to fit in (and stand out, as I am an outgoing person). I was interested in cults (still am)and never ever heard of someone not being a believer in God in some way or form.

As I got older I started to question why I did not seem to feel the same euphoria and blessings that others did. I prayed all the time asking Jesus to show me a sign that he was listening to me. I pretended to hear God talk to me, and even got Baptized (never had it done all these long years). I was SURE that after the Baptism I would "feel" something, but nothing ever happened. I had no thoughts of skepticism, or Atheism or actually anything but wanting to experience what everyone else was experiencing.

It came to a head when our pastor asked everyone to wear these little buttons that said, "I've Found It!" (I think they were green). I did not want to wear it because I had not "found it" I was still looking for it (check behind the couch I can hear you yelling). I found all kinds of excuses for not wearing it, my pastor kept asking me why I kept forgetting it or losing it, finally after he had given me several I just knew something was wrong with me. The program finally faded and they stopped wearing them, but it had already forced me to face the reality that I was having trouble believing.

I wish I could remember where I heard about Atheism, I must have been about 17, but it was profound. The idea that people did not believe! Wow! I could not discuss this with my mother (My dad was an nonpracticing Catholic, and we never talked about religion). We did not have that kind of relationship. I wish now I had gone to my Dad, he used to read the Bible and my mom told me much later that she feared he was a non-believer. One of my mom's greatest fears when my dad was alive was that he was going to hell, as a teenager I had serious problems with this, and did not like this option for my dad who seemed to be a "moral" person.

Anyway, somehow I got a hold of the word Atheist, I do remember looking it up in the Encyclopedia (we didn't have the Internet back then folks) I went to the library and found Madeline Murry's book "Why I am an Atheist". That was jaw-dropping in my world. I checked that book out several times (always sneaking it between other books I was checking out so the library staff didn't notice). Thankfully my sister had moved out by this time so I had a room to myself, imagine me sneaking this book into my room, hiding it in my closet. Then sneaking peeks at in while still in the closet, I was afraid my mom would find it if I left it in my bed. I have no doubt that it would have been horrible for me if found, I can't imagine my mom finding porn or having to chose between the two as the most horrible. I guess I could have said that the Atheist book was for a school project, but if she didn't believe me I would have been in big trouble (I don't even want to think about it).

Somehow I grew up and managed to get a hold of other writings, and selected the term "Agnostic" to reflect my beliefs. I didn't want to make waves, and this sounded so much better, also most people didn't know what it meant. I started trying out my new beliefs on select people, and did okay. Much later I came out as an Atheist. My mom found out somehow, I was a mother and living with my then husband at the time, independent of her. I talked to her about some of the problems with the Bible, and she got upset for attacking her and her religion (its never okay to do that, but always okay to attack Atheists in their mind). In fairness to her, she had never had her beliefs challenged (I suppose) everyone was always a Christian or a non-Christian never a non-believer.

As a new mom I toyed with the idea of making my kids more "moral" and sending them to Church. My non-religious husband who never took a stand on anything said that he had turned out okay, so why make our children attend church. Very good decision. My sons are now 20 and 17, very much atheists. I read whatever I want now, and my kids and I discuss all kinds of topics.

I became friends with my mom about 6 years ago, we spent quite a lot of time together, never best friends, just her closest friend. We never discuss religion, but avoid that topic. One year at a fair she went up to a booth for Women's Right to Choice and told them, "good job" and bought a button from them. I was so proud I had no idea how she felt about that issue.

The last 3 years my mom's health is fading, I moved her into my home, and took over her care. Her quality of life improved a lot (socially) and she was the queen of our household. Today, she is 85 and dying at a rest home. She had been in and out of the hospital and rest home, we always hoped she would come back to us, but the doctor said to prepare ourselves. Her body is just giving up, she was so active and alive. But I am not sad, I know I did the right thing in giving her these last few years.

My siblings may experience guilt after she dies (for not spending enough quality time with her) but I don't. I made YouTube videos of her, and put her in our family Christmas photos, we even had a neighborhood Christmas party at my home last year so she could socialize with everyone. If my kids do the same for me when the time comes I will be very happy. My best friend, (a Creationist Christian) has told me on two occasions that she thinks I'm one of the moralist people she knows. She even told all her church friends that she can't understand how I can be an Atheist. "Too bad", she says that "I'm still going to hell". Fine with me, at least I can hang out with my dad.

Now I find myself planning her religious funeral, am in the process of talking to Pastors, and writing her obit. Her church friends (probably don't know) that I'm a foaming at the mouth Atheist, I will not disrespect them and her by making my feelings known. But I bet I will get some interesting comments on my Christian attributes once they pay their respects in a few weeks.

I have not read any of the other "coming-out" stories yet. Wanted to get mine in before being influenced by other stories. Looking forward to reading them today

there and back again

2008-08-02T17:13:00.000-07:00

(Via George Evans)

I was raised in the middle part of the last century in a small town in remote rural Missouri. I wanted to be part of the community, so I joined the church when I was eight or nine. (We had attended services faithfully for my whole life). As I grew older, things didn't add up, though. How come there were all these different brands of faith, all claiming to be the one true faith? How come things were such a piece of shit at home? I grew outspokenly skeptical, and soon I was labeled as the village atheist; as a teenager squadrons of churchgoers would appear at my door to convert me whenever a roving evangelist hit town. It seemed funny at the time.

About the time I finished high school, though, my life went through a period of crisis. My girl dumped me, I was into a lot of sixties stuff, and the Jesus freaks were in town. The Jesus freaks included some people who I had thought of as cool, and joining them seemed like a way to shut down mentally and let someone else do my thinking for a while. So I did. Not wanting to do anything for halfhearted or insincere motives, I brought myself to be the most sincere, committed, heartfelt, Jesus freak that I could be. I moved into a commune, started prayer groups (that, sadly, continue to this day) and evangelized on the streets, converting many of my friends. Years went by, and my fervor (i.e., fanaticism) only increased. Then, my family physician persuaded me to go to medical school. He had known me as a bright young man, and he thought I would make a good physician.

At his suggestion, I went back to college to take an undergraduate degree, but soon I found things that were deeply disturbing to my faith. The first of these was when I took zoology, and we dissected the fetal pig. During the examination of the surface anatomy, I was stunned to see that our (female) fetal pig had a clitoris! I knew that the only function of the clitoris was to give sexual pleasure- but only humans needed a clitoris, since we were the only animals who had eaten of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, so only humans had free will. Animals had sex out of instinct, not by choice; yet the undeniable presence of the porcine clitoris suggested that animals acted from motives like our own.

As I continued my studies I encountered over and over evidence that challenged what I had been taught about my faith. In physical chemistry and cell physiology I learned that living things weren't anything but bags of chemicals that obeyed the same laws as non-living systems. Comparative anatomy showed how much more likely it was that widely different creatures had evolved from common creatures over time, since they were so similar (and would work so much better with a few design changes; e.g., the human sinus system). Studies of the laws of thermodynamics showed that it was inevitable that complex systems would arise from simple systems, just as eddies flow upstream in a river's overall downstream movement, entropy increasing in the total system. I don't remember any sudden moment when I realized that I had been transformed from a religious zealot into an atheist, but gradually my faith evaporated. What remained has been a source of confidence and peace. Life has only the meaning we give to it. There is no permanence. We are grass. I've found this enormously liberating, but also somewhat isolating, since there are so few that share this outlook.

The Amiable Atheist

2008-07-29T17:34:00.000-07:00

(Via Amiable)

I was raised religious. My mother was Baptist, and my father was Seventh Day Adventist. When I was young, we moved a few times, so we were always sampling different churches in the area to find the right fit. I went to Calvary Chapel, Episcopalian, Evangelical Free, Lutheran, Methodist, Presbyterian, Latter Day Saint, and Catholic church services. When we finally settled down, we decided on a small Baptist Church in our rural town.

As a young girl, I was very familiar with Bible stories, I prayed often, and went to church regularly. I accepted everything that my family and the church told me because I trusted that they knew best. I remember being so concerned with not sinning that I would pray for forgiveness if I let a mean word slip or if I was disobedient to my mother.

When I was 15 I went to a Baptist summer camp. It was a great experience. I was surrounded by other young people who loved the Lord, there was great music, and lots of fun. During an emotional sermon I stood up and "accepted Jesus into my heart". I cried, and everyone cheered for me. I felt completely filled up and good.

When I got home from the camp, those feelings soon faded as I realized I could not maintain that kind of elation in my daily life. I began to discuss baptism with my pastor, but everything seemed hollow and meaningless. When I was baptized at 16, I felt nothing and knew something was not right. I stopped taking communion and started doubting the things taught in my Sunday school class. I remember sneaking onto the computer one afternoon when nobody was home, and googling "atheism". To me it seemed like a dirty, evil word and I was frightened of being caught. But I just wanted to know, did they have any valid points? But my guilt over this urge was overwhelming and I didn't look any further.

At 18 I went away to college and during my freshman year I took a course on the religions of the world, anthropology, and geology. Learning about the many different religions in the world made me wonder, how could all of the others be wrong when they were all so convinced of their beliefs? In anthropology and geology class I discovered that the real world contradicted many of the stories in the Bible that I had been taught to interpret literally. The world was millions of years old, and humans had only been alive for a fraction of that time! At first, I began to accept the fact that perhaps the Bible was not to be taken literally, but that God was still important and my faith was not at odds with science.

But the more I learned about science and the world, the more I realized that my religion was just plain wrong; my Bible was filled with cruel and ignorant stories and it could not explain how the world began, and my fellow believers were sometimes intolerant and hypocritical in the name of God.

This is when I realized that I was an atheist. Since that point, I have never regretted this discovery. The only time I have felt a loss, is when I instinctually begin to pray at moments when things aren't going my way. I have to stop and laugh when I realize I am talking to myself.

Bree's Story

2008-07-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

(Via Bree)

I grew up in a small Catholic community. Back then, I was an only child, and my family and I went to church regularly. I was pretty good about it, always went without much fuss and sat quietly through the hour. As far as my little mind was concerned, it was just something everybody did and never questioned, like school and work and coming home at eight thirty every night.

When I started school, I also started religion classes. But so did most of my peers, and so I went along with that too. Most of it made little sense outside of 'Do this and go to heaven, do this and go to hell.' Soon enough though, I did take an interest. I learned more on my own, and took an interest in the different portrayals of heaven and hell and the entities within. I perceived it as more of a story than a faith then, and I enjoyed the remainder of my religious experiences for what they seemed to me; chapters of one big story.

When my younger brother was born, we stopped going to church. He wouldn't be quiet long enough to be in the church for very long, and even as he got older, he was a difficult child. He still is now. Religion eased out of my life and like any phase, I quickly grew out of it and took to something new. I became more of a tomboy, hanging out with boys and coming home covered in mud or swamp water with a snake or frog or bug to show for my efforts.

When my parents decided I needed to make my first confession, it was very awkward for me. As I'd grown and changed, so had my views, and my belief in god was fragmented and uncertain at best. I went through with it, of course, squirming and hoping whatever I made up was right.

In the following years, I changed from a doubting Catholic to a solid Atheist. It was a small, quiet transition, and it was a long time before I ever brought it up with my parents.

When I did, my mother was most surprised and disappointed. She told me I shouldn't talk like that, argued with me, and when I still stood by my choice, she blamed herself. I assured her no amount of force-feeding me religion would have changed my beliefs. At that time, she didn't want to talk about it.

Anything related to religion was tense after that. She would always make a comment, and the word Atheist was like a bitter taste in her mouth that she couldn't spit out fast enough. It was a long time later, over drinks, that she brought it up. It started with a genuine question. She asked how I could live thinking there was nothing out there for me. I started to talk to her about my views, and soon it was more of a debate than a discussion. Looking back, I could have presented things better, but under the influence, I suppose I didn't do too bad. By the time we were done, she quietly admitted to be having doubts, and the only thing I could tell her then was that it was okay. Okay to have doubts, okay to think differently, and okay to believe in whatever she wanted.

My mom still considers herself Catholic, and I have never budged in my belief, or lack thereof. But since that awkward discussion, she's been a little more accepting, and that works for me.

Born Yesterday

2008-07-28T16:18:00.000-07:00

(Via Chris Mitchell)

If you just want to know the train of thought behind my own mental blossoming, I suggest you skip the first segment.

I was born a human and raised a Christian. My family attended services at a contemporary Presbyterian church. I attended kindergarten at a Lutheran school and grades 1-7 at a Catholic school.

I'm not sure what to call it, but the environment I was raised in was not that of fundamentalist Christians, thank goodness. I was naturally inquisitive growing up. This especially applies to me spiritually. I could never stop questioning my being. Of course, I was so close to the religious beliefs I had been brought up with, they were always a part of my self-image. I could not view myself without a god.

My mother, unfortunately, kept me hooked on many of the weakest faith based ideas. My father, more open minded, and an atheist himself, was and still is an incredibly weak man. Weak to temptation and quick to anger. My time spent growing up was a... very confusing part of my life.

Finally, at the age of 17, my parents finally broke up. There were a few other tragedies, which I will not make particular mention of, that really struck me. A great number of other heart-wrenching events decided to take their place literally within the same week of the divorce. Mentally, I broke down. The household and family I had grown up with fell apart entirely and I had lost all of my good friends, which was basically all of my friends. This was a major changing point in my life. Not weird, I suppose, but after these events I found myself lacking the will to do absolutely anything. So I spent most of my time thinking, listening to music, playing video games, and thinking some more.

This is how it occurred to me. I always found it strange that so many other religions exist other than "my own". I simply thought thought that if there were so many Christians, we must be right. But then it began to dawn on me just how different beliefs were from person to person. What was the point of a religion that refuses beliefs from all other religions when there are not only many variations of said religion itself but variations of beliefs from person to person? Could you really be a Christian if you were not a fundamentalist? And if I said yes, was I not simply in a state of denial, torn between my own morals and beliefs and the "faith" which I felt I belonged to?

Eventually, I came out of this denial. I called myself agnostic for a small period of time but soon realized the bullshit involved with such a concept. One of the core elements of "faith" is indoctrination and so I figured it'd just be better to call myself an atheist. Not to mention realizing that believing in something does not make you a christian in any way, shape, or form. Also, what I believed in did not include a deity. I finally realized that spirituality was a core element of my own, personal being and it was not necessary to butcher the term with religious beliefs.

Now, I do not call myself an atheist. I do not need to. I am a free man.

Reality Ruled

2008-07-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

(Via Xpider)

I was raised Catholic with a very open minded background since my parents were divorced I was never really raised, but everyone was religious and took the god illusion very seriously but I always questioned this idea, at the age of 8 I got kicked out of a church for denying the prescience of god in a discussion with a priest, and then I realized that the people who preach this stuff are not as nice as they're supposed to be, this was all in Mexico, at the age of 14 I came to the united states where I learned the meaning of Atheist and on 2007 I made the decision of calling myself an Atheist as opposed to "I'm Catholic but I don't really believe in what I'm supposed to", reality has always been my way of living and when someone tell me to lie to myself in order to feel better, I simply refused to see it that way, I never thought this was so acceptable until I found the friends I have now who understand me and gave me a better logic to live by...

My story.

2008-07-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

(Via Jennie)

My story is, as Christopher Hitchens stated on page four of God is not Great "... one of those who's chance at a wholesome belief was destroyed by child abuse".

The day I discovered god doesn't exist.

I was 9 years old, and I had decided to look into religion on my own. My mother and step-father had no interest in religion, so I had asked a friend to take me to Church with her.

One bright summer morning, I was waiting for my friend Monica and her parents to pick me up for vacation bible school, as they had for the previous four weeks. My step-father decided it was a good morning for a beating. After he slammed my face into our wooden porch three times, I dusted myself off, and continued waiting for my friend to arrive. When her family showed up, I told them that I wasn't going to go with them anymore because I don't believe in God.

Never questioned the idea of a God existing after that day.

The End.

The Story of My Disbelief

2008-07-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

(Via jaskaw)

I have in this blog repeatedly pointed out the importance of the indoctrination that is done in the early childhood in transferring the religious beliefs. This is in a pivotal point in Richard Dawkins work.

My lifetime of atheism is certainly in some part based on the fact that I have not been subjected to any religious indoctrination in my early childhood.

I grew up in a family where the relationship with religion or church was quite indifferent. In both my parents families there was a strong tradition of activism in the Social Democratic movement which can in part explain this neutral attitude towards religion, even though both my grandmother’s were devout Christians.

I did not however receive any atheistic teaching or even had any knowledge of its existence in my childhood. My parents had very typical Finnish relationship with the religion. They followed the traditions, but they held a definite aversion towards any preaching or even religious way of thinking.

I doubt that a crucial thing in my own development was the thing that I never received teaching in religious matters before reaching the regular school-age, which is six or seven years in Finland. My mother was a housewife and so I never did go to kindergartens that are giving religious teaching in Finland, nor did I attend any Sunday school.

I suppose that the religious teachings received later in the school had much less impact, when there was a definite lack of the religious teaching most people receive at an age when they are not able to think for themselves at all.

Our family was on the other hand not against religion in any particular way and so I attended the regular religious teaching given to almost all children in the Finnish schools.

Even so, I remember thinking that the stories in the Bible were just another collection of bedtime stories, and I remember slightly wondering why this kind of series of clearly made up stories is taught in the school.

This early wonderment changed however to active resistance in the early teen-age. I can’t really say what caused this change. I only soon found out that I did spend the hours reserved for religious teaching thinking about arguments against these patently false and unhistorical assertions that were given as facts in this class.

The history part may have been crucial in my development, as I did nurture an everlasting love for history from the tender age of nine or ten, when I did first read the 600 pages of Pocket World History, admittedly skipping the dull parts dealing with culture. After that I read practically everything in our local library that had anything at all to do with history.

I did not receive any direct atheistic influences in the real life, but the clear anti-religious tendencies in the modern world literature must have made on impact also on me. Besides history I spend my spare time mostly by reading contemporary American and Latin American literature. From the older literature especially George Orwell’s earlier works had a great impact on me.

I remember clearly that my first anti-religious thoughts were formed when I realized that Christianity condemns to oblivion also those who have not had a physical opportunity of even hearing about its teaching.

I must admit that in high school I was the favorite pupil of our teacher of religion. He represented a very modern view of Christianity and she had great appreciation for the fact I had even thought about this kind of things in any way. My classmates were clearly only extremely bored by the whole thing with religion.

My views were maturing during these formative years and in my 18: t birthday I severed my formal links with church for good. In Finland a child is not allowed to resign from the membership of the state church without his or her parents’ permission before the age of 18, but I did at very moment it was possible.

After high school the matters of faith did disappear from my life quite totally for a very long time. Quite simply there were no more situations like the religious teaching at the school where you had to take any stand in these matters.

My atheistic views very not in any way changed in the years spend in studying political history, sociology and political science in the university. On the contrary things learned in these fields gave a new understanding the underlying causes for religions and new information of their negative impact in the humanity.

During my years in university I did not once meet a fellow student who would have been interested in religious things in any way or who would have professed open religious beliefs of any kind.

I do not even remember of ever conversing about religious or atheistic matters with anybody during these years, but my memory may be failing me, as alcohol may have been involved in these extended conversations.

Not even on a single occasion I did I have any need to openly defend my atheistic views as these matters simply were not important in this group of fun loving young people in the Finland of late 1970:s. In the same vein I did not feel any need to present my own views to anybody.

I have never based any of my views of the world on how popular they would have been in the time. Therefore I did not have any need to convert anybody to my own views.
By this time I had a brief but very tempestuous political career in the Social Democratic student movement. Politics was soon so much more fun than studying and the studies were soon left to a zombie status.

After the roller coaster ride of this rather short-lived political career was over, I had to find a new livelihood, as starting over of with my ailing studies did not seem a locking prospect anymore.

I turned to journalism, as I had liked writing all my life and my background did give me qualifications for just that profession.

My first steady job as a journalist was in a quite large newspaper in the western coast of Finland and there I met for the first time a person with real and open religious beliefs for the first time since listening to my teacher of religion in the high school many years earlier.

I remember seeing her as a person with a severe disability. The fact is that you are constantly checking your way of speech and things you are saying when in presence of a person with a major impediment, even as this is not a thing you should do… In the same vein I remember carefully watching my language in a strange way when this person was present.

The person in question was quite nice and charming young lady, but very soon I did find our seeking other company. The human being is just built so that a person prefers a company where you can be the person you really are and you don’t have the think about hurting the particular beliefs of any person.

It gives a good picture of the status of religious life in Finland, if a person can live to be nearly 30 years of age before meeting a person with strong religious beliefs. To come to think of I have not met many such ardent believers in the newspapers I have worked even after that.

A little later I moved for a spell to my original little hometown deep in the inland to work in the local newspaper there. There for the first time in my life I met a genuine young person under my own age, who would profess a religious belief. I had by then already come to believe that the young people would not fall for this bag of old tricks anymore.

This person was however an exception as religion played no part in the life of the people in my age group even in this a little already shrinking old industrial city with paper mills and one big company.

Al these years I did from time to time think about the origins of religious thought and reasons for their continued existence in a world where the made up explanations of the world are no more needed, when we have the science to give us all the explanations we need.

In the autumn of 2006 I listened to a collection of lectures in IT Conversations –Podcast series. By chance one of the lectures was Sam Harris and after listening to that lecture I suddenly realized that I was not alone in the world with my line of thinking, but there are others who had been thinking just the same things as I had.After Sam Harris I found rapidly also Richard Dawkins and his work.

The next big thing for me was the ‘06 version of Beyond Belief –conference. I did watch the those whole 15 hours of wonderful lectures and debate with growing enthusiasm.

By then I had already ordered the books by Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins and the Beyond Belief –videos were soon accompanied by a tough selection of atheistic writing.

After that I have read the works of Christopher Hitchens, Daniel Dennett, Michel Onfray, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Pascal Boyer, Nicholas Humhprey, Scott Atran, Victor J. Stenger among others. I am step by step getting a clearer picture where atheistic thought is today and what are the challenges ahead.

This blog then is a way of trying to transmit this newfangled view of the world also to others for what it is worth.

Always an Atheist

2008-07-20T15:50:00.000-07:00

(Via Roy Fischler)

I was always an atheist, as far back as I could have an opinion on the matter. My immediate family members were all atheists. Even my large extended family were virtually all atheists, as I gradually learned in more recent years.We're Jewish, ethnically, and I've read that Jews have the highest rate of atheism of any group in the US. Only one of my grandparents was a closet religious person to some degree, surrounded by atheists, and I didn't even know it until she died.

Not that my parents indoctrinated me -- far from it. The only thing I can even remember as far as my parents talking about the subject was my mother saying, once in a great, great while, "Isn't that stupid. How can people be so stupid.", while watching something about religion on the TV news. Mostly, they had a passing interest in science, which turned into a life-long passion in me. They exposed me and my brother to various scientific things. We traveled to the Bay of Fundy in eastern Canada and saw the phenomenal tides there, saw 2 total eclipses of the sun (the most awesome experiences ever), went to planetarium shows and museums. We had a small telescope. Near my grandparents' place in upstate NY, we used to go fossil hunting at a quarry. We'd collect seashells at the beach, and thereby learn about various forms of life. They subscribed to National Geographic, with their excellent science articles. But what had the most profound influence on me was the 1964 NY World's Fair, which portrayed a wondrous technological world of the future. I got the feeling that rationality and science and technology were the keys to making the world a better place.

While I can't claim that I figured out all by myself that religion is nonsense, as probably most atheists in the US (who came from religious backgrounds) can, I'm sure I would have even if I'd come from a religious family. Though my parents claimed that Santa Claus brought us presents each year, I remember figuring out by myself that the whole story made no sense, for a variety of reasons.

I was never one of those atheists who practically memorize the Bible in order to refute it. I never wanted to waste a single second or brain cell on religion, just ignore it. But with what's going on in this world now, between the Bible Belt and the Middle East, and being persuaded to join our atheist group, reluctantly at first, I finally took an interest, and it has been a (pardon the word!) revelation. Especially, I started reading websites pointing out all the craziness and blatant self-contradictions and outrageous evil in the Bible, and can't believe what "fun" I'd been missing. I am astonished at how 1.5 billion people can claim to follow that book and agree with it, and yet surely never have read it all or have much idea what's in it! Apparently, they all think that the next guy has read it and had no objections, but the next guy is thinking the same about them!

How I Became an Atheist

2008-07-20T11:15:00.000-07:00

(Via Josh Albert)

Why I am an athiest

2008-07-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

(Via Chris)

Well, I was never really raised with any religion. I heard people mention Jesus or Muhammad from time to time, but just kind of figured it was some leader somewhere, i didn't really care. My mom i guess is kind christian, and we celebrated Christmas, but religion was never a part of it. I really first encountered religion when i was ten. I had already found out that the tooth fairy was fakes several years before, and I knew about Greek mythology. When someone spent an hour and a half talking about Christianity, to me it seemed just like Greek mythology, so i just dismissed it as such. I started to encounter other religions, and none really were convincing. I read some of the books, but it felt like i was reading a fiction story. So i chose not to believe in a god, cause I figured that god/allah/etc. was just like the tooth fairy, fictional. I have yet to see any real evidence of ones existence, so, until there is any, I'll remain an atheist.

Third Generation Atheist

2008-07-09T21:38:00.000-07:00

(Via Tom)

My grandparents (on my mother's side) arrived from Poland through Ellis Island during World War One, and immediately upon arrival had their names changed (by others) and dropped their religion (by themselves). They were Communists with a capital C and lived their whole lives devoted to the ideal of everyone contributing what they could to the common good. On my father's side, my grandparents paid lip service to a form of Reform Judaism but didn't observe any rituals or holidays. My father dropped his religion when he entered World War Two at the age of 18. My mother was raised Atheist. All four of their children were raised Atheist from birth.

For me there has never been a question, and never been a problem. It's quite clear to me that religion stems from a massive failure of imagination - the inability to perceive the enormity of space and time or the tininess of individual creature-lives on any one particular spinning rock in space. I don't mind people believing what they like, as long as they don't force it on others, but of course, most of the monotheistic religions have evangelism as one of their core principles, so they do impose themselves on others. This is to me the evil of religion - the coercion of one group's madness on others. The same held true for Communists with a capital C, so this is not something inherent in religions. It's foolish to condemn religion for the weaknesses of humans.

Religion is not "bad". Atheism is not "good". "Each person only knows what they have seen and experienced for themselves, yet each imagines to have perceived the whole" (Empedocles).

I say, take it easy, and forgive all those who know not what they do :}

A Jehovah's Witness Discovers His Atheism

2008-06-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

(Via Brian Stilson)

My story begins in the dawn of the 1980’s. Vietnam was becoming a distant memory, Ronald Reagan was almost to his 2nd year in office, and Blade Runner was defining “fail” at the box office. I was my parents first child, though I had two half-brothers from their previous marriages. They were much older than I was, both 11 years old when I was born. My mother was pregnant with me at the same time as half a dozen of the other mothers in the local Jehovah’s Witness congregation. We were all born within a span of two months; a fresh “crop” of babies. Needless to say, I had a lot of peers my age.

My first memories are as a three-year-old toddler playing in the park with a friend. We were at a campground with several other families, who had traveled with their campers in tow to attend the District Convention of Jehovah’s Witnesses in Pontiac, Michigan. I don’t remember much about the conventions those days. I liked to look up at the cloth roof and see the silouhettes of workmen balancing on the thin, skeletal frame like acrobats.

My dad was an elder in our congregation, one of the first. Back before the 70’s, each congregation had one overseer, called (naturally) the “congregation overseer” or “congregation servant.” My father was married to the daughter of the congregation overseer for a time, until their marriage ended in divorce and she was disfellowshipped (another term for excommunication). When the arrangement was changed and the job of the overseer was delegated to a group of men instead of an individual, my father was one of these men appointed to be an elder, or shepherd of the congregation.

We lived in a small, white house my parents rented until my brother came along. When I turned 4, we left our little white house and moved to a larger home on 7 acres, the home my parents still live in today. I was raised as a typical Jehovah’s Witness child. We attended 5 meetings in 3 nights every week, plus field ministry on Saturdays. I started commenting quite young with simple, one-word answers like “Jehovah” and “Jesus” as the congregation awwed in approval. I didn’t like it. In fact, I found it insulting, patronizing. Despite my incredibly young age, I wished people would take me seriously.

As I grew older, I began to realize I was different from the kids in school. My parents prepared me for my first day of kindergarten, warning me not to participate in the flag salute. I was determined to make them happy, so I didn’t, even though another student tried to force me to stand up. From that moment, my life was centered on making my parents and the people in the congregation proud of me.

I was different in other ways from my peers as well. Early on, my school performance was higher than average, and in 2nd grade I was reading fluently while most other students struggled to form difficult words. This plus my lack of candor about my religious beliefs ruffled a lot of feathers. I would not hesitate to tell all my non-witness classmates that they were going to die at Armageddon. At the time, their hostile reactions were baffling. “What did I do wrong?” I thought. “They always show people talking about ‘the truth’ (what Jehovah’s Witnesses call their religion) to worldly people (what Jehovah’s Witnesses called those who do not share their faith) on the stage and nobody is ever upset about it!”

I became an unbaptized publisher–the first “level” in the church–at the age of 6 and joined the Theocratic Ministry School, a public speaking course for Jehovah’s Witnesses. Each week, three students enrolled in this course would give a lecture on a prescribed biblical topic, with a focus on one aspect of public speaking such as gestures or volume modulation. The elder in charge of the school would then critique the delivery, and mark a “scorecard” for each student with a “G” for good, “W” for “work on this,” or “I” for “improved.” If the student received a “G,” he or she would move on to the next aspect. When all the speech aspects were passed, they were started again. I always found it a odd that one could be enrolled in a school that’s impossible to graduate from, but the whole point was that our speech assignments refined and improved our speaking skills, and the lectures were practice to keep us sharp.

Though I did well academically, my social skills were sadly lacking. Over the years, I withdrew myself further and further from the main body of my peers. I began to identify with the outcasts, the poor and unpopular kids. I’d perceive hostility in anyone else and preemptively “respond” with hostility. Even the kids in the congregation that were in my grade distanced themselves from me, and some even joined in when other children ridiculed me.

When I was 12 I met one of the best friends I’ve ever had. He was 14, but we liked a lot of the same things. It was him that sparked my interest in science fiction, computers, and electronics. I was always drawn to computers. Throughout elementary school I longed to use the dusty old Apple II each teacher had tucked away in the back corner. I hated sports, so “computer day” was especially fun for me.

During my early teens I started changing, becoming more moody, and begun to hate living with my parents. My home life wasn’t happy. When I was 5 or so my dad and an older half-brother got in a fistfight. My brother ended up moving in with a couple in the congregation, and my dad stepped down as an elder. I don’t remember the fight, and was told about it later. At the time my dad told me he was tired of having the stress of everyone’s problems in the congregation weighing on him, but he never mentioned the fight. Maybe the fight was a culmination of that stress, and made my dad realize that he just couldn’t keep going like that. Either way, he didn’t get along with my brother, who tended to be a know-it-all and openly defiant.

When I was a 14-year-old freshman, a girl asked me to be her boyfriend. I accepted, and was quite excited by the whole venture. I tried desperately to fit in with my worldly peers, but years of being that well-behaved young boy that always told on everyone couldn’t be overcome. The relationship didn’t last long, either. When my mom found out about it and my loss of desire for “the truth,” she took me to a neighboring congregation.

Around that time, my mom also left my dad. I went with my mom to the neighboring town and congregation, where I had already made many new friends. These new people acted differently. I felt like part of the group, while in my first congregation I was always left out of everybody’s plans. Instead of wanting to leave, I dove right back into the religion.

After a year in my new congregation, I decided to get baptized. Baptism is a major step. It can only be attained after three rounds of questioning by local elders, to prove your knowledge of the Watchtower Society’s teachings. Baptism is done at Circuit Assemblies and District Conventions, large regional gatherings of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I was baptized at age 14–eleven years ago now. I really believed it was the truth, and I held fast to that belief for years.

Soon after baptism I began pioneering. Pioneering is a commitment to spend a certain amount of hours in the field, preaching from house to house. Auxiliary pioneers make a commitment for 50 hours for one month. Regular pioneers make a commitment for 70 hours per month for one year. I joined the Auxiliary Pioneer ranks several times before becoming a Regular Pioneer. The two experiences we worlds apart. When regular pioneering, I worked with the same people every day, and all conversations inevitably turned to gossip. The pioneers were the most judgmental, prideful people I’ve ever met. I’m saddened to admit that the attitude rubbed off on me as well.

After I lost my part-time job, money became tight, and I was not always able to share in the custom of donating money to the driver of the group each day to reimburse him or her for fuel. One day another pioneer said aloud how she thought it was just awful people would only donate $1 for gas, especially with the prices going up the way they were (keep in mind this is when we were outraged at $1.40 a gallon). I often did this, as it was all I could spare. I asked to be taken off the pioneer list shortly thereafter, citing my need to work full-time in order to pay for family expenses.

In the years after, many of my friends either moved away or “fell away” from the witnesses. I ended up moving to Detroit myself after a few years. The depression I had fought all my life worsened. I struggled in my new congregation. For the first time in my life, I started taking anti-depressants. They worked somewhat. I went from being neurotic and clean to being apathetic and messy. I gained 30 lbs. I decided that it was my environment that was causing my condition, and when a friend offered to let me live with him in his small town in the country, I jumped at the chance.

I lasted a little more than a year there, and eventually moved back in with my parents, and finally to the city in West Michigan where I currently live. It was when living with my parents that my first true seeds of doubt began to germinate.

We were studying a book called Pay Attention to Daniel’s Prophecy! That night’s particular lesson was about the “king of the north” and the “king of the south” in the book. The publication insisted that those kings were not individuals, but more than one person, and proceeded to name the kings of the north and south throughout history. It seemed pretty far-fetched to me. The actual book of Daniel gives no indication that these kings are multiple persons. It appeared more like a literal reading of Daniel was inconvenient for the Watchtower Society’s predetermined doctrine, and this “interpretation” was meant to cover up the discrepancy.

I didn’t address the doubts right away. I pushed them aside and told myself “Jehovah will clear it up in due time” like I imagine most Jehovah’s Witnesses do when confronted with a teaching that doesn’t make sense. Shortly thereafter I found a full-time job in my field of work and moved from my parent’s home to the city.

I spent a lot of time on the internet, and in particular the arguments many atheists were using. I began to watch YouTube videos by Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, and Sam Harris. I was vaguely familiar with Dawkins–he was quoted extensively by the Watchtower’s creationist book Life–How Did It Get Here? By Evolution or by Creation? Later did I learn how extensively misquoted he was.

Eventually, I started making atheist arguments myself. I laughed at the “Flying Spaghetti Monster” internet meme and the “Go God, Go!” episode of South Park without thinking too much about it. Finally, one weekend I came to the realization: I was an atheist. I had learned more about evolution from resources on the internet than I had from any book the Watchtower Society had published. I realized that all these years I was just passively accepting everything I was taught. I didn’t question anything about my faith. I didn’t even question the existence of God. I saw that all the Society’s answers for these questions were canned, avoided the issue, and were utterly without substance.

After a week, I told my mother. She chalked it up to my mood, and told me I was just saying that because I was depressed. Shortly thereafter, I had a “debate” with my father. He said the reliable prophecy was why he believed the Bible. I nodded my head but inside I was just giving up. I knew beforehand my parents wouldn’t understand. I just wanted to give them the satisfaction of trying. I reminded my mother that it was my decision, and she agreed, even though she said “we won’t lose you without a fight!” It was amazingly two-faced, but my mother has always had a problem letting me make my own decisions.

Now, I am in one world, desperately trying to break into another. My college-going younger brother moved in with me. He was recently baptized and I feel like a prisoner in my own apartment. He’s not a bad roommate or anything like that. I just can’t live the life I want to live without upsetting my family.

I feel my best option is to do what many former Jehovah’s Witnesses call “fading.” By building up relationships on the outside, I hope to minimize the damage if the day comes where I’m officially “outed.”

I keep a blog about my experiences at http://www.godless-heathen.com.

Godless

2008-04-29T17:17:00.000-07:00

(Via Ed Elfrink)

I am an atheist because of my kids.

I decided that religion is an important topic and if I was going to teach my children about it or take them to church, I should research the matter.

So I read the bible, "The Case For Christ," the "bible for dummies" and decided the evidence for any god is just plain not there.

The next book I read was "End of Faith" by Sam Harris and found it was the only book about religion that made any sense.

I now subscribe to the Richard Dawkins agnostic scale of belief where 1 is belief there is a god and 7 is belief there is definitely no god. I'm about a 6.9.

Take care!
Ed

A Pre-Schooler's Journey to Disbelief

2008-04-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

(Via Elles)

I often get asked why I’m an Atheist. That’s why I’ve decided to go ahead and do a post for Coming Out Godless and for this blog so that I can just give people linkage and they’ll know.

I was a child of Atheist parents. I, like all other children, came into the world with no concept of God whatsoever. I was unaware of my parent’s lack of belief for some time, though.

When I was… well, I don’t remember at all how old I was, I went to a Montessori school for pre-school. The teacher was a very nice evangelical Chinese woman. It was there that I first learned what God was.

I was excited my first day there. There was loads of fun games to play, nice people to play them with, picture books…

And then we sat down to lunch. I was ravenous, so I went ahead, opened up my lunchbox, and started shoveling food into my mouth.

“What are you doing?!” came a harsh whisper. I looked up from my food to see everybody’s heads bowed along with the teacher.

“She hasn’t finished praying!” said another child.

It was then that I learned that there was somebody called “God”. God was an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-benevolent being. He created us, protected us, and watched over us, sometimes granting us prayers. Cool!

I remember two major falsehoods they taught me there. God and Santa Claus. Santa Claus I debunked sooner. My first Christmas after learning about him, I was laying awake listening for him. When I heard a sound outside my room, I snuck out to be confronted by my Dad. Wasn’t much of a mystery how the presents got into the house the next day…

But God I believed in for a while.

Not only was the teacher at my pre-school teaching us about God everyday and making us pray, but my mother would take me to church. It’s not that she was a theist. She couldn’t care less whether I believed in God or not. She wanted me to go to church so that I could understand American culture.

I still remember the song I learned on the first day there. “Jesus loves me this I know, because the Bible tells me so.” And why do we know the Bible is true? Because it says it’s telling the truth. And how do we know the Bible is telling us the truth about telling the truth? Because it says… When I grew up and became more educated I learned that the term for this is circular reasoning.

At the same time, I started reading a lot. My favourite books were about science and… dinosaurs! I dunno if I became interested in them after I was obsessed with Land Before Time or if I became interested in them because of Land Before Time. Either way, dinosaurs were really cool… except… they were dead. Quite a shame but… wait a minute… If God created us and the dinosaurs, and God protected us and loved us because we were His creations… Why would God have let the dinosaurs go extinct?!

This bothered me and kept me awake during nap time. It made no sense.

Columbine happened a short while later. If God was protecting us and loved us, why would he let something like that happen?

Then there was another paradox that really killed God for my pre-school brain.

If God wanted us to believe in him, and he made us, why not make us so that we already believed in him? Of course, he apparently gave us free will to choose, but I wasn’t born with a conception of who God was. Why not instill in me at least some knowledge that he existed so that I could rebel against him if I chose to?

And then I said to my parents “this religion stuff is really stupid” or something to that affect.

I’d like to say I’ve been an Atheist ever since but in 4th grade I tried praying to God to help me on math tests. It didn’t work. I’ve been an Atheist ever since.

Skepticism

2008-04-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

(Via Ted Goas)

I hope my testimonial is short and to the point. I was raised by two educated, traditional parents in the New York metro area of the U.S. I was introduced to, schooled in, and eventually confirmed Lutheran. At no point was I ever enthusiastic about my religion or going to church. But like many others I took religious teachings at face value, went through the motions and believed what I read in the Bible.

But then I went to graduate school, which turned out to be my turning point. There I learned to question things, filter out bad information, ask for proof, and basically ask "Says who?"

During this time I watched a documentary and heard this quote from Michael Shermer: "Smart people come to revisit things they learned for not-smart reasons," or something to that effect. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

It made me realize that children can't control how we're raised. But we can re-evaluate what we were conditioned to think. After doing so, my story is probably similar to many other testimonials on this site. I converted to militant agnostic / atheist. My fiancé and I constantly research the subject of skepticism (in which the topic of religion naturally falls) and publish our findings on skepticalmonkey.com.

The testimonial of an atheist geek...

2008-04-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

(Via Rocky Oliver)

I have been an "out of the closet", publicly avowed atheist for many years. But I didn't start that way. Being Southern I was raised, as most people are down here, as an evangelical Christian - my particular flavor was Southern Baptist. I even attended a Christian school for 2.5 years (middle of 5th grade through 7th grade). One of the important tenets of Southern Baptists, and Christians in general, is the concept of a "testimonial" - an explanation of your faith and how you came to be a Christian. You are encouraged to share your testimonial as a part of "witnessing" to others in order to tell them about Jesus and (hopefully) "save" them.

I began to think about this, and realized that everyone - all of us - have a "testimonial". We all have a story of how we have come to believe the way we do. Some of us are still on the journey, and our testimonial isn't complete yet; while others amongst us are strong in our beliefs and convictions and, with the exception of some minor revisions along the way, our testimonials are pretty much complete.

Now I don't know about you, but I love to hear the testimonials of others - how, and more importantly why, people believe the way they do. I find these stories fascinating, and I have also found that often our stories are more alike than dissimilar, and the most fascinating part is how we can have common stories that wind up in such different places.

This blog has been a place of open, civil discourse even about the most controversial of topics - and this is something I have come to love. I thought it would be an interesting topic to provide a place for others to share their testimonials - their stories of the journeys to their current state of belief - without the fear of persecution. I would love to read your stories, and I think others would be interested as well. The only rules are that the discourse must remain civil, and while I encourage the asking of questions I will shut down any personal attacks immediately (I don't think it will happen, but I want to state that up front just in case). So, let me begin, and then you can share.

As I stated earlier I was raised as a Christian, a Southern Baptist. My mom is actually pretty accepting of other beliefs, but I was more influenced early on by the family of my step mom. She's the one that paid for me and my step sisters (at the time) to attend Forrest Hills Christian Academy. At that time I really "got into" being a part of this school and church. I manned a "prayer line" at times, I attended mission trips, I went to visitation, prayer service, and Sunday services. I was a model young Southern Baptist.

But during this time I began to have a nagging questioning voice in the back of my head. The more I got into my activities the more I began to question why we did what we did. I kept suppressing this inner doubt, and talked to ministers about it, but I still had doubts.

In 8th grade I began a search on my own for my own answers. I spent hours in the library (remember, this was in the 1970s, the internet really wasn't available as a tool back then) researching the history of Christianity, and reading the beliefs and histories of other religions. The more I read, the more enlightened I became. Then when I was 15 I decided to give religion and faith one more chance. My friends and I would go each weekend to a different church/temple/synagogue to explore the rituals and services of others, experience first-hand the people in the church, and try to discover, first-hand, which place - if any - felt "right".

I continued my reading and studying, and my discussions with my friends, and around 16 I finally realized the truth - I am an atheist. I was still enthralled with the histories of religions, but I realized that I was more interested in those histories - the "why" people came to their beliefs - than I was in the religion itself as a path to enlightenment. The moment I finally admitted to myself that I was an atheist I felt that this was the "right" answer for me - I felt I was being honest with myself, and that this was who I was.

Some of my friends became more, shall we say, "aggressive" in their atheism - the lashed out at other faiths, specifically Christianity, and I felt that wasn't right either. I told them that just because we don't believe doesn't mean that others shouldn't believe - and that everyone had to find their own answers to what makes sense for them, and what makes them feel complete. I must admit though that I did feel some animosity towards some specific churches - there was one called Chapel Hill Harvester that was very aggressive in their recruitment of teens at my school, and they (I believe) brainwashed the teens into blindly following them in lockstep. They convinced a couple of my friends into burning their rock-n-roll records and Dungeons & Dragons books (one of my friends finally realized this was silly, and is now an atheist as well), and I felt that this place was a harmful place that taught hatred and not thinking for yourself over an exploration of faith. Incidentally the leaders of this church have been brought up on charges for various things over the years (Bishop Earl Paulk and his brother, to name a couple).

So, I spent my late teen and early adulthood as an atheist. I continued to read up on religious history, mainly Christianity, but I didn't attend any services or anything like that. Years later after I was married and had kids my wife and I realized that we needed to find someplace for us to attend. Why? Because we're still in the Deep South, and down here the second question you're asked is "what church do you attend?" after "What's your name?" Those who answer "I don't attend church" are often subjected to witnessing, aggressive questioning, etc. During our search for a church we could attend without feeling like hypocrites we found Unitarian Universalism. UU is a place where we can be whom we are, without feeling like hypocrites. UU is a place where our kids can learn about other religions objectively, and can have a sense of community as well.

So now I am a Unitarian Universalist, and an atheist. I even taught Sunday school as an open atheist, because that's acceptable as a UU. I am comfortable with who I am, and I feel that we are teaching our kids to respect other religions, to explore and learn on their own, and to find answers for themselves - and that their answers may be different than mine, and that's ok too. My kids have a healthy respect for other religions, and they understand what most of the other religions believe - so when they are exposed to it in school or with friends, it isn't "new" to them.

I also defend my Christian friends, quite aggressively, against others who attack them. Why? Because as a UU and a human being I believe that we all have the inherent right to explore our own path, find out own answers, and be able to believe as is right for us without fear of being attacked. And to this day the only time I have a problem with anyone is when they try to force their beliefs upon me and my family - and luckily the Christians I know agree with me that this is NOT the right way to do things.

And before you ask, yes I associate with many Christians (almost impossible not to in the US, ya know?) - and they all know I am an atheist. What I find is that all of the Christians I count as close friends have one thing in common - they hold a deep respect for the beliefs of others, and they all "live their faith" - they are all living testimonials to their faith, and their lives are good examples of what their beliefs are - they live their beliefs. Devin "Spanky" Olson is an example of this that you may know. Also one of my closest friends that I hang with locally is a devout Christian who listens only to Christian radio, is very involved in his church, and who really does live his faith. We have great discussions, and we have learned a lot from each other - and I believe he has a newfound respect for me as an atheist because I have shown him that you can be a "good", "just", and "moral" person without having a belief in a deity. I believe we are each better people because of our personal friendship, and the friendship of our families.

With apologies to John Lennon...The Long and Winding Road

2008-04-02T15:55:00.000-07:00

(Via Sean Boyd)

As a youngster, moving frequently and seemingly without purpose, I probably felt more tied to what my parents believed than a lot of kids, even when those things didn't necessarily make sense to me. It was an element of stability for me, I suppose. So I had a smattering of Sunday School here and there, and my mother in particular was always looking for the One Big Thing that would change all our lives for the better (Eckankar, anyone?) So, sophomore year of high school, my parents discovered the Seventh Day Adventist church. I was only 13, and still didn't really question them about a lot of things, and they seemed to think it was a great thing, and I jumped in head first along with them. And it was great...for about a week or two. Turns out, I saw many inconsistencies that no one else was willing to address. Aside from the whole disregarding science when it was convenient to do so attitude, these self-proclaimed "chosen people of God" (and they do believe that) were easily seen as flawed and weak as anyone else. They tended to judge others on their dress, their financial status...in other words, they were human. I'm not saying they were bad, as a rule, just that they weren't better. But this, to me, seemed to be an important criterion: shouldn't people with a "superior" faith system somehow end up as better people than those without said system? I rapidly grew impatient with the hypocrisy, the intolerance, and started finding excuses to not go to church. More importantly, in my eyes, I stopped tithing: no more free ride for this church. At the time, I rationalized it by saying to myself that God would undoubtedly not let people starve because I stopped giving money to the church.

By the time I went to college (a few years after HS) I had officially left that church behind, and wasn't quite sure what I believed. I don't recall there ever being a single moment at which my beliefs changed, but I know that I started grad school with a half-hearted belief in something (whatever something was) and finished grad school a fairly rabid atheist. At one point in grad school, after a stint in the hospital (turns out that working 16 hours a day for months in a row without much of a break isn't good for one's mental health) a "friend" in my department told me that, in his beliefs, that such mental illnesses were often (if not always) caused by demon possession and he'd be praying for me. It was not April 1st, and he was not joking. He also proclaimed (at another time) that he was so blessed that everything he'd learned in college did nothing but reinforce his faith in his personal savior. This is the crux of the problem with religion in general: the twisting and ignoring of evidence to support irrational beliefs. I couldn't believe that someone earning a graduate degree in mathematics could honestly believe the Earth was only 6,000 years old. Whenever I truly stopped believing, this was the first time I realized it.

So, I finally, after a long stretch, came out of the atheists closet. I heard the usual "you'll burn in the lake of fire" from mom, but I suppose I expected that, given how rabid her feelings for JC truly are. I find myself annoyed at baseball games, having to sit through "God Bless America" which is jingoistic BS, and has nothing to do with baseball, when last I checked. Now, for instance, when Jehovah's Witnesses stop by to see me and give me nice things to read, I try to return the favor by having things for them to read...excerpts from various materials from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, for instance. And I realize, more and more every day, that I and the roughly one in six people in this country whose beliefs have more to do with rational thought than faith in an old book, are seen as morally deficient in some respect. Because we don't believe in the Big Sky Daddy, we can't openly state our beliefs and expect a whole lot of acceptance. We might have religious friends who, while they like us, might quite well hold the belief that we are destined to burn in hell, no matter how good we are here on earth. Love the sinner, hate the sin, and all that rot. What about love the sinner, regardless? With more apologies to John Lennon, wouldn't "all you need is love" be a better manifesto for life?

Sometimes, it's bitter, lonely, frustrating to feel so out of touch with those around me. But I don't think I could have it any other way.

It doesn't make any sense...

2008-03-31T13:39:00.000-07:00

(Via Jennifer Curtis)

I never really bought the whole "god" thing. From an early age my family went to mass on special occasions, or to participate in family functions. My mother and father only took us to church out of some weird traditional obligation, and the first memories of youth services were of choreographed song and dances with oppressive themes like spelling out the word "obey" and lame music. Around 13 or so my mother threatened me with private catholic school and I told her I'd drop out if she did (there were no music programs in this private school).

When I reached high school I made friends with a bunch of nice girls who all attended a Methodist church across the street from my house. Since it was right next door, and all my friends went there and my parents supported me in this, I went regularly. The people there were all very nice and helped the community out quite a bit, but I never felt any different than before. I never experienced any presence in my life, nothing got better or worse because of it. I did meet some very special people out of this place who have made a very big difference in my life.

During my "church" years, I avoided involving myself too deeply with these people, as nice as they were. I never signed up for mission work or participated in their musicals (even as a musician), I just couldn't make myself. Somehow, even though it was the "right" thing to do, it felt wrong. So I eventually stopped going, and only showed up for "holidays."

During all my education, I learned of all the horrible things that were done in the name of "god" and religion across the world. Coming to age right after 9/11, I've witnessed enough of my own to take interest. I read and researched endlessly. I discovered the biggest lie ever... GOD. Why can't everyone else see that their god was created to control them? Their is no after-life where you get to party with your whole family, pets and all, looking and feeling great... You only get one time... Do what comes natural, it's okay to be human...

I never had a really bad "church" experience, and during my earlier years, all the people I met because of it were good people. I just paid attention in my history classes and asked questions. Science can answer almost any question I've come up with, and is continually answering more everyday. Logic and reason seem to be the only things you can't use with god... you can't ask "why?" and get an answer. It just doesn't make any sense...

Never Really Bought It

2008-03-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

(Via jono)

From the early years, I vaguely remember going to church and getting in trouble from the Sunday School teacher for not bringing my quarter to put in the little Church-Piggy Bank.

My parents took us out of that church, but my sister and I were going to a Lutheran school where we had to go to chapel everyday. This inane process was only fun because we tried to say obscene things at higher and higher volumes to see who could get away with yelling "Penis!" at the top of his lungs.

We stopped going there after I completed kindergarten (yes, we were yelling "Penis!" in kindergarten. I spent a lot of time in the Principal's office) and we didn't start going to church again until I was in 4th grade.

To be honest, I think it was this time off that saved me. I imagine these are quite formative years in a child's life. Years in which Sunday School teachers literally beat the word of their god into you. I remember looking around at all my friends and feeling completely alone and dark in a big scary world because I was the only one that didn't know off the top of my head that it was DANIEL that was sent into the lion's den, not Claude Balls.

Throughout Middle and High School I was very involved in the youth group and youth choir at my church, and I enjoyed it very much. However I still just ducked away from the "How's your walk with Jesus going?" or "Do you do your devotions every day?" questions. I just enjoyed being around a bunch of girls in the youth group.

In college I went through some non-Christian activities, such as rugby team beer chugging fests and what-not. After college, my sweetheart and I were married (It's been about a year and a half now. Old married couple...) and we were going to church in our town. I was paying attention in church and reading my Bible and making notes, underlining Jesus' statements that I thought might be useful when telling my possible future kids how to live.

Then, it kind of all came crashing down. I started thinking about the whole thing. I read The Golden Compass and heard about how evil Philip Pullman is. I started reading about atheism and learning that it was, in fact, NOT evil. Then I realized it. I've been an atheist all this time and never knew it. I always thought that there was no way there was a dude up in the sky listening to me. The first time I heard about evolution, I bought it hook, line, and sinker. It all made so much sense, whereas Christianity never did.

So there you have it. You know how some religious folks tell you that Jesus is already in your life, you just have to notice him and weird shit like that? It's the exact opposite for me. And I am proud to say that I am an atheist.

It is one of the best things I've ever done in my life.

always was

2008-03-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

(Via liz)

i have always been a non believer. my father is a physicist so you can do the math there. i guess as a kid i went thru the motions of praying before a meal and praying before bed because i thought i was supposed to. i didn't know that it was something that connected to the world of religion. you know, they teach kids to pray but not why. all my friends did it so i did too. i always knew i didn't believe in god, but didn't know how to articulate it until high school when the other students started asking me about it. so i am an atheist...always have been.

Prayer didn't work

2008-03-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

(Via Csaba)

My mother was a caring parent. Hard-working and always ready to kiss the forehead of any of her two sons if he made a mistake and say "It's okay, Mom loves you no matter what".

She had breast cancer once and somehow made it through, when I was a small kid, with support from my father. Then, after a few years, it appeared again and this time, she knew she couldn't survive the chemotherapy. She cried in front of me because she knew she was going to die. I prayed and I prayed and she still died bereft of her dignity because she was a completely different (eventually half-) person by the time the cancer had spread to her brain. She died weighing 90 lbs. (40 kg) at 5' 8'' (172 cm), almost having no hair at age 41. Our prayer didn't work.

My father supported my mother as much as he could and although he eventually became an incurable alcoholic, he never laid his hand on any of us. He also smoked, liked Chuck Norris movies and was very proud of the last batch of red/white wine mix he home-made from the grapes growing in our yard. His work was hard, he changed jobs a few times in his last 5 years.

Three factors finally did him in: smoking (stiff blood vessels), red wine (high blood pressure) and his change of jobs, from fixing refrigerators for 25 years to carrying 120 lb. (55 kg) air conditioning units up some stairs, 3-4 stories, which was too much for his 48-year-old heart. I called him on his birthday and wished him "May God give you a long life!" as it is customary around here. He died about 36 hours later, having had a heart attack (myocardial infarct) during the night. All those times I prayed for the well-being of my family didn't count.

The priest said the same old lines at their funerals, about eternal life etc. but I believed less and less and now, having read "God Is Not Great" by Christopher Hitchens, my puzzle is coming together rather coherently and God is not in it.

Don't ever look back.

2008-03-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

(Via russellnation)

It was a cold dreary 5th grade catholic school Wednesday morning required mass. My eyes filled with sleep. The moment reached when we were all supposed to kneel and pray. As I leaned forward to kneel, my brain screamed in astonishing insight that it was all a farce and no sense was to be made from it. I never looked back.

What am I doing?

2008-03-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

(Via damiank)

I'm a college dropout, but in my first year, i took anthropology 101. The professor said something similar to this: "If you are determined to believe in Adam and Eve, there's the door" (pointing to the door). From that moment, I've been fascinated with human evolution. I'm a Cajun catholic, so I guess I believed that atheists were evil. Since i can remember, I've never been fond of church, and failed catechism, but still convinced myself that I had a personal relationship with god. Until age 26, I would kneel and pray at my bed asking for forgiveness for the past, present and future so I would be covered, in case I forgot to pray. After hearing of many scandals, and seeing the hypocrisy at the local church, I started to really question things. Why do men go to church, then walk out and say "look at that ni**er"? That's not too Christ like. One night while preparing to pray, I asked myself, "what am I doing?, what's going to happen to me if I skip this?" So, the experiment was on; no more praying. My life started to clear up, and I realized that I was in control, and that I haven't been struck by lightning yet. I remember getting excited, like being released from a minimum security prison or something. It took awhile, but I saw the light.

The Black Milk Bottle Story

2008-03-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

(Via David Michael)

My earliest religious memory is a picture in the Catholic Baltimore Catechism showing three bottles of milk to explain sin and the state of grace. There was a black bottle of milk to show the result of mortal sins, a grey bottle for venial sins and a bright white bottle for being in a state of grace. The bottles were your soul.

Although I was only 7, I identified with the black bottle of milk because I had the feeling I was bad and had been punished by god who caused me to have polio and wear a brace.

I think I must have come to that thought because I was told that if I was bad, god would punish me, and since there was no one else in my school or family who had been “cursed with polio”, I must be bad.

I was made to feel like an outsider because of my leg. In actuality, I had a very slight case compared to those who were totally paralyzed or in iron lungs. I was actually able to run, after a fashion, but not fast enough not to be overlooked for competitive games, or chosen last just to keep the sides even.

There was plenty of cruel name calling and bullying for the ensuing years of elementary school to the point where I even dreaded recess because that was when it was the worst. I gained my full height early in life so now I was fighting a lot because what better target than the big kid who could not catch them when they would play a frustrating game of hit and run. These were not just one-on-one fights either. I found my best defense was to but my back to a wall to have only one front to defend. I would occasionally be able to grab an assailant by the arm or trip one running away and then give better than I got. I remember being on top of one of worst bullies and beating him to the point he had to go home, but I was the one doing the crying.

Never once were any of those bullies at my catholic school ever punished by the nuns (or for that matter, god) for what they did to me.

Once, a nun told me that I would not need to help myself up from a genuflection, while training to be an altar boy, if god really wanted me to serve at Mass. I quit that day.

That catholic school experience helped to make me an atheist. Now, at the age of 60, I am thankful for that help to see the truth.

I fortunately went to a public high school and had some surgeries that removed the need for the brace. The limp was only marginal and my height and strength made up for my lack of speed, hitting home runs but rarely beating out a single.

I was interested in science, the one subject the nuns had not turned me off on because science was not on the curriculum at all. I became a biologist and embraced evolution for my explanation for life, but not wanting to be an outsider again, I kept my agnosticism, that grew to atheism, to myself. I would go to weddings and funerals in a church even though; I actually shook inside and out as I would walk through the church doors. I would go through the motions, standing, sitting, kneeling but without praying, all the while watching the clock for the moment I could get out of there.

When I married, I gave into my wife’s request for a church wedding by consenting to one at the Universalist Unitarian church, which I never attended, just because I was told even atheists were welcome.

We raised our daughter without any mention of god, but in her twenties she became a believer from the influence of her friends. I hope she will accept my truth some day.

Just a few years ago, I found an atheist group meeting in a UU church and went to a few meetings but found them unsatisfactory. They resemble a church meeting. There is one person who runs the meeting, like a priest. The donation plate is passed. Cookies and fruit punch (bread and wine) are shared. The worst thing about the meetings is that more religion is discussed than most church services, although it is discussed so it can be argued against.

I would rather find out more about the good things that are in your life as an atheist than the bad things that are in your life as a believer. I would also like to become more active as an atheist than the intellectual ambiance that hangs over the meetings with people trying to impress others with how much they have read in the bible that is in conflict. Why waste time discussing something so worthless to an atheist?

I would be the happiest if I could go for at least a year without hearing the word god. I have been fighting a battle with myself to even get god out of my cursing vocabulary, but a simple hammer to the thumb gives god some free advertising I don’t want to give. Old habits die hard.

I am presently trying to get as many people as possible to view the excellent video“The Root of All Evil?” on You Tube. I have just started approaching some public television and some cable stations to broadcast the video. Wish me luck and write in yourselves!

My long path to reason

2008-03-08T19:41:00.000-08:00

(Via John Gordon)

My parents wanted to give me a religious upbringing so from an early age I was exposed to regular church and Sunday school. I was quite young and had been taught to do the “right thing” without questioning. From grade 5 I was enrolled in a Christian all-boys college (Church of England – now Anglican) and my religious exposure increased to almost daily. Chapel services every morning started proving tedious, this was not fun! I tried to be religious, I tried to find God but nothing was there, I found myself just wanting to be outside doing something exciting instead of wasting my time going through this chore. I would look around when we were supposed to be praying to see if there were others like me, but everyone else had their eyes closed and seemed to be in a trance like communication with God. Apparently God didn’t want to talk to me – oh, well, this is boring anyway.

I wasn’t particularly interested in receiving my confirmation but was compelled to attend a course and the ceremony. My grandmother never attended church and in my teens my father stopped attending also. I never thought to ask why, my grandmother was a little strange, and my father – well, perhaps he was too busy? Religion was not something that was actually discussed – this was the task of Sunday school and church. My mother kept dragging me along and gradually my resistance increased – I just couldn’t see the point in wasting half of my precious Sundays.

I became more selective about those parts of the ceremony that I would follow. I refused to recite “we are not worthy to gather the crumbs from under his table”. I had some self respect! I was not going to allow myself to be so pathetic. (I was worthy to gather crumbs!) There were other phrases I can’t recall now. I still generally sang hymns, which I found kind of moving. I would participate in the sacrament – the blood and body of Jesus – I thought the idea silly but it broke the monotony and I got to have a sip of port! At this stage it meant to me that the service was nearly over.

Suddenly my mother stopped forcing me to attend to church – what a relief. We would make an effort at Christmas Day and for weddings and funerals. For a long time I stopped even thinking about religion, good or bad, it just wasn’t for me.

In my adult life I became an avid reader, I started off in an ad hoc manner but my reading gradually became more focused. History began to fascinate me. I was reading something real, real people and real events that really happened - this seemed so much more relevant than imaginary stories – and I was learning. As I read about the Middle Ages, the inquisition, world war one in the trenches, the holocaust, I started to realise just how much suffering there had been (and still is) in the world. I became quite contemptuous of a God that would allow all of this to happen. It didn’t seem very forgiving or loving to me. I guess if he existed for me at all then he was not even worthy of my attention.

A critical point occurred while reading Norman F. Cantor’s “The civilization of the Middle Ages”. I quote the relevant phrase: “The disciples saw visions of Jesus a few days after his death; they believed that he had risen from the dead, and certainly he stayed alive in their memories”. A light came on! There is no evidence for the divinity of Jesus Christ! I just knew I had found what I was subconsciously looking for. Jesus was just a man, a prophet, (perhaps a very talented one), but a son of God? Born of a virgin? All the biblical stories suddenly seemed so silly – so much doubt and confusion fell away when I stopped trying to rationalize historical reality with biblical fairy tales.

I pointed this out to my wife (at the time) who scoffed at my book, how someone could dare to contradict the “truth”! Her instant denial was most disappointing; evidence was not in the least relevant to her beliefs.

A few years have passed since then in which I have had some other quite pressing personal matters such as a career change and divorce. Religion was irrelevant for me and I considered it harmless. I could categorise myself as an agnostic at the time although it was not really something I thought about much. Christmas I considered merely a tradition, on par with Santa Claus, a holiday to be appreciated and a time to share with the family. Occasionally at dinner in my sister’s home one of my nieces would say “Grace” in order to thank God for our meal. This was a surprise when it happened – like an unwelcome friend who has dropped in uninvited. I accepted this pointless exercise because I was in another home as a guest and it seemed to be important to them.

Religion reappeared in my life again when I remarried. My wife is a catholic and she is a believer – although (thankfully) only attends church rarely. We had a religious wedding because it was what she wanted, but I agreed for traditional and cultural reasons – what harm could there be? The ceremony was a beautiful experience and a wonderful time in my life. Although I still had not admitted atheism I did feel a little hypocritical being back in church, appreciating the beauty and ignoring the dogma.

Reading the “God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins was my final step in becoming an atheist. I devoured the book and it was quickly followed by “God is not Great” by Christopher Hitchens and “The end of faith” by Sam Harris. I spent a lot of time reading atheist websites and forums on the internet and I’ve joined the Brights. Discussions with my parents reveal that they are non-believers also (very passive though) and I gave my father a copy of “The God Delusion” which he really enjoyed. My parents revealed that they encouraged my church attendance when I was younger because it was **what they thought they should do**. “A gift”, if you will. “A gift of confusion” in my opinion – I have really begun to realise the dangers that religion poses in our society.

My wife is highly intelligent and well educated and we have had some relatively heated discussions on the topic. Her bottom line is “I don’t care how much logic or reasoning or evidence you give me; I have the gift of faith and I believe”. In the interests of matrimonial harmony we have agreed to disagree, she accepts and respects my philosophy and I need to accept and respect hers – which is difficult if I think about it too much! Open atheism is not readily accepted in our society, if only it were. Perhaps little by little the light of reason, truth and logic will prevail – one can only hope.

Hey Brothers and Sisters, I'm Ready to Testify!

2008-03-06T09:16:00.000-08:00

(Via Brother Richard)

I pretty much grew up a "heathen." My Mother was raised Catholic so occasionally we would attend Midnight Mass at Christmastime, and my Father was raised Methodist, so we went to a few Easter Sunrise Services. Other than that, I only walked into churches for weddings, funerals, and every once in a while, one of my cousin’s First Communion.

I had an extreme "born again" religious conversion as a teenager. I had run away from home and was somewhat manically depressed. (although never diagnosed). On my return home, I found God—like many people do—watching religious television. Make no mistake; it was very much a “real” experience. I physically felt a change, and it saturated my entire life. I became one of those annoying Christians who passed out salvation tracks on the streets. I started going to a Charismatic (tongue speaking) church and immediately felt the call to prepare for ministry.

When I graduated High School, I enrolled in a Bible College that was run by a 12,000 member mega-church. While I attended school, I met just about every televangelist (Jim and Tammy Bakker, Oral and Richard Roberts, Pat Robertson, Robert Tilton, Jimmy Swaggart, etc.). Looking back, I think I was “Forrest Gump” of religion.

Not long after I graduated, I began doing God’s work. A couple years later, I found myself in a church surrounded in controversy. Several of the pastors were caught up in sexual scandals. There were lawsuits and news reports almost daily, and Sally Jessie Raphael, Inside Edition, and Larry King dedicated entire episodes to our predicament. I stuck by the ministers through the hard times and didn’t leave the church until I stumbled upon what I felt was money mismanagement. I could no longer condone this ministry by remaining in leadership. My wife, newborn daughter, and I, walked away and had to start a new life.

Over the next few years, I attended a handful of churches and continued to study the Bible. I slowly evolved into what I now know is a deist. I wouldn’t even consider—not believing—my personal experiences were very real, and I was scared to go to Hell. So I kept God in a little box at the back of my mind and went on with life.

About two years ago, I decided to rededicate myself to the study of the Bible and Theology. This time, however, I would do so without any preconceived beliefs or theological presuppositions. Surely, I thought, if God was real and the Bible was His Word, they both would stand up to reason, doubt, and logic.

It was not a pleasant experience. I was shocked to find out how many contradictions were in the Bible and how much it had changed over the centuries. I didn’t allow these revelations to change my mind about God, but, I did allow myself to let go of the idea that the Bible was inerrant.

Next I decided to study the Creationism vs. Evolution debate. I had always been a strong believer in evolution, and simply thought that we didn’t understand Scripture. I was amazed to discover that there really was no controversy; Creationism and Intelligent Design were not scientific theories at all. They were so bad they were not even wrong. The entirety of their argument was irreducible complexity, which says that some things are so complex that it is impossible they could have evolved. That’s it; end of discussion. Creationists spend the rest of their time focusing on unresolved evolutionary components and inserting God as the explanation.

The final nail in my “faith coffin” was the last Creationist book I read. The author after hundreds of pages, made one last desperate plea for believers not to be tempted by evolution. His argument went something like this:

“There are many Christians who wrongly accept evolution and are not aware that it is in direct conflict with the basic tenants of their faith. Christianity teaches us that all death and suffering entered the world when Adam sinned. If man evolved, then by definition, his predecessors lived and died. I ask you, if sin did not cause death and suffering, why do we need Jesus? The Bible is very clear, just as sin came into the world through one man, Adam; salvation came into the world by the second Adam, Jesus.”

The author’s words terrified me. He was right; I couldn’t have it both ways. With those words—which I’m sure he prayed over—knocked me into non-belief. It was like blinders had been removed from my eyes. Suddenly, I realized that it was just as easy to believe that the Universe (in some form) had always existed as it was to believe that God had always existed.

It wasn’t until I read Dawkin’s book "The God Delusion," that I accepted the fact that I was an atheist. All the books that followed helped solidify my beliefs and gave me the courage to "come out of the religious closet."

Being a former minister, I immediately realized a great lacking in the non-believing community. When we had our first daughter, young families from our church brought meals to us every night for two weeks. When a brother or sister in Christ needed help moving, we were there. If one of us ended up in the hospital, we visited them and gave support to their family. It was wonderful. I am convinced the church pews are full every Sunday with individuals that are there only because of the friendships and structure it gives their families.

Science teaches us that the need for rituals and inspiration are an important part of our evolution. However, when believers give up their religious superstitions, often they don't have anything to put in its place. I don't think this needs to be the case. Why can’t we find inspiration in music, art, literature, and the beauty of the Universe? Why shouldn’t we honor traditions and celebrate holidays without the irrational beliefs? Why can’t we teach our children morals with stories and parables (even from the Bible) without teaching absurdities? And most of all, why can’t we enjoy the benefits of community with like-minded individuals? As the old saying goes, "We don't have to throw the baby out with the bath water."

My wife and I feel that this is our new “calling.” If you live in the Atlanta area, help spread the word and let's get active. If you live elsewhere, contact us and we can try to help you establish community in your area. If you already attend a similar group, tell us about it. We can all work together with common cause.

If you need an officiant for any traditional event and you want it religion free, I’m available. I have been ordained secularly and would love to help out. I am also available for speaking engagements and debates.

Finally, let me encourage you to come out of the atheist closet. Many of us have been blogging that being an atheist today is like being gay in the 80s. All joking aside, it is true. It is time for us to not be ashamed and to let our family and friends know the truth. We can't let our society fall back into another Dark Ages. Spread the word. Contact your representatives. Write letters to newspapers and comment online. If you have a blog or web page, I ask that you provide a link to our site. We have provided various buttons on our site. I provide on my site and do the same for the others you enjoy.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

I am a Bright, are you?

2008-02-19T09:13:00.000-08:00

(Via Erika Cowen)

All my life I have been puzzled how so many intelligent people I know and trust appear to believe in a god. The same goes for ghosts, life after death, superstitions and astrology.
I joined a local Freethinkers Group three years ago and became aware of Richard Dawkins and Daniel Dennett's writings.

I suddenly felt understood after years of confusion :)

Now I spend many happy hours listening to them on Youtube and have proudly registered as a "Bright".
A bright is an individual whose worldview is naturalistic (free from supernatural and mystical elements).

Tabula Rasa

2008-02-14T17:23:00.000-08:00

(Via Adam P.)

My story isn't particularly interesting, nor is it filled with much adversity, so, it may make for a boring read, but I feel it is important to share this information to let other people know it is okay to believe this way.

At the age of about 8 or 9, my parents thought they should do their parental duty and give me some kind of religious education. They are not religious in the least, but felt the pressure from society.

Now, growing up, I never even had the notion of god in my head, as my parents always had a reasonable answer to my curious wonderings, without resorting to the idiot-proof 'God did it.' argument.
So, going to Sunday school at age 8, it was a little to late in my development to be indoctrinated. And for that I am thankful.

So, I went to Sunday School and all of that jazz until about age 12. That was also the time that I had first read the Bible cover-to-cover, and I distinctly remember being absolutely horrified at the kind of injustices and contradictions that confronted me on almost every page. Even at that young age, I was able to tell that all of this was a man-made charade.

Again, luckily I had parents who didn't force anything upon me, and as time has gone by I have found more and more people, and more and more information that confirms that I am outside the bubble of delusion.

How I became a non-believer

2008-02-14T11:20:00.000-08:00

(Via Hollis Geary)

Born this way.
Had some life problems. Investigated the super natural. Rejected the super natural.

Very happy now

Overcoming Faith

2008-02-13T14:01:00.000-08:00

(Via Caleb T.)

I was raised by hyper religious parents, and I went to a private Christian school for the first decade of my education. Quite literally everyone I spoke to, every friend I had, and every adult-figure in my life was a fundamentalist Christian. The thought of atheism was to my young mind silly, though I felt sorry for all the people for their future stint in hell.

At the age of seventeen, I began to question things. I am bisexual, and it was at that age that I began to realize this fact about myself. For the first time I picked up a Bible and read it completely - from Genesis to Revelations, and for the first time I began to realize how barbaric and silly most of it was. It was at this point I became a deist. (I did not as of yet have the courage to reject God completely.)

I quickly graduated to an agnostic, and then more slowly developed into the militant atheist I am today. I still find myself mumbling prayers to myself, and I still have a bit of a fear of hellfire. These things are still so ingrained in me due to my conscription (I 'accepted' Christ at the age of 6) that it disgusts me, but over the years I am slowly healing, and slowly overcoming faith.

My atheist story

2008-02-05T14:29:00.000-08:00

(Via Kevin Forbes)

When I was a young man, I existed in that realm of what could be called "Sort of Christian." That is, I believed in God and Jesus, but I didn't study the Bible and I didn't go to Church.

When I reached the age of fifteen, my family decided to become 'religious' and as a result I was brought to Church for the first time that didn't involve weddings or funerals. That summer I became a born again Christian. In that time I got to experience the joys of religious hypocrites. I eventually abandoned the idea of Church, which was the first nail in the religious coffin.

Although I abandoned church, it would be much longer before I abandoned god. I lost my actual faith in the early twenties. I don't remember why I initially abandoned Christianity. It might have been my budding interest in Philosophy or my problems with depression. I do remember that it was for the wrong reasons-I abandoned Christianity because I was mad, not because I didn't believe in it.

Floundering around for some sense of certainty, I rediscovered the Problem of Evil, in it's form laid down by Epicurus. If you aren't familiar with it look it up. It left me with two choices:

I could accept the compelling arguments against god.
or
I could pretend that I never heard it and continue to live a life I honestly didn't believe.

I chose the former, and it changed my life.

Confederacy of Dunces

2008-02-04T13:39:00.000-08:00

(Via Michael Bunn)

I was not raised religious. My family's religious background is Unitarian Universalist, a faith that I truly respect for its inclusiveness and beautiful message of peace, as well as its uniqueness among Judeo-Christian sects in its adherence to the message it espouses. Its focus is not on Jesus or God, but on general respect for life through friendship, love, and charity. I grew up with not a Bible, but a thin guidebook containing messages of morality. God was never mentioned in my house until my younger sister and I heard about him from neighbors and friends. When I inquired about it, my mother told me that 'God is the light in our hearts that shows us how to be good people.' Had my best friend growing up not been a stalwart Christian, I doubt I would have even heard that.

I grew up loving science: exploring the woods behind my house, looking up at the night sky, and knowing the Latin name of every dinosaur. I knew what a quark was before I could write in cursive, and religious explanations for natural phenomena never passed through my mind.

I never really thought of my views as different from the norm until the fourth grade. I was doing group work with two classmates of mine, Delonte and Karla (who was, incidentally, my first crush; I remember being ecstatic when at her 7th birthday party - Power Rangers theme - she went as the yellow ranger - I was the blue ranger, and the blue ranger was always getting the Asian tang on the show, but I digress;) when somehow the origin of the universe came up in discussion. Delonte asked me how I thought the universe was created. I told him that there was no definitive answer, but many scientists thought that there was a "big bang" that had shot out lots of energy which became matter.

Being in fourth grade, I didn't quite know the details of string theory, but if I had, I wouldn't have been able to explain them, because Delonte proceeded to ask Karla.

"God made it!" she said confidently.

"That's right!" Delonte replied. "Damn, Mikey, I thought you were smart..."
I was harassed for the rest of the day by the numerous students who Delonte found who shared his knowledge of the irrefutable truth. Come get the smart kid, he doesn't have the answer this time! We do! Our parents told us the explanation simple enough for a child to fully understand.

I remember coming home and crying to my mother about it. How did I not know about this God. How did I lack the certainty that all the other kids had? And WHY would a loving God send his believers to attack another child for his lack of indoctrination?

But I knew why. I'd always known why but had thought only in uncertain terms. Not anymore. I said it to myself in bed that night: There is no God.

I can only thank my parents for supporting me and not brainwashing me as a child, allowing me to think freely and come to my own conclusions about the world around me.

Thinking back to this story I always recall a quote by Jonathan Swift, a quote that inspired the title of one of my favorite books:

"When a true genius appears, you can know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in a confederacy against him"

Questioning Young

2008-01-29T10:01:00.000-08:00

(Via Matt)

So, I will start off on a funny note. When I was 7 and I was a fully indoctrinated christian, I read the bible cover to cover. I actually ended up stopping 3 book in. I was of course at Leviticus (Since then I have read it cover to cover for educational value). Specifically Leviticus 11:12.
I decided I liked squid better than I liked God. This is when I began to question religion. In my naivety I asked my Sunday school leader If I would go to hell because I like squid. Naturally, she had no idea what I was talking about. I showed her the verse and she said no, because Jesus died for me. To this day I wish the question I had asked was 'Why does God hate squid?'. I went on with my life with a little less trust in religion.

So now on to when I was a bit older and could make these serious decisions for myself. The setting now is Middle school biology. Of course here is where many people could be expected to turn atheist if they had any doubt in religion. I learned about evolution. In middle school (and high school) I was that scholarly type, always doing more research than was necessary.
So I went and read The Origin of the Species. This is when I really became an atheist (Though a closet case). I was at that time in a youth christian organization (YoungLife). I asked my leaders about evolution and how it pertained to religion. I wish I could remember their response, but I do remember it was snide. That really made me shy away from religion. Unfortunately, that also made me want to keep it a secret.

It stayed like that for awhile. I am 19 now. I am no longer a closet case after reading The God Delusion and learning about reasons not to keep it hidden. So one of my steps of course is to post here. I am a proud Atheist!

Too Much of a "Good" Thing

2008-01-28T19:53:00.000-08:00

(Via Derek)

I was never really "rooted" in a church for most of my life, but my family, in no uncertain terms, subscribed to the Christian tenements. It went so far as to my attending a private Christian academy for 5th and 6th grade, a very critical stage in social development, I'd say.

Note, however, that we were not actively attending church. It was always the boring thing we had to wake up on Sunday to go to and carry out the rituals and all that jazz. Even while I was at this Christian school, I slept in on Sundays.

When I was in 7th grade, my mom found a church home and immediately dragged us along with her. She's still happy there, now an ordained minister of two years, and if it gives her justification to carry on, good, she's my mother and I love her as much as a son is entitled to love his mother.

Throughout high school my faith slipped more and more, as I befriended more rational thinkers and shirked on my devotion to church more every week.

Then my brother told me in no uncertain terms he considered himself agnostic (about two years ago, when I was a senior in high school), and I started actively resenting church: stopped responding (i.e. - no talking, singing, etc. in response to a church figure unless it was one-on-one direct contact), refused/excused my way out of any function I could, started to let my personal KJV/Amplified parallel bible gather dust on my dresser in my room. I'm convinced that thing has now sat on my dresser for a good three years solid without being opened, much less touched.

I then moved off to college, far from my Bible belt origins, into New York, to a science and engineering school, of all places. Religion was still all around me, it seemed: several of my friends are devout Christians and still attend service every Sunday, but my impetus to go (my mother) was gone, and so was the leash that religion seemed to hold on me. But it took one of my good friends to say those empowering words to me: “I'm an atheist.” And from there on I finally had a reference, a person to turn to who was comfortable in the beliefs I so longed to accept as my own.

Of all the things that finally pushed me to make the leap from agnostic/“a-religious” as I put it to calling myself an atheist, it was adding StumbleUpon and turning on “Atheism/Agnosticism” to my interests (including finding this site). IMMEDIATELY, the answers were there, the support was there, the PEOPLE were there. It wasn't just me. I wasn't just going crazy, the science that I've devoted my life to studying is actually rational, and just because I have more trust in that than an imaginary deity does not make me any less of a human being.

I am moral, despite what most people would think upon first meeting me (I'm a college student, so morality is a bit bent for my demographic regardless). I think that there are some people who will never in the bottom of their soul ever renounce their beliefs, and to you I say “More power to you, whatever helps you sleep at night.” The universe is a beautiful place, I just like to watch the equations that define it unfold rather than thinking some magic words created the Earth and the “Heavens”.

Never a Believer

2008-01-21T13:25:00.000-08:00

(Via Rob)

My story is rather short, since I was never indoctrinated and was never made to attend church I never received the full effect of religion. I am grateful my parents were never church goes, even though my grandparents were, for some reason we never attended church.

My mother said that we were supposed to be Baptist, but even as a wee lad I do not recall ever going to church. While growing up, my religious aunt would take me along with my cousins to church functions when I stayed over. But that was not on a regular bases and it was never for regular service.

As I write this, the more I think about it, the question comes to mind, why didn't my mother send me to church? I need to ask her this, I am sure there has to be an underlying reason for it. But none-the-less, I am thankful she did not send be church, what kind of mindless drone would I have become if she did?

Even though I never was indoctrinated with the poison of christiandom, my friends all seemed to have some sort of 'religiousness'. They were not hardcore or anything and never professed it really, but it came to that I had to have 'belief' in something dogmatic. During high school I did goto a couple of church services with a friend or two, one was Catholic and the other was just general christian something or another, I do not really remember simply because I was just not interested whats-so-ever.

Anyway over the years a pondered over the superstitious and what it might mean to me. My Mother even stated that "I never believed in that kind of stuff." Which, for as long as I can remember, has been my entire life. For the longest time I too the Agnostic route, The 'I'm o scared to make a decision' position. Simply for that very reason, but also I was not to clear on what 'Atheist' actually meant. It was not something, that at the time, I was familiar with. I was still trying to find a spot for in the religious world, much to my luck I never found one.

Religion has always appeared to be phony and wants you to submit to something that they can not prove to you exist. 'Come and pray to our invisible friends' and while your at it 'give us some cash.' A couple of years ago I made a friend that was reading about Satanism, I started to read about from this site and that site, after awhile of reading into it I hit a wall....The wall of reality. At the same time I was also dabbling in Wicca, something that another friend was into. It's funny that Satanism lead me to becoming an Atheist, but what ever works.

I did not practice any of it, but just the reading of it made something come together in my mind. I realized that it is all rubbish, all religions are nothing more then something for some one else to have power over you. To mislead you into believing none sense, rather then the reality of just how the world and the universe works. That to me is lying.

Now, I am a very vocal Atheist and if a religious person was to question me about this, I would not with hold anything. I am not shy about it either, I say I am an Atheist without seconded thought, like telling someone my name. Once you make your stand and not let the religious push you around, they tend to leave you alone. But you have to have the fortitude to do so, it's not as scary as you might think.

So come out and stay out.

"Gods don't kill people, people with Gods kill people."

From fundy to freethinker

2008-01-02T10:21:00.000-08:00

(Via Kathleen)

I grew up in the northeastern U.S. and my parents converted to a fundamentalist sect of Christianity when I was about five. Heavily indoctrinated from an early age, I thought I too was saved and heaven bound. I was so intense as a young child that I proudly became the youngest child to be Baptized in my church, at the age of 7. It wasn't easy to convince the pastor that I understood the Christian teachings and wanted to demonstrate my public admission of faith by Baptism.

As I grew into a teen, I remained faithful but not as involved with my beliefs. Still, at the insistence of my parents, I spent my Sundays in church from early morning to late evening. It became quite a burden to a teen that had discovered more interesting things in the secular world. Despite this, I maintained my strong beliefs throughout my teen years.

When it was time to think about college, I was given the choice of attending one of several conservative Christian colleges. I don't remember why I chose Gordon College in Wenham, Ma. but it was during those early days in school that I suddenly realized my childhood religion was not only disturbing but quite a fantastic stretch of reality. Oddly enough being indoctrinated constantly helped me see how incredible the Christian claims were when compared to the lack of evidence. I left college after a brief illness during the second semester an ultra liberal Christian with agnostic leanings. The truth is after losing my faith, I could barely stand being in an atmosphere that stifled freethought.

During the next decade, I returned to school, survived a nine year unhappy marriage, gave birth to my only son and eventually became a professional registered nurse. I continued to seek and investigate religion with the attitude that my search would lead me to the truth. I was an agnostic with theistic leanings during this time. One day when I was about 28, I had what can only be described as a moment of enlightenment. I suddenly realized that my search for God had been in vain as there is nothing supernatural about the universe. I felt both relief and peace. That was thirty years ago and I continue to live a happy god free life.

I've always been very open and usually pleasant about my atheism at work and among theistic friends. I have no desire to convert or debate as I believe it's best to allow and encourage people to investigate truth for themselves, while answering questions honestly. I am currently enjoying 28 years of a happy marriage to a fellow atheist and am involved in several organized atheist groups. These groups have helped me feel far less isolated living in the heart of southern U.S. In fact, I often forget that I live in a place heavily populated by the same type of people that I knew at my childhood church.

I don't regret my childhood experiences. They have only made me stronger and more perhaps more tolerant towards those that still believe. I've tried the aggressive atheist persona but it's not who I am. I'm much happier and effective as the tolerant atheist who tries to be an example of how morally positive and satisfying life can be without religion.

Charles' Story

2007-12-26T10:31:00.000-08:00

I was raised as a Christian, but never really felt a "relationship with god". I basically ignored my own faith for a while, but never thought about giving it up. Then I began dating a girl my sophomore year, and she happened to be pretty serious about religion. One day she was telling me about her church experience, and brought up speaking in tongues. Now, I had grown up in a relatively moderate church, and tongues had never even been mentioned. So my first thought was, "that sounds like a cult activity". So I began thinking, and realized that large organized religions are indeed nothing more than overgrown and somewhat domesticated cults. It took me about 3 weeks of confusion to come to that, but I can proudly say I did so by the power of my own mind, without even reading any of the wonderful books available, such as the End of Faith or The God Delusion. I read those months later, and of course my atheism was strengthened. I live a happier life now, knowing I only have a short time on Earth to positively affect it.

A Godless Life

2007-12-19T16:57:00.000-08:00

(Via Christ Davis)

I have been atheist my entire life, as far as I can tell. I remember in Sunday school when I was six or seven, being more interested in the pronunciation of the multi-syllabic names. I also remembering that the books I was reading from the library were better written. My mom had been teaching me words since I was about ten days old ( really, only a slight exaggeration ), so I guess the see-spot-run level indoctrination was transparent. In any case, by the time I was eight years old I was allowed to opt out of that, although we still attended services every week for political reasons having to do with my Father’s job aspirations. All I was expected to do was stay awake; my mind was always far away.

Over the years I was pestered by various entities who had possession of my case file to attend the church of their choosing, mandatorily. If I asserted that I had no religious beliefs I received a stock-issue look of bafflement. The annoyance of hearing regularly that “of course you have to choose a religious denomination, it’s for your own good” from the pig-ignorant sociopaths that controlled my existence was only exceeded by my anger over their refusal to allow me access to books worth reading. They certainly facilitated my rapid flight into the sub-basement of my mind, where I remained, pissed off, for entirely too long. Bastards.

I have to say that I have known quite a few religious folk over the years who were decent, sweet and kind to me. I spent a significant amount of time at a Catholic Worker soup kitchen in California, which was run by a group comprised of Jews, Buddhists, various flavors of Christians and many uncategorizable malcontents and nutjobs. I never had to fear proselytizing from anyone, except the anarchists.

Since 1998 I have been closely associated with A.A., but these days I do not have to sit still for any earbanging from evangelists. I have been around long enough to establish my bona fides. I live in a relatively small city, of which the recovery community is an insular fraction. Mostly, people don’t care about my atheism; Some get this pitiful scared look on their faces, if they don’t know me well. Some get angry because I am undercutting the absolutism of their interpretation of A.A.

I have read many, many books on religion and atheism. I have another on order now. Through all of these books, and the sometimes contentious, stimulating conversations I have had with people I have never been able to understand why anyone could believe in any of the gods they were loyal to. This bafflement I expect to continue. I get the need for community and ties to like minded people, and to an overarching philosophy, but gods, well I don’t know…

Thanks for your attention. Or, perhaps, Wake Up!

Journey of an Atheist

2007-12-17T09:07:00.000-08:00

(Via vjack, Part I)

I've really enjoyed reading personal accounts from several atheist bloggers about their journey from religion to atheism (e.g., Steve Wild at Dailyspeech.net), so I figured it was time to share mine. If nothing else, it will be a good excuse for some self reflection around how I came to believe what I do.

I was raised in the Methodist church by parents who were not particularly religious but who thought that it would somehow be good for me to be exposed to religion. They also attended church for the social networking, but the primary reason was that they wanted their child exposed to it.

My earliest memories of religion involved fear. Like our primitive ancestors, I was afraid of the unknown. As a young child, just about everything is unknown. Added to this, I was a bit more neurotic than most. I prayed because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't. Nobody really threatened me with hellfire and damnation; it was just the idea that if there was this invisible man in the sky with all these amazing powers, I better not disappoint him. My prayers were never about asking for crap I wanted and almost always attempts to prevent bad things from happening.

Entering public school (on the West Coast) exposed me to a couple of new ideas. First, I learned that religion was something that was considered private. One did not generally discuss it or hear about it at school. This was very different from experiences I would have later in Mississippi, and it set me up to believe that everyone would regard religion as a rather personal matter. Second, despite the rather private nature of religion, the children generally assumed that everyone was Christian. This type of Christianity in no way resembled the evangelical freaks I would encounter later, but there was surprise and sometimes ridicule for the children who did not identify as Christian. Subtle as it was, the expectation that everyone would fit in did include religion. I had friends of all different Christian denominations (including Mormons), but religion was almost never discussed.

Church was a formal, stuffy affair where children were expected to behave themselves. At this particular church, young children were dismissed mid-way through the service and before the actual sermon to go to Sunday school in another building. I guess the adults realized that we weren't going to understand the sermon (they were right about this). We were always relieved when it was time to exit the sanctuary and head off to Sunday school. I remember very little about Sunday school except that it involved a lot of singing, was always more focused on the younger children, and that I was happy when it was over.

(Via vjack Part II)

During my junior high years, my attitudes toward religion began to shift as a result of several factors. First, as my self-confidence gradually improved, I found myself praying less frequently. Since my primary motivation for prayer as a young child related to anxiety, it is not surprising that prayer ceased to be relevant as anxiety was no longer problematic. Second, my classmates increasingly viewed religion and religious persons as worthy of ridicule. Being "bad" was cool, and being a church-going "goody-two-shoes" was not. Cigarettes, heavy metal, and MTV became part of the context. Third, I became increasingly bored with church. Every Sunday I tried to think of creative ways to be permitted to skip church. Although I could tell that my father would have preferred to stay home and watch football, my mother continued to insist that it was good for us.

My boredom with church gradually turned to intense dislike and eventually hatred. It was completely irrelevant to my life. When I forced myself to pay attention, I noticed one contradiction after another. I looked around and found myself wondering why the people in the room didn't seem to live their lives in accordance with what they supposedly believed. What hypocrisy! Sunday mornings brought frequent arguments with my parents, as I was no longer afraid to criticize what I saw as a major waste of time. Somewhere around the end of junior high and beginning of high school, my parents finally decided that I was old enough to refuse church if I chose to do so. I would go willingly on Christmas eve, Easter, etc. but that was plenty.

The culture of high school was similar to junior high (i.e., excessively religious kids were often the butt of jokes), but there was an important difference. For the first time, I was exposed to evangelical Christianity (e.g., "Don't bother to ask her out - she's one of those Bible thumpers."). I had a close friend during this time whose parents were both pastors at an evangelical church. While he was anything but religious, he was required to attend a church where speaking in tongues was common. His parents would later burn his heavy metal record collection, conduct a full-blown exorcism over him while several parishioners held him down, and eventually throw him out of their house.

By this time, I had discovered politics, science, and philosophy. As I found myself in agreement with my parents' moderately liberal politics and was excited by learning about world history, science, and philosophy, religion transformed from a well-intentioned waste of time to something much more sinister. Faith demanded blind acceptance of things which had been disproved by science. History demonstrated countless atrocities committed in the name of religion. Philosophy showed that morality need not derive from religion. Perhaps most significantly at the time, my increased exposure to politics convinced me that the overwhelming majority of people who called themselves Christian were hypocrites because any true Christian would be a strong advocate for social welfare and would oppose the greed of big business (this was happening in the Reagan years).

(Via vjack, Part III)

As high school graduation neared, I found myself becoming more liberal than my parents on most issues (e.g., I supported the legalization of drugs, animal rights, and became quite concerned about the environment). I saw no use for religion, but my feelings toward it were considerably less hostile than they had been previously. I saw it more as a waste of time than a destructive force. My feelings toward most believers could be described as a mixture of pity and disdain.

Under the guidance of my parents and a few influential high school teachers whom I trusted, my college application process focused on private liberal arts colleges. I had the grades to get in, and my grandparents were willing to help considerably with the expenses to fund what they saw as a superior education. I was in complete agreement with everyone advising me that a small liberal arts college offered too many advantages to pass up (e.g., small class sizes, an opportunity to work closely with faculty, higher academic standards than state schools, etc.). The fact that all the liberal arts colleges I was considering were religious institutions did not bother me because all the ones I applied to played down their religious origins and emphasized the quality of the education they provided.

I ended up at a liberal arts college in the Pacific Northwest with a student body of approximately 4,500. The influence of religion turned out to be something of a paradox. Most of the faculty were either openly atheistic or so quiet about their religion that one could not guess what they might believe. The students were another matter entirely. I would say that approximately 50% of the student body were conservative Christians. Still, conservative Christians in the Northwest are nothing like those in the Midwest and Southeast. They had no interest in converting anyone; they just preferred to hang out with their own kind.

Academically, I was drawn to psychology, philosophy, and law. The pre-law program was fairly weak, so I ended up majoring in psychology and minoring in philosophy. I absolutely loved the liberal arts perspective of encouraging students to expose themselves to a wide variety of subjects. I took courses in biology, anthropology, art, and even religion (Christianity and Buddhism). Outside of my major, my favorite courses by far were the philosophy of religion, a survey of Buddhism, and an advanced philosophy seminar on identity and the nature of persons.

After reading Bertrand Russell, I fully embraced atheism and was quite open about this during at least 3 of my 4 years in college. I regularly debated Christian students, wrote most of my philosophy papers on the flaws of religious arguments, and had several great discussions with peers and faculty on the subject. I felt truly alive during this time and experienced virtually no meaningful consequences from my openness with atheism. There were plenty of rational students around, and my circle of friends was large.

In retrospect, the lack of consequences for being so open seems surprising. Of course, the culture of the Pacific Northwest is extremely different than where I live now in Mississippi. But I don't think that this was the only factor. My mindset at the time was very different than it is now - much more idealistic and carefree. I suppose it would be accurate to say that any rejection I may have encountered due to my atheism simply rolled off my back so that I barely noticed it. If someone didn't like my viewpoint, that was their problem, and I never dwelled on it. I guess you could say that I felt much more comfortable in my own skin then than I do now. But that will have to wait for the next part of this series.

(Via vjack, Part IV)

Where the third part of this series left off, I had graduated from high school and entered a private liberal arts university in the Pacific Northwest. Attending this particular Christian university turned out to be exactly what I needed. As I described in my previous post in this series, I received an outstanding secular education in this context, studied Christianity from both a theological and philosophical position, and honed my critical thinking and debate skills. I read Hobbes, Hume, Kant, Thoreau, Freud, and of course, Bertrand Russell. It was Russell's excellent Why I Am Not a Christian: And Other Essays on Religion and Related Subjects that gave me permission to fully reject Christianity and helped me understand that I was certainly not the first to do so. By the conclusion of college, I was openly atheistic and experiencing the joy of finally breaking free of religious indoctrination.

I graduated with a B.S. in psychology and acceptance to a Ph.D. program (also in psychology) in the central U.S. Since I knew I wanted to go the distance for the Ph.D., I saw no reason to wait. I left for the graduate school the summer after graduation. In retrospect, it might not have hurt me to do a bit more growing up before beginning graduate school, but I felt like I needed to capitalize on the momentum I had built up in college and keep going while my motivation was high.

I would not be exaggerating to say that nearly everything about my new graduate program was a shock. My life changed so dramatically at that point that I would end up becoming a very different person than the one who had just completed college. Relevant to my purpose here, I will focus on only one aspect of the transition - my exposure to a very different view of religion than anything I had previously experienced.

The community in which I resided was much smaller and more conservative than the area I had left on the West Coast. Religion was still a rather private matter here, but it was certainly more prevalent. However, this shift was trivial compared with what I experienced in graduate school itself. Not only was I the only atheist among my peers, but I would soon learn a very difficult lesson about my chosen field of psychology which continues to affect me to this day.

An important part of my training involved multiculturalism. This is typical in the helping professions because programs are faced with preparing students who may have had rather limited experiences with diverse groups to competently provide services to members of these groups. To my amazement, religious belief was considered part of multiculturalism in the sense that perceived intolerance of religious beliefs was considered as unacceptable as human differences based on race, gender, or sexual orientation. For a more in depth discussion of multiculturalism, political correctness, and religion, see my previous posts on the subject.

As you can imagine, this put me in an excruciatingly difficult position. It was made clear to me that successful completion of the program would depend on my ability to keep my disbelief to myself. Trust of my peers became an issue, as I learned that statements I had made outside of school got back to a professor. Clearly, this was not a safe environment to be open about atheism. I became increasingly depressed, withdrawn, and distant. I convinced myself that this had to be a fluke of this program and couldn't possibly reflect the field as a whole. I was determined to soldier on, bury my atheism, and refocus my energies on my studies. I would succeed, but success would come at a price I am only just beginning to understand.

(Via vjack, Part V)

When Part IV left off, I was in graduate school and struggling to come to terms with a form of multiculturalism that insisted that religious belief was on the same level with race, gender, and sexual orientation. On one hand, I was told that I was being evaluated on my openness, willingness to self-disclose, and exploration of how my beliefs impacted my work with others. On the other hand, I learned that hard way that questioning someone's religious beliefs equated with criticism of someone's race - it was a a marker of serious intolerance. To survive this program, I would need to bury my atheism and profess respect for religious belief.

This bind was nearly intolerable at times. I vividly recall turning in "personal reflection" papers where we were supposed to discuss our racial, ethnic, gender, and religious identities. When I disclosed my atheism in one of these papers, it became the subject of intense class discussion. As the only atheist, I was expected to defend why I rejected religion without saying anything even mildly critical of religious belief! My peers seemed to think that my very presence in the program was a threat to their spiritual well-being. I became increasingly isolated. At least one professor penalized me for being intolerant because she felt that atheism was per se evidence of intolerance.

I made it through the program and completed my Ph.D. but not without lots of second thoughts about what I was doing and why. Looking back on it, I suppose I can almost see a valuable lesson about society's tolerance of atheism. As I moved to Mississippi for a job, I would be surrounded by Christian fundamentalists. Perhaps it was a good thing that I learned how to conceal my beliefs about religion and the importance of doing so.

Mississippi is by far the most conservative place I have ever lived (or even visited). Nothing I had previously experienced prepared me for the degree to which religion is part of public life. Within weeks of being here, I had been approached by complete strangers in the grocery store and at the gas station with some variation of, "Hi there! What church do you attend?" My ex-wife was repeatedly told by strangers that she was going to burn in hell after she indicated that she did not attend church. She was also subjected to mandatory prayer meetings at work and persistent invitations to attend church with her boss and his family. Our next door neighbor never spoke to me again after I politely told him that we did not attend church. I was invited to church by nearly every co-worker, secretary, pest control technician, and delivery person I encountered. I know this is hard to believe if you haven't been here, but I am really not exaggerating any of this this in the slightest.

I know full well that the obvious question is why I am still here. There are many days when I ask myself the same question. If it wasn't for loving my job, really liking some of the folks I work with, and the feeling that being settled (even in a place with many negatives) is better than the hassle of going through the academic job search and relocation processes again, I would have left long ago. Other perks include the winter weather, the cheap housing, and the small town atmosphere.

But if I am honest with myself, I suppose I must admit that another reason I'm still here is that I've made a lot of progress learning to become comfortable in my own skin, less concerned with what others think, and more willing to be true to myself even when it is unpopular. I've gained something intangible from struggling against Christian extremism while being in its heart. I'm not saying I don't still have a long way to go, but there has been movement, and I suppose that is what keeps me going.

My 'conversion' to atheism

2007-11-19T09:20:00.000-08:00

(Via askegg)

An Admission

2007-11-14T09:53:00.000-08:00

(Via Evan)

I am atheist.

Okay, so I know this comes as no surprise whatsoever to any of my friends. The point is, I've not said it before in a public forum. The reason is that I have hopes of running for political office at some point down the road but conventional wisdom holds that openly non-religious people cannot get elected to major office in the USA.

Doubtless there are atheist people in political office right now (with ~14% nonreligious in the country, and a higher proportion of atheist among the educated, statistics insist that some have even made it to Congress at some point), but they either lie about their beliefs or avoid talking about it.

At some point recently I decided that if I can't be honest and run, I'm not going to. So I felt like making a clear statement and getting it out of my system. Is that weird?

Anyway, there you have it: I limit my beliefs to those things that can be convincingly demonstrated through evidence and reason. In my opinion, the supernatural entities of all religions I am aware of (past and present) fail those tests. Therefore I believe them to be fictional and will retain that belief unless the weight of evidence and logic manages to convince me otherwise.

I'm not the sort of person who will put down others for their faith, but I also don't have much patience for people condescendingly telling me I am wrong, or that I am going to hell. My standards of evidence and reason are quite strong, and you are welcome to try to use them to convince me of my error. People have managed to convince me to switch beliefs before on other matters, so it's not even impossible.

The Making of an Atheist

2007-11-11T11:05:00.000-08:00

(Via David Yanez, 12-14-2003)

I’m writing this in response to several insinuations over the years that since I am an Atheist that I’m incapable of grasping how a spiritual person sees life and the bigger picture. Or that I’m incapable of grasping the idea that there exists something higher than myself or that there is something higher than man.

I’ve even been accused of being an Atheist just for the sake of being different.

Being an Atheist doesn’t mean one has abandoned their moral conscious or that they’ve lost the ability to feel compassion or wonder and amazement for life. Atheists are not unfeeling and single minded. The only difference between us is that you believe in a God and the Supernatural and I don’t plain and simple.

This is my attempt to shed some light on what makes an Atheist or should I say one Atheist tick and to give people a better understanding of who we are. It is also meant to give hope to people who are without hope and who are contemplating suicide and to people who are having doubts about there spiritual beliefs and don’t know where to turn to.

What do you do after being raised to believe in something wholeheartedly from the time of your birth, only to have that belief ripped from your heart and your mind by your own self, because to continue to believe in it would be living a lie? How do you replace such a big void left by uninstalling a particular program in your mind, which to that day was an essential component to your development as a human being? I was raised like most people to believe that our lives were looked over and cared for if we believed without question and loved unconditionally a Supreme Being, which most cultures refer to as God. I was led to believe that this God had the power to grant us happiness if we led a good, just and compassionate life. I was led to believe that this God was the ultimate power that existed and should be feared as well as loved and adored, otherwise you’d be condemned to eternal misery by the same Just, Compassionate and all loving God. This belief was installed into my mind without any say on my part because I was just a baby without a choice. I was only a child, innocent, impressionable, and oblivious about life and the world around me. How could I know what was good for me or not. These beliefs are forced upon us all before we are old enough to determine on our own whether they are credible or not. This belief was as natural to me as walking and breathing. To see me as a child no one would ever question my beliefs in the Almighty or my spirituality. I was raised to be a respectful, just, compassionate, loving, forgiving and open minded person who would never harm another person or animal out of hate or self gain. These beliefs defined me as a human being, at least that’s what I thought or was lead to believe. How could billions of people be wrong? My beliefs were as much a part of me as an arm or a leg. How can one rip off their own arm or leg? Some people would say, “ Well, when your old enough to make your own decisions, you can believe what you want ” By then it’s too late for most people. Their minds have been made up for them. They’ve already been brain washed. Why should they change their beliefs? Their lives revolve around these beliefs. Are these beliefs in divinity and the supernatural inherent to mankind or are they popular ideas passed down through each new generation. Morality and ethical systems have evolved for thousands of years, granted religious beliefs have contributed to our ethical culture but do we now need to be religious or spiritual in order to be good, wise and moral people? Most people depend on these beliefs for comfort and morality even though deep down they have their doubts. They would rather live a lie than to rip out their religious beliefs. It takes a lot more than just lack of evidence and plenty of credible philosophical and scientific theories to abandon a belief system drilled into us for thousands of years. Some people are strong and secure enough to accept their doubts and make the transformation with out any trauma to their psyche. But for others it would take a traumatic experience to make them abandon this security blanket belief, as in my case.

As a child I needed to understand. I needed to understand the universe, but the fear of death kept me a loyal subject to God. I’d say my prayers every night, asking for protection, for my family and for myself. Occasionally I’d ask the questions, Why? Why God? What’s it all about? But like always there was never any answer. But I was loyal, because I loved my family and would say my prayers for God to protect them. I was loyal because that’s what my religion taught me: To love God no matter what. No matter if I couldn’t see him. No matter how bad things were in the world. No matter if he didn’t answer my prayers. I loved him because I feared him. I loved him because I feared death. But most of all I loved him because I loved my family more and he had the power to protect them. I refer to God as a he only for convenience and because that’s what I was led to believe at the time. I grew up depending on God to watch over me. In a sense my religion conditioned me not to depend on myself but to depend on God. God will provide. If you had a problem all you had to do was pray for his help. Religion taught me to be weak and dependant on a being that gets off on having people worship him. I was already shy and insecure. I have no doubt that my religious beliefs contributed to this. So many people depend and structure their lives around this belief that has never been proven to exist. Like so many people I was hooked, addicted, conditioned and dependant, on something called God to guide and direct my life. Like so many I had lost the ability to due for myself: To take charge of my own life: To make my own future. But when I was seventeen I hadn’t yet come to this realization and then Marguerite came along. She was everything I ever dreamed of. I was hooked. I was in love. I had found someone to love more than my family, more than myself, more than my God.

She was an artist like myself and incredibly intelligent, beautiful and full of life. She taught me to savor each new day because tomorrow may never come. She said an accident or catastrophe could strike us down at any moment. She was contemporary, open-minded, sensitive and compassionate. When I looked into her eyes I could see so much more than just her big brown eyes. I could see her mind her consciousness that which made her unique in this world and I was in love. I had put her up on a pedestal and didn’t know how to tell her how much I loved her. My shyness and insecurity kept me at a distance. As much as I loved her, I feared the thought of being rejected by her even more.

My shyness is most likely genetic but my insecurity is environmental and cultural in the making. My insecurity was a product of the way my life unfolded. I had no power to control the way my life would unfold. As people we can only direct our lives in a certain direction but we can’t control the outcome of our attempts. Until then through no fault of my own, my life had unfolded in a way that had left me shy and insecure. As much as I wanted to change I didn’t know how. I asked God repeatedly to give me the strength to tell Marguerite how I felt about her. We had developed a good friendship and I was afraid of losing it by telling her how I felt. As high school graduation came closer and closer I practiced in my mind how I would tell her: How I would ask her out. It was so easy in my mind or in front of a mirror, but in person I froze. I would come so close to asking her out or telling her how beautiful she was, but that was as close as I would get. And I grew to hate myself for it. Why couldn’t I be more of a man I told myself? What am I afraid of? Please God, I would beg, Please God give me the strength to tell her, I’ll never ask anything of you ever again, please don’t let me lose her I would say. The thought or option of our remaining good friends after graduation never even crossed my mind. I was blinded by love. I wish I had seen the option of a continued friendship, but that’s not the way my life would unfold.

Looking back and carefully examining why I was so insecure was probably a result of having been discriminated against throughout my childhood. I guess I was just too sensitive. So many years of defending myself and my family from bigots had made me strong and defensive but had also taken its toll on me in the form of this insecurity. Perhaps subconsciously I didn’t want her to find out who I really was, or who my low self-esteemed mind thought I was at the time. Perhaps subconsciously I didn’t want her to see my true self, complete with a closet full of bad memories, pain, loneliness, embarrassment and insecurity. As High School graduation approached my mind became more and more fragile, hoping for an intervention from God. Please God, please, would ripple through my mind, please help me to tell her that I love her, please. Graduation came and went and Marguerite had become my biggest regret. It would have been so easy to just say; “Marguerite, can we keep in touch after high school?” But my blinded love and new hate for myself let her go with out even trying. She’s better off without me I convinced myself. She was so beautiful and smart and perfect in my eyes, how could she ever love me back, and then she was gone. In the years that followed I did make attempts to befriend her again but that overwhelming sense of insecurity had so much control over my mind that I failed miserably in my attempts. She had become my biggest regret but in the long run had become that which set me free. Free to think for myself and place my destiny in my own hands. I thank everyday that our lives had crossed because I don’t know if I would have had the courage to free myself if not for her coming into my life.

After High School graduation the pain that followed would be unmatched to this day. The pain that followed would change my life forever. How could you do this to me God? I said to myself. I loved you all my life God. Why are you punishing me so? Why God? Why? What did I do? I loved her! I loved her with all my heart! These thoughts and pain raced through my heart and mind until I couldn’t stand it any longer. All I wanted was for the pain to end, even if it was with my own hands. How else could I make the pain stop I asked myself? Death was the only answer, Suicide. I didn’t want to live any more. I hated my life. But most of all I hated God. And with a desperate attempt to gain control of my life again, I reached into my heart and mind and ripped out every trace of my God. I cursed him without fear. I cursed him for my loss. I cursed him for my life. But most of all, I cursed him through my ignorance.

As time went on my hatred subsided. How could I hate something that doesn’t exist? If I continued to blame God, then I would be acknowledging that he does exist, so I stopped the blame and stopped believing in this fictional being which had so much control over my life. Now I was a person without religion. I certainly wasn’t going to continue to call myself a Catholic. Although I stopped believing in God, for a while I still held on to the notion that we had souls and that they survived after our deaths. It was hard to let go of that last bit of fear. That’s what it had to be, the fear of death and the need to survive it. Science, Philosophy and the quest for knowledge helped fill the void left from my lack of religion. Bertrand Russell finally put an end to my belief in a soul that survives our death. I soon replaced the soul with the mind and later with the heart mind. I continued to be shy and insecure but at least I survived one of the causes. I survived Religion, but would I survive Nature and its unpredictability? Could I survive the damage Nature has already inflicted upon me? Or the Damage I have inflicted upon myself. Could I be content with just living for the sake of living? Could I just watch as Nature unfolded the Human saga? How could I be content when so many were not? So much suffering, not enough justice. Why? What’s it all about? I needed to know. I needed to know the big picture. Was there a big picture? I needed to understand Why? How? And for What purpose?

We as human beings have been asking questions from the beginning. We are bewildered at the site of something we cannot explain and when we cannot explain something we have the habit of placing it in a category outside the Natural World. Our primitive ancestors could only imagine the real workings of Nature and were amazed and frightened at the same time. Our ancestors were at a threshold in our development as a species. For the first time we came together as a species and tried to explain the inexplicable and in the process had created something unique to our species, the need to be Enlightened and Culture, unlike anything we’ve seen in the Natural world before.

At some point in time, ancient man made the transition from mere existence to intellectual curiosity about his origins. At some point in our development as human beings we developed a primitive sense of good and evil, right from wrong, concepts that we’re still developing. We inherited our emotions, from our animal ancestors. It has been observed in the animal kingdom that higher animals mourn and show grief after a close relative or mate passes away. I believe emotions played a vital role in the development of our intellectual curiosity about our own origins. They laid the foundations for our primitive religious beliefs. I believe emotions, intuition and or traumatic emotional experiences have been catalysts for some of the most intellectual leaps in mankind. Even a chimpanzee has a primitive sense of right from wrong, compassion, good and bad. I don’t know when animals made the transition from instinctual behavior to having emotions. I don’t know whether an insect avoids a praying mantis out of instinct or fear, probably instinct. But a dog definitely runs from a vicious larger dog out of fear. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to notice that. Emotions especially fear, have helped us survive by keeping us away from life threatening situations. Isn’t it possible that grief and or a depressed state of mind or loss of a loved one could have triggered an ancient mans mind to ponder about his existence or role in this Universe?

Ancient man also took the notion of destruction, which occurs naturally in Nature and associated it with man. Man had become a destructive force. We had the capability to be destructive to the enemy, which was a good thing for ones tribe, but when we killed one of our own for no good reason then destruction took on a new meaning, we called it Murder, and the act Evil. Murder with out good cause became the origin of evil. Murder as we describe it has been observed in the animal kingdom as well. Chimpanzees have been observed to murder other chimpanzees for no good reason other than they were from a different clan. We call this behavior evil because we as intelligent beings need to put a face on deliberate destruction but its actually just another name for destruction, which has been around from the beginning of time. It’s woven into the fabric of the Universe and is as much a part of Nature as is the need to exist. We’ve used the term “Nature is cruel and relentless” to describe it but in actuality it’s not cruel or relentless, they are only human words that describe its destructive aspects.

In the beginning, religious or spiritual thoughts were just questions in need of answers. Ancient man philosophized about Nature and our role within it. We were passionate about our interpretations of it, which became our beliefs about Nature and its inner workings and our place within it. We were for a while in harmony with Nature or should I say considered ourselves part of the Nature World. We held respect for the animals that we hunted and held respect for the mighty forces of Nature as well. But eventually as our cultures evolved so did our emotional minds. Our levels of emotional capacities had reached our present day capabilities. Our intelligence was at its peak and we understood what we were feeling. Of all the emotions we are capable of, Love and Fear are the principle emotions that jumpstarted our search for the Spiritual. Love and Fear had caused us to shift our beliefs away from the Natural World and into a Spiritual one. Nature could no longer give us the answers we hoped were true. It could not console our griefs nor could it dispel our fears, but only add too them the more we were confronted by it. We had grown to cherish our loved ones and couldn’t stand the thought of losing them forever. We could not accept death as our final conclusion. Love was too strong a bond to let go of our loved ones and Fear too strong to let death be the end of us. We were intelligent, conscious, loving and compassionate beings, how could the Natural world be all that is? We asked ourselves. We must have thought that since man was superior to all the other animals then he must be governed by and would suffer the fate of a Superior Nature, The Super Natural.

Our quest for the spiritual is an admirable one but let us not forget why we search for it. Let us not forget that Love and or fear were the roots of our spiritual beliefs.

Love is a feeling an emotion so much a part of who we are that without it we would be lost and vulnerable as a species. It’s as much a part of us as our arms or legs. We love instinctually and desire it wholeheartedly. Love can maintain, transform, and or end ones life. Love is by far the most powerful human and animal emotion that has ever evolved. It has been and continues to be the key to our survival.

Love is just one of many natural emotions that we inherited from our animal ancestors which has helped us survive and evolve as human beings. Without it compassion would not have evolved. Mates that love one another are more likely to survive than those who don’t, because they look out for, care for, protect one another and in some cases give their lives for one another. Children whose parents feel genuine love for them are more likely to survive than those who are not loved by their parents. A form of love also exists in the animal world although some might argue in its more primitive state. An adolescent chimpanzee was so despondent by the death of his mother that he fell into a deep depression and died a month later lethargic and weak. A mother bear will risk her life to defend her cubs from a strange and aggressive male bear. A mother Elephant risked being drowned by mighty floodwaters in a desperate attempt to save her calf caught in a torrential current of floodwaters. Most mothers in the animal kingdom will risk their lives in order to save their offspring. Scientist will say that’s a purely instinctual behavior that animals evolved. They will say that animals protect their offspring because it’s an instinct that has helped them survive. It’s obvious that these behaviors are the roots of the emotion we call love. What about compassion? What advantage is it for a mother rat to adopt newly born kittens and bird chicks? Or for pigs to adopt newly born puppies? What advantage is it to spare the lives of your enemy? And or turn the other cheek when struck? Emotions like love, hate, fear, sadness, compassion, desire, jealousy, etc… have evolved for millions of years, as have biology and culture. They are the reasons we are still alive today and are the key to our future survival. You cannot ignore that animals feel emotions. To what extent we don’t know. We’ve inherited our physical traits as well as our mental and emotional traits from our animal ancestors. We’re not that far above the animal kingdom, we’re only a few genes apart. We’re only two genes apart from a chimpanzee. Just because we’re capable of love and compassion doesn’t mean that we couldn’t have inherited these emotions from our animal ancestors or that they don’t possess these emotions themselves. We are not above Nature. We are part of Nature. Nature is within us. Scientists and people of faith who can’t see this are prejudiced by their own belief that humans are superior or above Nature. Until we accept our humble origins and put our selves back in the Natural World, Intellectual, Social, Cultural and individual progress will be slow coming. Love is not what makes us Human. Love is what makes us Humane.

Our search for the spiritual began with curiosity, which is common in higher animals but with man curiosity lead to a search for knowledge and understanding of the Natural World and ourselves. This knowledge helped us survive in a world full of dangerous and sometimes inhabitable environments. With our new found knowledge also came emotional and cultural awareness, which laid the foundations for our spiritual search. The religious systems and spiritual beliefs and practices that followed, brought man together as a species and has helped us survive and evolve into beings capable of living in huge cities. With all these people living together, cooperating and sharing with one another, the individual gave way to the whole, to the survival of mankind. Although most of us tend to live as individuals and guide our lives for our own purposes and for the ones we love, we are not aware that we are contributing to a larger being. Each new generation adds unwittingly to the larger organism called the Human Race. Our Culture has evolved into a survival mechanism. It’s a glue which holds individuals and communities together. It’s many cultures contributing, changing, and sometimes damaging the bigger Culture of the Human Race, which in turn may ultimately contribute to the Culture of Intelligent beings throughout the Universe.

Environmental conditions, genetic variety, big brain size, Intelligence, knowledge, emotional awareness, spiritual quest, the Human Race, have all contributed and will continue to contribute to the larger picture. Not to Heaven or Hell, nor a supernatural existence but the one true existence which we are all a part of, Nature. Nature is not a religion or a spiritual belief; Nature is all that exists and that which does not exist. Nature is this Universe or Universes and everything within it. Physical laws, gravity, parallel universes, multiple dimensions, dark matter, empty space, dark energy, unexplainable phenomenons are all part of this existence which is the Natural World. I believe everything evolved from one initial chaotic vibration of harmonious Nonexistence or Nothing. Even if this Universe is part of a chain of evolving universes or if it’s one of billions of other universes, they all evolved from the one initial chaotic vibration. How? Chaos theory comes to mind. The concept of Nothingness or Nonexistence has been around for thousands of years. It’s a concept which most people find hard to imagine and almost impossible to explain. It’s the opposite of existence. The question whether true Nothingness has or can ever exist will most likely never be answered but with a little imagination one can imagine it. Can you remember what you were in the time before you were born? Nothing. You’ll be the same when you die, Nothing. Your atoms existed before you were born and will continue to exist after your death but that which makes you a conscious living being will be gone. You will cease to exist. Close your eyes and imagine a solitude so vast, black and eternal. Without light sound or cold. Without anything that we know in existence. Without energy or matter. Take away all, which exists, and that which existed in the past. Take away the cosmos. Take away your mind and the consciousness of the world. Take away the concept of solitude, which cannot exist in the infinite void of nothingness. Nothing, absolutely nothing, no Gods no Demons no Supernatural. Imagine a time before time without time. There are no equations that can describe it. No words no pictures. We can only assign it certain characteristics in order for our minds to imagine it. Let’s assign Nothingness the characteristics of a System. It’s the most basic, simple, homogenous and deterministic of all systems. Chaos theory says that any system can undergo an instant of chaos, or behave chaotically. Anything that is deterministic can behave chaotically. It’s deterministic in that it is and will always be nothing. An infinite void of nothingness with no size, shape, mass, time or dimensions, a perfectly smooth consistently empty expanse, infinitely small and infinitely large, unable to resist loses control to Chaos. Why? Why not? There is no answer to Why? It just is.

Mine is not a spiritual belief but an educated guess, a gut feeling, an intuition. Similar to Super String Theory but with no single unified equation that explains it all, rather chaotic and uncertain and unpredictable. You cannot predict Chaos, you can only make calculated predictions as to how it might or might not unfold in the future. This initial vibration was chaotic and inhomogeneous and interacted with itself. No longer was their nonexistence, but that which exists, that which vibrates. An instant of Chaos was the catalyst for existence. When Nothing shook, it took on form and dimension, even multiple dimensions. Vibrating space-time had come into existence. From the interaction of these vibrations in this primitive space-time came a variety of vibrations and frequencies interacting violently with one another coming together with the help of a primitive or early form of gravity. Collapsing in on its self, vibrations colliding, merging and creating energy. No longer able to resist gravity, collapses into a singularity and explodes into the Big Bang. Individual particles were formed from energy made of vibrations coming together possibly by quantum gravity. Particles that were close to one another distorted Space and let gravity bring them closer, joining them, creating the atom. Countless numbers of atoms coming together so densely packed fused with one another to form stars and heat and light and the elements, exploding and coming together again. Elements came together with the help of gravity to form communities of elements called molecules. Molecules came together again with the help of gravity to form dust and planets and continued to come together to form DNA and cells. Things that came together formed more complicated things. Chaos gave way to order, which gave way to complexity, which gave way to variety. Cells came together to form organisms of cells or communities of cells, which became life forms, which became a variety of life forms. Life forms became species, which came together to form communities of species. Within these complex communities of species arose intelligence and self-awareness. For the first time Nature could experience its own existence. Owing its continued existence to the coming together of its parts from one beginning, from one seed, evolving into everything there is. We are one and interconnected with everything that exists. We all have the same ancestors and the same beginnings. We come from the same seed. We are intelligent individual beings that are part of a much bigger existence. We owe it to our selves and to Nature to work together like the atoms and cells in our bodies do for us. We as intelligent beings need to come together and work towards the benefit of the whole in order for the individual to be possible. As individuals we need to remain true to our individuality while belonging to a community, in doing so the community will synthesize our contributions. Nature encourages the coming together of its parts as it does variety and individuality, which are catalysts for change and adaptability in order to ensure its survival. It’s not intelligent but rather an existence, which has evolved from the some of its parts working together. Other failed Universes in which its parts didn’t come together due to slight differences in size or energy or temperatures were unable to produce stars and atoms and life and just faded away into the vast expanse of empty space.

In Nature no amount of science, religion, philosophy or equations can predict exactly in which direction the individual branches of a tree will grow or whether the tree as a whole will grow in a usual healthy manner. Neither can we predict exactly the way our Universe and our lives will unfold. We can trace our existence back to a single seed like the tree but we can’t predict exactly how that seed will unfold or whether it will survive. With Unification theory, Scientists think that they will be able to predict all that is if they find the one unifying equation. While I think it is an admirable attempt, and much new knowledge will come from it in the future, it likens itself to the quest for the spiritual. It’s a quest for answers, which we want and hope to be true rather than answers that are true, which is what science and philosophy are about. Ultimately we may not understand everything, but we can sure give it a try. Our destiny is not made up for us. We can only direct our lives in a certain direction but we cannot control the outcomes of our attempts. Neither unified physical theory nor ultimate spiritual belief can change the fact that we exist now in the present. They can only be a guide as to how we live now and in the future.

Do we now need to be religious or spiritual in order to be good, wise and moral people?
In the past religions were responsible for instilling morality and codes of conduct on us. Since then Educational systems have evolved in order to teach our children how to survive in the natural world and how to be productive in and tolerated by our society, which is the human world. Laws have evolved in order to enforce codes of conduct, moral and ethical, accepted by the majority and should continue to evolve in order to protect the rights of the individual and the society as a whole. Governments controlled by the majority and not the few and powerful should provide security to all its people by enforcing the laws and should attempt to implement means by which its people can enjoy personal freedom, health, education and the quest for happiness without fear or oppression. It also has the obligation to preserve the Natural World in which we live and be care taker to all it’s inhabitants. Parents and Family should provide education, moral values, love and compassion that promote a healthy mind to develop into a good wise and moral person. Taoism had the right idea in that it showed us that there is a way. The way of Life is an unfolding journey through Nature or Existence with obstacles in our paths and that which will destroy us. We must now choose the right path the right way in order to ensure Natures survival.

For What purpose?

In order to exist and multiply so that future generations of living creatures, intelligent or not, also have the opportunity of enjoying and experiencing what it is to be alive and ultimately conscious. We must treat life as though it were the ultimate experience, not a supernatural life but this life, one full of the potential to be free and happy. The key word is potential. We are not born happy; we are born with the potential to be happy. We have to strive for it. For many, life is too hard or too painful to endure existence, they cannot enjoy life due to many circumstances natural or man made preventing them from doing so. We have a moral obligation to help all enjoy life and to be happy. Our lives have the potential to be Heaven or they have the potential to be Hell. To be alive and conscious is the closest we’ll ever get to Heaven but it can also be a living Hell. Knowing this, I still choose to live.

Yes, I am what the word Atheist means, in that I don’t believe a God or the Supernatural exists. I can’t prove there is no God and I don’t think I should have to disprove what there is no good evidence for. The burden of proof is on those who do believe. If believing in a Divine Creator or the Supernatural can make your life happy and fulfilled, then by all means continue to call yourselves spiritual, but don’t judge others harshly for not believing the same. There are no words that can describe how I feel about this wondrous existence, all I can hope is that these words come close. I’m not spiritual as the word is defined but I do feel a connection to and have a deep respect for everything in the Natural World and my Ethical standards are as high and perhaps higher than the standards of most. I’m not a saint nor am I wise or all knowing. I don’t seek to be different for the sake of being different. I have as many flaws as the rest of us, possibly more. I’ve loved and I’ve lost, I’ve desired and attained and lost again. I have given away and been given to. I’ve hurt and have been hurt. I’ve been idle and self-loathing, drunken and content, lonely and miserable, good and bad. I’ve been sorry and have been forgiven. I’ve been wronged and have forgiven. I’ve been on the edge of insanity and have come close to losing that which I am. But of all the things I’ve been, I’ve never been completely without hope because my will to exist is stronger than all the pain I have ever experienced. When I was seventeen and abandoned my belief in God the only thing that kept me alive was Hope and my will to exist. As much as I loved Marguerite my life would go in a different direction and I had to adapt in order to survive. Since then I have fallen in love again. I loved my ex-wife more than I could imagine, much more than Marguerite and would also suffer the pain of losing her. Pain is a reminder to us all that our lives are headed in the wrong path or have experienced an obstacle in the road. Pain gives us hope that someday the pain will be gone and that we are still alive to feel it. Hope is what gives us strength. Hope is not Faith but an expectation or desire that things might get better if you try really hard to improve your situation and that those you love and your fellow man will be there to help you in your time of need. Hope gives us purpose and direction, to do in life what we could never do in death. To be open minded, compassionate, unselfish, forgiving, curious and loving. To exist, to live, to let live, to enjoy life and to care for those who can't enjoy life, to learn, to create and to contribute, to oppose oppression and fight injustices, to love and to be loved.

Don’t worry about were we go after our deaths but rather how we live this life and live it as though there were no other.

Until it's path is over run with obstacles too great for it to overcome,

A flame will burn everything in its path if only to exist a while longer:

As does the Universe burn the boundaries of nonexistence,

Until nonexistence finds its way in and slowly consumes the fire,

The expanding fire, from within and from without.

We live in the mist of an ancient battle between existence and nonexistence. We are one of the results of this battle. Without Nonexistence, there would be no Existence and without Existence, Nonexistence has no purpose. It’s this battle between these opposites, in which one destroys the other, which is the creator of us all. Destruction and Creation are intertwined with one another. It’s sad, but I believe it to be true. We must accept our personal inevitability and do everything in our power to prolong and enjoy our time and ensure that Life and Existence does not lose the battle.

Credo

2007-10-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

(Via A.)

I used to fret a lot about what to believe. How, given the multiplicity of belief systems and ideologies, could anyone possibly make any sense of it all? How could you decide? Everyone argued the same facts differently or presented a different set of facts or reasons justifying their position, and I, stuck in the middle, didn't know what to think. Ultimately, I felt doomed to having either no opinion at all, just picking a convenient belief system and sticking to it out of sheer stubbornness, or spending the rest of my life flip-flopping without any rhyme or reason. Oddly enough, I convinced myself that I was okay with that. After all, "a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds," right? Why not content myself with that and stand wherever I happen to fall at the moment?

This didn't satisfy me though. I felt there had to be a basis for believing what you believed. I felt there needed to be some fixed criteria at least for believing what you believed at any given moment even if the contents of your beliefs changed over time. But what?

It took about a year of therapy and some reading suggested to me by a colleague, but eventually I found the answer. It started out as a small hint. Something I picked up in a book and some articles I read. I didn't particularly like the consequences of this new approach when I thought about it, but the idea intrigued and fascinated me beyond the point that I could ignore it. Frankly, it scared me, because I knew it would change who I am and how people saw me. Yet, at the same time, I felt I had to try it out. As I look back now, I'm almost embarrassed at how obvious the answer turned out to be.

Quite simply, I decided I would no longer believe anything for which no evidence existed. What's more, I would no longer build my life around any ideas or beliefs that could not be supported by evidence. Rather, I would rely on myself, my intellect, and what I could see, feel, taste, touch, and justify through reason.

It hasn't been easy. I've experienced some guilt, and I still struggle to avoid old ways of thinking. And, to be frank, I've been so shy about coming out of the closet that I even still attend mass. But even if I'm sitting in the church pews listening to a sermon, I think to myself, "Do I really believe that?" Sure, I may think the priest has made a good point about morality, but the supernatural gobbledygook sounds just plain silly to me. I take whatever I find useful from a few different religious traditions, but I don't buy into it all. I find practical value in the community and thinking about the fact that there are more important things in life than what our consumer culture preaches, but I don't believe any of those things come from a supreme being or from any kind of supernatural order. I do or believe certain things because they work, not because the imaginary "Big Guy Upstairs" expects it of me.

Furthermore, I refuse to believe that a supposedly kind, merciful, and loving god would insist that anyone refrain from using their intelligence. That a god who cared about people would be so emotionally manipulative as to author or inspire scripture that the evidence clearly contradicts simply to test us. And, failing that test, he will send us to hell. That seems cruel and manipulative. If a person did that to their own child, we would call that person a sadist. If a man did anything like that to his wife, we'd consider him an abuser. Yet religion tells us this is the basic modus operandi of a god who allegedly loves us.

Think about this. Most christian denominations consider it a sin to question their theology. Totalitarian governments do the exact same thing. Only instead of threatening you with jail or torture, religion threatens you with eternal damnation in the fires of hell if you refuse to tow the party line. That's not hope, charity or love, folks. That's manipulation and cruelty. When you raise a child that way you're basically using guilt to cripple a child's intellectual curiosity. I can say from first hand experience that it is very difficult to understand just how disturbing this kind of thinking is until you manage to step outside of it yourself. It's the stuff fascist dictatorships are made of.

I don't dislike religion or religious people. Actually, almost everyone I know and love practices religion in one way or another. I fact, I think religion can, in some ways, serve a useful function in society. While I'm not out to ruin anyone's Christmas dinner or anything, I refuse to let fuzzy thinking infect my brain or otherwise indiscriminately drink the Kool-Aid served up by organized religion. I stand on my own two feet, listen with my own two ears, and use the space in between to make up my own mind.

I believe that life came about through evolution. I believe the world started with the Big Bang. I think science can and will explain our existence on this planet, and relying on science and its methods is the best way to make decisions about our individual and collective lives. We are mature enough as a species to think for ourselves without resort to myths that purport to explain our origins and guide us into the future without the support of physical evidence. I believe the answers to life's big questions will be discovered through the scientific investigation of nature.

Cris' Story

2007-10-10T15:03:00.000-07:00

Unlike most of the stories I've read through here, I actually enjoyed going to church. I was brought up since I was a baby in church. God existed.

I went up to the alter to get saved during vacation Bible school at about the age of 9-10. I was baptized in an Assembly of God church at about 11-12. The 3-4 years I spent in this church represents my most "holy roller" period.

The Assembly of God church is one of the pentecostal "singing in tongues/dancing around/getting slain in the spirit kinds of churches. I can look back and see that my "evidences" for belief came from the psychological effects of the emotionalism in the services. We had a full band with electric guitars and drums, singers and sweaty crying preachers, we didn't bother with singing out of old fuddy duddy hymnals, we sang short "praise songs" with endlessly repeating choruses. In short: We were mesmerized by the rhythms and emotional appeals and that created at minimum, a meditative effect of euphoria, to at worst- virtual hysteria. To a bunch of good, god-fearing folks, these emotional effects were evidence of God's spirit being around us.

Everything that entered my senses was processed through the Christianity filter. If something didn't fit the system, then the old catch-all phrase "God works in mysterious ways" was applied and the offending bit was shuffled away to the back of my mind.

The only doubts I can remember during my youth were basically:

Why are there other religions?
Why do good people that are not Christian have to go to hell?
How does one know beyond a doubt that they got saved the "right way"?
Is there any way to loose salvation?

Now I also had a problem in that God simply never answered any of my prayers. I might have "felt better" or "had a feeling" or something like that but I never ever received an undeniable reply from a source beyond me. I do not include this in my doubts above because I thought this was my fault until I lost belief completely.

As for the contradictions in the Bible and theology- I could not see them. I literally had no idea that there were problems in the Bible. I was a "Cherry Picker" when it came to reading the Bible, I liked the New Testament in general for the happy lovey dovey parts and disliked the Old Testament because of the "begats" and wars and general harshness.

So fast forward a bit, after I left the AoG church, the strength of the emotional hold it had on me slowly faded. I moved to another state to live with my Mom. My Mom formulated her religious ideas through various ideologies and ideas she passed through or studied in the 1960's, and finally decided on her "own view" rather than attending or associating with any certain religion or church. This was a big difference for me as I had grown up in a completely Christian environment up till this time. I had access to her books on various religions and philosophy and this was literally the first time in my life when I had an opportunity to learn these things.

We went to church a handful of times but it was like experimenting, we went to Primitive Baptist churches mostly (the exact opposite of a pentecostal church including no musical instruments, old fashioned pews and shape-note singing).

Although most atheists will look at leaving one church or religion and jumping into another as pointless and silly, It had a good effect on me: I became more and more open to different ideas and philosophies and became less and less a fundamentalist to the point where my religion was worn down to practically nothing except for a vague belief in Christianity and God.

At this point I left religion and church completely and started playing in rock bands and trying drugs,etc. I "knew" I was a "back-slider" but I just didn't want to think about it anymore. I looked back at the old days and remembered all the great times in church back at my AoG church, but I also remembered how I came off that high during the week and I would end up miserably praying over and over and over (almost constantly at times) for God's help. I also remembered how depressed I would get on a regular basis and it always seemed to have something to do with religion or belief- So I simply turned that part of my life off for the next 10-15 years.

To wrap this up, about 2 years ago I was fooling around on the internet, looking for interesting things to read to pass some time, when by chance it popped into my head to search for the phrase "preacher turned atheist".

One of the first results that came back was the Freedom From Religion site, in particular the story of Dan Barker. I started a little guiltily reading some of the excerpts from his book on the site and there was a feeling of excitement that started building in me:
This guy not only asked the same questions I always had, but actually searched for the answers and found them. I had put religion on hold because my mind could not take it anymore, but it took the rise of the internet and the ability to study anything I wanted to know before I could actually give my mind some hard evidence and facts to smash all the wishy washy contradictory and confusing beliefs that had been unchallenged defaults since childhood.

Over a period of about 2-3 months I studied religions, philosophy, I went on Christian/atheist discussion forums and learned. My mind was like a vacuum , I could not get enough. So here it is two years later and I look back and realize that my problem with depressive episodes disappeared with religion. This is something "God" could never fix. Apparently "God" may have been the problem all along...

So here I am a non-believer, I've been pretty open with my Mom and a few close friends but pretty much anyone else has no idea of my "defection" I still go to church a few Sundays a month! (am I insane?) no, I just happen to like some of the people, I play in the church band, the pot-luck dinners. I will eventually stop going, but baby steps aye?

It'sTime

2007-10-02T15:49:00.000-07:00

(Via Poodles)

Sometimes memes can give you some motivation to write about something that should have been written a long time ago.

I think deconversion stories are important. I think they can be helpful to those rolling on the edge of atheism, scared or uncomfortable to take those last steps. The internet is a great tool for people looking for like minds and helpful information; I wish it had been around when I was reverting back to my birth state of atheism.

So, since I am “slow like that” sometimes, here is my story of losing religion.

I was born an atheist, in a catholic hospital here in Salt Lake City. Shortly thereafter I was taken to New York, where my family is from, to be baptized into the Catholic Church. I have godparents and all. My mom has never been baptized anything, my grandmother is a non practicing Episcopalian, and I don’t know what my father was. I grew up going to church with my Italian grandfather. I was a very good catholic. I went to church, I went to catechism, I studied hard, I passed my tests and I did my first communion. I sang in the choir (really I can’t sing, I kinda feel bad for them for that). I said my prayers every night “now I lay me...” and I paid the money my grandfather gave me to put in the basket.

During my youth, since my mom wasn’t stuck on one religion she let me go to Sunday school and church with my Mormon friends sometimes too. That was one religion I always found loony, but entertaining.

Around the time I was to start preparing for my confirmation I had mostly stopped going to church. Pretty much because I was too lazy to spend my Sunday doing that.

When I got to high school in the late 80’s I had a friend who began asking me about the Catholic Church. He became interested in converting to Catholicism and he wanted me to help him. I knew this meant I would need to get confirmed. I began that road, it included a lot of reading, including, finally the bible, cover to cover, not because the church wanted me to, they really didn’t, but because it was important to me. Somewhere along the way, I started reading the road signs. Not the big jesus billboards they want you to see, but the little sticks with the mile numbers on them. I finally had to tell my friend that I wouldn’t help him because I couldn’t be catholic any more, it didn’t make any rational sense.

I then began a search to find out who and what I was. I went to many churches and studied many different religious texts. Not a one of them struck me as “real”. I continued my journey on into college, pretty sure by this time I was an agnostic at least.

In my last years of high school and early college, I fell in with the “Goth” crowd. We went to the local “Goth” hang outs (The Ritz, The Palladium and others). There my journey took me on a tour of Wiccan. My best girlfriend is a witch. I have spoken of her here. In the end though I thought that crap too. My best guy friend is a gay return LDS missionary, nothing like a little diversity.

During college, part of my studies included history and how it related to theater. That got me turned on to studying how religion and history related to each other.

I finally got it.

I knew I was an atheist by this time, and I finally got why. It was like a huge light bulb had been turned on. I understood why we have religion and how it was once a necessary evil that helped people try to explain the unexplainable in the only way they knew, but that it was never real or true. Now though, we know how the sun rises and how earthquakes occur, I am still in awe at how religion is still so important in our society, and continues. Money and power perhaps.

I met my husband my last year of school. We met at a birthday party for a mutual friend. We had nothing in common, except we cared for each other. There were two things I had to be clear with him from the beginning if ours was a relationship that would work, I was an atheist and wouldn’t change that, and I didn’t want children and wouldn’t change that either, so if he had a problem with either of those he was barking up the wrong tree.

We got married in April 1996. It was important to him to get married in the Catholic Church (because it was important to his parents). I could pretend; (um, hello, theater major). Since I had once been baptized in the church it was pretty easy, surviving the weekend long marriage retreat at the nunnery was not. It involved a lot of eye rolling and tongue biting.

Then came the wedding. Every god promise that was made had my girlfriends in my line giggling; I still think I owe them for that.

Sometime after that I told my family what I was. I didn’t sit them down or anything, it just kind of “came up”. My grandmother still thinks that it isn’t possible to be an atheist because “everyone believes in god” and my grandfather is in denial. My mom doesn’t really give a rat’s ass. It just isn’t worth arguing about with them.

I am like most atheists I know, in person and online, we are good people. We pay our taxes, we take care of our families, we donate to charity and we do these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen. Oh no wait, sorry Mormon Church flash back for a moment. We do these things not from fear of a deity that isn’t really there, or because if we don’t, Santa won’t come and give us presents. We do them because it is good for society, and it is good for ourselves. Our lives like any other can be snuffed out in a moment. We know there isn’t anything else, so we have to make this time great.

Coming Out a Second Time

2007-10-02T09:34:00.000-07:00

(Via Pink Atheist in Albuquerque)

I broke my mother's heart in 1995.

I remained chaste and virginal until the age of 27. Hard to believe, I know. But for all of my sexually mature life, I had harbored the secret that "dare not speak its name". At least, that's what it was called a long time ago. I didn't have horrible parents from a fundamentalist religious background. In fact, I was baptized and confirmed a cradle Episcopalian: one of the more progressive members of the protestant family (or it used to be). I was even from Dallas, which though in conservative Texas, is still a pretty hip metropolitan area. But in March of 1995, inexplicably, it was time. It was time to end the lies and be honest about who I am, and possibly be hated for it, rather than loved for who I am not. So, in a period of a week, I came out to everyone. Friends, family, cashiers at the grocery store...ok, I hope I wasn't that bad...but it was a huge burden lifted, and I was happy about it.

As time passed, I got a partner, we adopted a son, and we all attended MCCA. I loved the fellowship of the people there, and I was happy to make my partner happy by attending. But deep inside, I knew as I always had, that I was yet again a liar and a fraud. I was pretending to be a believer in God, though I never really had been.

I grew up thinking of church as a place to go be uncomfortable in dress clothes, and to have potlucks. If the nonexistent god can be thanked for anything it is for deviled eggs, despite the irony in the name. These are the things I miss about church, and I wonder sometimes if the reason so many still cling to church is exactly because of that...we have become strangers to one another in our neighborhoods, and church is now the socio-worship center. I probably think too much, though.

In 2002, I embraced my atheism internally. But I realized that the price I would pay for coming out atheist would be further isolation from the remaining friends and family who had stuck by me the first time I came out. I was also unsure how my partner would take it. He eventually showed me his Christian nature by cheating and walking out on me and our son for a teenage meth addict, then dragging the druggie to church, I guess to ask for forgiveness from god. Knowing I needed no god to be the moral person I was, I decided that it was time to move on. I quit attending church in the summer of 2003. I miss some of the people there.

As time has passed, I found more confidence in who I am, but I have found that the coming out process as an atheist has been slower. I found the Brights, and discovered a like-minded group of people with a much more positive attitude than I have ever considered for atheists. I eventually had the Bright logo modified a bit and tattooed on my left arm. My mom has seen it, and all i told her was that it is a "sunrise from space, symbolizing the age of enlightenment". Technically, that's true. But I left the deeper meaning out of the conversation. She would never try to have an exorcism performed on me, or disown me, but she would spend many more sleepless nights than she already does praying for my "soul". Unless she finds out inadvertently, she will never know this secret.

I won't break my mother's heart again.

From Altar boy to Atheist

2007-09-13T17:02:00.000-07:00

(Via Vince, Part I)

Before I begin, a quick disclaimer. No, my religious world views were not shaped by Father Friendly Fingers touching me in my naughty spot, nor was I the victim of insufferable corporal punishment in Catholic school. The title of this post reflects that I was indeed an actual altar boy. Believe it or not, I actually had quite a positive experience in parochial school and I credit them with planting the seeds of my skeptical nature and logical reasoning abilities.

Now onto the story of my fall from grace.

I suppose to some extent I have always had serious misgivings about god. I was born into a catholic family and attended catholic school, but whenever I thought about god, it didn't make sense from the beginning. I was taught that god is an all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-loving entity. He created the heavens and earth and all its life just for us and gave us dominion over it all. Wow, so far so good right? Here is where it gets a little weird. This wonderful god has only one caveat for us to heed and then we will enjoy all the wonderful benefits of heaven for all eternity. We have to praise him .

I always thought it awfully silly that this omnipotent, omniscient god would: A) give a flying shit what we do, B) punish us for eternity for not giving him praise, and C) have some sort of insecure need to receive our undying praise in the first place. In my freshman year of college I wrote an essay about my views on god and characterized him as reminding me of Stuart Smalley, a character with serious self-esteem issues from Saturday Night Live. I wrote that I could picture him in heaven looking at himself in an ethereal mirror and giving himself daily affirmations, "I'm benevolent enough, I'm omniscient enough, and doggone it those sheep-like bipeds down there really like me!"

I vividly remember being in 7th grade religion class when one of my classmates raised the question about other religions that believe in god but not in being catholic. I would be lying if I told you I could remember her exact response, but to paraphrase : "We believe that our doctrine is correct and not believing in this in its entirety is to deny god and the truth". My teacher's answer started a chain reaction of thoughts in my head. Denying god seems like a pretty big one up there on the list of sins. Would all non-catholics go to hell? Dosen't seem right that you could be a devout Jew, Muslim, or Protestant, live a pure and chaste life, and not make into heaven on a 'technicality'.Shouldn't somebody tell those other religions they are wrong and save their souls? These thoughts rattled around but were soon overpowered by other thoughts that frequently pervade the mind of 13 year old boys. The groundwork for my atheism however, was laid.

During 8th grade, religion was taught by Sister Geraldine. She was a particularly gregarious and thought provoking teacher. The latter trait she exhibited too well it seems in my case. Suddenly I found myself, almost on a daily basis, asking the "hard" questions during religion class. Looking back it seems I was destined to be a White House staff reporter. Many of my questions had to do with biblical stories and the seemingly inconsistencies a big one was reconciling the whole thou shalt not kill thing with say,... anything in the old testament. Try as she might to satisfy my inquisitiveness (read: pain in the ass-edness) She never quite answered my questions. She tried the old "Many of the stories are symbolic and should not be scrutinized literally" defense. I wasn't buying it. This raised more questions than it answered. If not all the stories in the bible are true then who is to say any of it is an actual account of anything? Who gets to decide which bits are what we should believe in and which are just allegorical? On what authority? If we are picking and choosing then how could this be the word of god?

My Doubting Thomas routine continued throughout the year and culminated (not surprisingly- looking back) on my being sent to meet with the monsignor of our parish-one rather physically imposing Father Craven. I supposed I deserved it, I mean I was rather disruptive in her class with my litany of questions she really couldn't answer. In addition to this I had a particularly bad habit of being "talkative" during class and the combination landed me in the most undesirable position of having to "go see the monsignor". I was rather intimidated by his large presence. As I recall he was about 6'6 280lbs (I'm sure in reality he was much smaller but I was in trouble and as everyone knows, disciplinarians always grow in proportion to the trouble you are in) His size, combined with his booming baritone voice, had me fearing for not only my eternal soul, but my hide as well.

Thankfully, after reprimanding me for constantly interrupting Sister Gerri's class, he relaxed his stern demeanor and became rather friendly and easygoing in an avuncular sort of way. I started to tell him of some of my difficulties understanding things in religion class and he listened patiently. He initially offered some of the same explanations that my teacher had but I wasn't going to be assuaged that easily; since I no longer feared for my life, I was free to be the inquisitive pain in the ass again. He tried to answer some of my questions about the veracity of some of the bibles stories I wondered about. He did most of the talking (occupational hazard I guess) but each point he made just led to more questions on my part. As I recall I was only in his office in the rectory for about an hour, but the good father taught me a lot. Not so much about religion, but the wonderful rhetorical tool of the Circular Argument. Or in logical reasoning it is known as the fallacy of petitio principii, or more commonly, begging the question. Here is how it basically went:

Me: "How do we know anything in the bible is true?"

Msgr: "You have to have faith my son."

Me: "Why should we have faith, Father?"

Msgr: "Because the bible tells us so."

Oh, well, since you put it that way, it is as clear as mud! We went around and around in this Abbot and Costello manner for a bit until finally he advised me to go home and pray and things would become clearer as I got a little older. To this day I am not exactly sure what I was supposed to be praying for- Faith? seems like the old circular bit again!

I left there feeling confused and uneasy. Had I just beaten a professional member of the clergy in a religious debate? Surely that couldn't have happened. I must have missed something; maybe I am just not smart enough. I mean so many, many people for thousands of years have believed in god I can't be smarter than all of them.* God has to exist. I am definitely going to hell! Just great.

The good father was right about one thing; it all became much clearer as I got older.

*For the record, I don't think that people who believe in god are all morons. I do think however, that religion incubates, in some people, a particular kind of stupidity of the most dangerous type.

(Via Vince, Part II)
So there I was, 14 years old and rapidly arriving at the conclusion that religion was pure bunk. How did I come to this conclusion? At the very core of my reasoning there were a few facts:

Just about every group of people that ever lived had their own version of religion. Each had its own god, gods, or goddesses. There were hundreds of religions out there and they all had different beliefs.
Each one of these religions believed that it was the correct and true view to have- most preached dire consequences for not believing. This never sat well with me. What about all those people who live isolated in deserts or jungles that, through no fault of their own, never were exposed to the "right religion". It didn't seem fair.
I was raised in, and indoctrinated into, the catholic faith; I was told that this is the one true path to salvation. Furthermore not adhering to the prescribed rules would end me up in a place called hell.

I suppose I should have felt pretty fortunate that, through sheer dumb luck, I was going to be among the few chosen for salvation. (provided I lived by the rules, that is) But I didn't feel so lucky. I had a pretty good grasp of math, even then, and understood basic probability fairly well. Chances were, that the religion I was taught, and followed up to this point, would be turn out to be WRONG! Statistically speaking, most people were going to go to hell for believing the "wrong religion"; and god- at any one point, only had a small fraction of the people following his 'true' laid out path. This was a big red flag for me.

The fact that each religion can point to another and dismiss it so quickly as wrong but still hold onto their particular beliefs is a bit of a non sequitur to me. Each religion explains the divergence between its beliefs and the beliefs of other religions as either: the other guy was primitive, got it wrong, made it up, or is just plain crazy. Ask any Christian, for instance about the existence of Ra, the Egyptian sun god, and they will quickly dismiss it as the superstitious invention of an ignorant populous.(I would wholeheartedly agree) What I found hypocritical was I was taught that Hercules, Apollo, Mars, and Zeus et al. were just mythological "false gods" and rather silly, primitive ones at that. It is nonsense to believe that a god sat in the heavens and hurled lightning bolts to mortals he was displeased with, or that his son was a mutated winged horse. But isn't it also nonsense to believe any of the following:

We are all born with the burden of original sin because a talking snake talked a woman into eating a piece of fruit from a magical tree.
A man invoked god and an entire sea parted and allowed him and his people to simply walk across the ocean floor and then allowed the waters to destroy their pursuers.
The son of god was born to a virgin, was executed, rose from the dead, talked to some people while dead, ascended into heaven, and because of this we can now all enjoy an eternity of bliss in an invisible paradise.
An angel appeared to an Arab merchant and through a series of conversations dictated the Koran upon which Islam is based.
An angel appeared to a convicted criminal and instructed him to dig up a set of magical artifacts in New York including golden plates that had Egyptian inscribed on it. He then used these magical artifacts to translate the plates and produced the Book of Mormon.

Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black! If each religion is considered false by most every other, then it seems to follow that all of them are false; to say nothing of the incredible claims that lay at the heart of their faiths. Why are there are so many religions then if none are true? The answer is pretty obvious.

(Via Vince, Part III)
So why are there so many religions if they are all wrong?

Every culture known to man, at one point or another, invents (or steals from another culture and modifies) its own mythology/religion for several reasons. Not least among these is to 'explain' the things that they did not know. When those needs went away, as in the case of gaining scientific knowledge that explain natural phenomena, or a more fashionable belief came along, that religion died out. Everyone has heard of Zeus, Odin, Jupiter etc., but I'm sure there are hundreds that you haven't heard of precisely because they became obsolete. It is not hard to see that these gods and religions were invented by man. It isn't such a huge leap in logic to see that ALL religions were thusly invented.

This was the beginning of my "descent into atheism". Did I go on a killing spree or start robbing banks? No. I still have the same basic values I did before. Am I unhappy, hopeless, or afraid now since I can't rely on my invisible god to watch over me, grant me wishes, or reunite me with all my lost loved ones in heaven? No, I am a pretty happy guy. What then do I think will happen when I die? I have no proof about what happens when we die (neither does anyone else) but I have no good reason to think anything will happen. I suppose I will just cease to be. This is not a bad thing. It kinda makes you try to 'get it right the first time' and focuses your energy into living life. Plus, I have the added bonus of not wasting any of my time constantly praising or worshiping anything. It is actually quite liberating when you look at it that way.

There are tons of other interesting topics to discuss such as morality, whether religion is a positive or negative thing today, politics and religion, science and religion, etc. etc. but I just wanted to write this as an introduction of how I began to arrive at my views. Hopefully some of you will have comments and opinions to share or debate...stay tuned.

The In-Law Chapter

2007-09-07T09:24:00.000-07:00

(Via Emily)

When I first met the man that would later be my husband, I sat him down and told him that if he really wanted to be with me then he needed to understand something. I am an atheist. I have thought long and hard about this and this is not something that I can change about myself. I have brown hair and hazel eyes. I was born in New Mexico. I am an atheist.

I suppose that since I was so frank with him, he thought that he could be equally frank with his family about who I am. I can see that from his perspective, that would seem like the right thing to do.

Ah, but he was wrong.

You see, people don’t like atheists. We are strange and perhaps frightening to them. I got kicked out of an apartment I was living in once because I am an atheist. I don’t really know why people don’t like us. We don’t live our lives any differently than anyone else. We get up and eat frosted mini-wheat’s and feed the dog, just like the neighbors. But they do.

It all started when I met my future brother-in-law for the fist time. This guy clearly did not like me. I was less of a conversation than an interrogation. He actually asked me what kind of gas mileage my beater Subaru gets. It all finished up with a challenge about why I do not believe in god. He clearly saw me coming. I thought I politely ended to conversation enough. We were at a family dinner, there were children present and I told him that we should end the discussion.

Ah, but I was wrong.

Flash forward about 6 months. My future brother-in-law met someone that he believed was better suited for his baby brother. Her major advantage over me was that she is Christian and goes to bible study regularly.

Ah, but big brother was wrong.

Baby brother did not take the bait and married me instead. So his family had to accept the fact that he married an atheist. At first it was confusion. My sister-in-law had told everyone that I had disrespected her family at that fist meeting. My father-in-law believed that was “going through a phase.” My mother-in-law didn’t participate in the planning of the wedding. My mother was petrified that the wedding would turn into chaos because I refused to have prayers said. My dad just opened a bottle of wine. Things died down and I thought, maybe we could all get along.

Ah, but I was wrong.

My mother-in-law started sending me e-mails with religious overtones. Pray to Jesus, Jesus pray for the troops, send and angel to a friend, friends of angels, friends of Jesus, Jesus is friends with the troops who are angels. You get the idea.

Years ago an old friend of mine from college “found Jesus” as she puts it. Eventually, she started sending me religious e-mail. I told her to stop because I just was not interested. She responded by saying that she knew I am an atheist and sent those messages because she wanted to save me from hell, and that she was praying for my soul, blah, blah, blah. Well, that was the end of that friendship. So with that story in my mind, I wrote my mother-in-law, explained to her my past experiences with these things and asked her to stop. I didn’t believe that I had been disrespectful. I hoped that I was just being honest. I am an atheist. You don’t serve steak to a vegetarian. You don’t sent prayer chains to an atheist.

Ah, but I was wrong.

I received no response to the letter. Ever. This is what I did receive. At my mother-in-law’s birthday dinner, my brother-in-law put his arm around his mother before dinner and stated that since it was Mom’s birthday that we would need to pray. All the while looking at me.

There was a news program recently that discussed faith. One of the stories was about a teenage atheist in the rural west. She played basketball for her high school team. They all said prayer before the game. She refused. And instead of just standing in the group quietly, she chose to walk away. The video of the game opening shows the team in a tight huddle praying with the young atheist standing far away to the side. In those 15 seconds that my brother-in-law said a prayer and I watched my chile rellenos get cold, I understood what that girl felt like. I understood for the first time why it hurts to be an atheist. It is lonely.

We are the outsiders in this very Christian country. We are the misunderstood. I was at a “family” dinner and it was made very clear to me that I was not “family.” When I first came out as an atheist I was not worried about it so much. My parents are atheists, my brother is an atheist, and I have friends who are atheists. If someone did not get it, I blew them off. I never imagined being in this position. That I would have a family and I would have a “family.” That I would have people who understand me and people who will never understand me.

The Nicest Girl Comes Out Godless

2007-09-04T10:51:00.000-07:00

(Via Nicest Girl and Destroyer of Planets)

I was raised Roman Catholic by both of my parents. I suppose they did the best they could in that regard. We went to church fairly regularly (I remember church related stuff only from about age 6 or 7 on) and even attended midnight mass on Christmas and Easter sometimes. I vividly remember many church masses and some of the priests. Our church was called Saint Mary's (eh... there are only so many saints to choose from I guess... and Mary is a popular one) and it was just up the road/within walking distance.

I don't exactly remember the age when I started not believing but I calculate it to be around the age of 9. It had to have been around this time (maybe earlier but I doubt it) because my parents were still married and they did not get divorced until I was about 11 years old. I remember that a lot of my doubt came from mass itself as well as CCD. CCD is a kind of Sunday school that Roman Catholics send their kids to. My mother tried to get us to mass every Sunday at 9:00 AM so, as I said, we did attend church fairly regularly.

My early memories of church include: choir (and wanting to be a part of it), three different priests (including a younger, rude one who came along a little later), excitedly putting money into the basket every week (something I later didn't want any part of and actually remember getting angry about when told we didn't have money for this, that, or the other while we gave away our money to the church every weekend), and the kneeling, standing, kneeling, standing.. over and over (again... something that I started refusing to do. I began to feel that standing up to show respect for a god that I didn't believe in was just as degrading and stupid as kneeling.. but it was harder to not stand up in church than to not kneel).

My early memories of CCD include: hating it, monthly or bimonthly confessionals to the priest, stupid quizzes on certain books in the bible (but I was an over-achiever and often ended up with a gold star on my forehead anyway), videos and harder tests as I got older... oh.. and skipping out on classes to play Nintendo with my best friend, Brooke, who lived next door to the church.

In my opinion, actually, when I think about it... church and CCD were the two things that most likely helped to facilitate my disbelief in the Christian God. Whenever I asked a question in my CCD classes pertaining to, simply, unexplainable subjects, I got those typical bullshit answers. Some of the parents of the other kids in CCD were the teachers (which would explain the typical bullshit answers) so they really had extremely limited knowledge of what they were teaching anyway. The main nun was really mean and nasty and the priests seemed sneaky. They never did anything overtly sneaky.. I just felt that way about them. I hated being forced to have confession with them which was held in a separate room away from everyone else because they didn't have confession booths at the church and I always told them the same stupid things every time. "I hit my brother." "I yelled at my mother." "I didn't listen to my parents." etc.etc. I had it down to a science by the time I was done though I think confession eventually became voluntary (but I could be making that up.. I can't remember). I remember some kids would come out crying after confession and I seem to remember doing it myself as well.. but it was only because I thought that was what you were supposed to do. A little glimpse into how religion has a tendency to brainwash children.

As for CCD itself...ugh... it was so annoying to have to go. The whole thing made me feel uncomfortable and maybe my father (who apparently reads this blog) remembers a time when I was excited to go but I don't (as opposed to church which I do remember being excited to go early on). I remember hating it with a passion. At first we had CCD in the basement of the building next to the church that the priests and nuns lived in. After that we moved to the finished basement of the church itself. At about that point I made friends with a girl named Brooke, from school. We became best buds and ocassionaly got away with skipping out on CCD class. One time I remember Brooke and I came up with this plan where we told the nun and priest that I had my period and since her house was right next door I had to go get pads from her house. It worked. We didn't show up again until the end of the class. Go us! High five to periods! The rest of the time we were in class we would spend a lot of time laughing at the "informational" videos that they showed us (there was one that was some nun talking to a bunch of teenagers about something or other and the camera kept focusing on this one girl who looked like Medusa with a gap in her teeth... we came up with some kind of crazy story while we were watching where the girl would turn into a snake and spit poison.. it was one of those "had to be there" moments because we had a head movement and everything.. everyone watching the movie kept looking at us and totally wanted in on the fun.. but..... nyahnyah!) and intentionally messing up quizzes and whatnot. We couldn't really fail quizzes cuz our parents would have gotten angry but we had a lot of fun coming up with slogans for the ridiculous pictures of Jesus with sheep or whatever.

Anyway, I got on a tangent.. remembering the good ol' days.

Eventually I "came out" to my parents around the age of 13 or 14 or something. My family was not happy about it at all. I didn't want to get confirmed but my mother insisted. After talking to my father and eventually my atheist uncle, I was talked into going through with the confirmation for the sake of my parents (moreso my mother). This was 10th grade so I was 15 at the time. I will say that up until the last minute.. right before the bishop came over to me and asked me the "yes" or "no" question.. I had intended on saying "no" and humiliating my entire family in that church. But I changed my mind. Angrily said "yes" and was finally done with it. I took a picture with the bishop for my mother to look at or whatever (am I smiling in the picture? I should find out...) and.. from that point on... I was no longer required to go to church. I think my mom twisted my arm and made me go to mass with her a couple of times afterwards as a kind of "No! You don't win!" kind of statement but I did win in the end.

My family didn't go nuts over the "atheist thing". I heard the usual "it's just a phase" or "at least she's confirmed so she can get married in a church" and whatever but I was never ostracized or hated by any of them. In fact I got more of a reaming for getting my tongue pierced at 18 than I did for announcing my atheism. But, for me, the whole process seemed to take forever (the getting to confirmation so I didn't have to go to church anymore bit) and was extremely annoying.

I have been godless for over ten years now (hard for me to say an exact age to start at....). Quite proud of it although I won't say that I haven't looked into various religions to see if I haven't just been missing something. I generally dislike the Abrahamic religions. I have a little place in my heart for Buddhism as a philosophy but once you start throwing"heaven" or "gods" or whatever in there.. you lose me. I don't speak of religion with my family (sometimes with my dad, never with my mom, and only when it comes up with non-immediate family members) and it's probably best that way. Religion isn't for me and, in a way, I am glad that I came into my atheism the way that I did. Roman Catholicism totally put me off but ..... "the sweet just ain't as sweet without the bitter, baby."

Does that even fit here? I don't know.

Larro's Story

2007-08-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

(Via Ungodly Cynic)

I grew up pretty much secular/agnostic, but essentially went with the flow growing up. Looking back, I remember reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in school (public) and now resent it. I never gave any thought to religion or spirituality until I started doing drugs (namely LSD) in college (Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale). I'll add that I haven't traveled down that road in quite a long time.

Religion was always a non-issue up until that point.

I've dabbled in mostly new age and pagan stuff; Wicca and Qabala for the most part. With all seriousness I was considering Qabala to be a system I could believe in, down to getting the robes, athame, and accessories. Then, I met my wife and all that dwindled away being replaced by agnosticism.

My in-laws are church-goers and I went to Christmas with them for a few years (Methodist). I didn't care for it and knew it was a bunch of crap, my wife knew I felt that way, but I just didn't care about church. It didn't matter whether I went or not. I was just there.
Later, the in-laws decided they wanted to change their denomination to Episcopal (after some "goings-on" within the Methodist church there). My wife wasn't happy. She wasn't angry, she just didn't like the change. Anyway, there was a little bit of friction regarding this "change". Needless to say it all kinda ticked me off, I guess because of the whole situation in general, and I said, "To hell with all of it, no more."

Since. I have only gone to church once, and that was a Christening, which I would not attend today. Note: I had not "come out" to anybody yet, but only in general conversations whereas I never said: "I'm an atheist. I don't believe in God."

A couple years down the road my father-in-law is over and we are partaking of some beers (I rather enjoy having a few beers with him and discussing politics and current events). Most of what I remember is just flat out telling him "I'm an atheist. I don't believe...", after getting into some debate about a secular issue. His answer was "I feel sorry for you." My retort: "I feel sorry for you." And I honestly do. That was the first time I ever came "out" and told somebody. Him and I are still on speaking terms and we still love to engage in political discussions. He's pretty open-minded about that. Though he'll never change his stance as a true-blue Blue Dog Democrat.

I might add that the whole religious issue arising within the political spectrum in the run-up to the 2000 presidential election really got me riled up. This prompted me to find out what these particular people stood for. And I found dirty truths that drove me further to disregard such jack-asses and...to tell the truth, this (religion and politics/separation of church and state), above all else drives me ideologically.

NOT whether a god exists or not, I could give a rat's ass about that debate. I get so incensed reading blogs written by ex-Christians debating with Christians about the existence of god. What the hell is to be proven? Or disproven? One thing remains untouchable: faith. If one wants to believe in some fairy-tale, then so be it. One other thing remains untouchable: Don't frickin' shove it down my throat. Because I am free to believe what the hell I damn well please to believe.

Sorry, getting heated. Why am I getting heated? Because Christians (and I am lumping them altogether) do not see the cultural implications. They don't see that the "foundation" of religion has influenced almost every aspect of society. That their inaction and complacency enables the problems that arise from putting trust into the hands of "faithful" politicians. I don't know how to put it any other way. When our president starts speaking in code about a "crusade", that should tell you something unless your brain-dead about history. When our dumb-ass president says "I looked into his eyes and saw a kindred spirit." (speaking of Putin), the same man who said "I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job." Who does he think he is? The messiah? Seems some people do.

Coming To Terms With the Letter A (And Other Isms)

2007-08-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

(Via American Scot)

From my earliest memories of childhood I can recall to having had an adverse reaction to going to church.
My father was raised in a Mormon family that was quite devout, my mother's family on the other hand was a mix of Presbyterianism and Alcoholism.( the latter,my grandfathers religion, later to become mine) So my parents felt it was important to put on a good face for my grandmother( dad's side) and have all of us participate in the LDS Primary and Sunday school classes that other children my age participated in.

I remember being dragged from the gymnasium of the church( where we would play before primary) more than a few times to these little indoctrination classes. Mainly because I really couldn't stand to hear about some guy, who looked like my Uncle Leonard (a biker who was killed in a motorcycle accident in 1973) and what he had to say about "The Kingdom of Heaven", or about his father. I did however find the prospect of a "Holy Ghost" kind of cool! ( I was 6) Then they would begin to drone on about some man by the name of Joseph Smith, and how he was a profit of our heavenly father. Just like Spencer Kimball. (LDS President at the time) And some jazz about golden plates and a bunch of other hullaballoo! Needless to say, this was all too boring for me. But for my baptism at 8, I stopped going to primary and Sunday school until I reached the age of eleven. All reluctantly for two reasons,to attend Boy Scouts and look at cute girls.

As a teen I became involved in the LDS Priesthood almost by accident. All of my friends at the time were forced to attend church on Sunday. So I started to tag along for kicks. It was seventh grade, and since my birthday is in August, most of my friends were half a year older then me. So they all "graduated" from being Deacons, to Teachers before me (to much time to explain, read this) So I was given the post of being the Deacons Quorum President. I'll never forget how it all came about. I was asked in to see the Bishop of our ward. He sat me down and proceeded to tell me and I quote "We (the brethren) have been praying for guidance in choosing a new Deacons Quorum President, and God has directed us to you." I just about fell out of my chair! You see, at the time I had been smoking marijuana and drinking regularly for a year! At first I thought, "well maybe this is a sign for me to change." Then later after accepting the position. I realized it was a "warm body" thing, and the whole thing was a farce! My parents made me stick to this responsibility, half assed I did, but I still continued to get stoned and drink!

By the time I was in high school, I had completely given up on Mormonism. I renounced my membership, and made it abundantly clear to my classmates I was not the least bit interested in going back to their church! Of course this made dating a challenge, as most of the girls in my high school were LDS. More than a few tried to talk me into going to church with them, but I resisted.

Once out of high school, I met more like minded people, and began to broaden my horizons so to speak. I ran with a crowd that was made up of a Lutheran, a Catholic, a Baptist, a Greek Orthodox, and another ex Mormon. We had many discussions about religion and I was exposed to different ideas. Our common thread was that we were all unhappy with religion of our parents. We shunned religion, and looked for god in drugs and booze.

This trend lasted for quite some time. Then in my early twenties, my addictions began to take a toll on my mental health. As I blogged before, I ended up in a psych ward of a Catholic owned hospital, after a futile attempt at my own life. (Thank goodness!) While in the ward I was visited by a social worker who was also a Nun. She was very kind to me, and comforted me a great deal. We discussed my "spiritual" condition and I asked her some questions about her faith, which she readily answered. So upon release I contacted my friend who happened to be going through conversion classes at a Catholic Church nearby where we grew up. He invited me along to see what it was all about. I had always had a fascination with Catholicism, I then remembered going to Midnight Mass with an old girlfriend and how I was awed by the pageantry. So I felt like maybe it would be a great help. After a year and a half of classes, and the dating of a girl from a devout Catholic family, I was baptized and confirmed at Easter Vigil. After the relationship with the girl ended, and the priest whom I respected retired, (He admitted that the Old Testament was all story and not meant to be taken literally) I grew disillusioned with going to mass, and as quickly as it began I was no longer a practicing Catholic.

I then began to question the existence of a heavenly guardian again, but this time I was influenced by the astronomy class I was taking at school. I read of the Big Bang, and of star nurseries, where old materials from stars are reformed to create new ones. I also learned of how all the elements that make up our universe are contained within us. I saw a cycle that made more sense to me, then any mythical creator working with magic and clay to create us and our environment. This was the foundation of my agnosticism.

Again I was forced to make a choice of belief. Again it was over my drinking and drugging. I hit a bottom and ended up going to AA. I was desperate to find help, so when they (the other members) spoke about god and how he/she/it was the answer to not drinking, and the only way to find god was through the 12 steps. I tightly held my nose and drank the medicine. Soon I was sober,and things began to look up for me. I was experiencing acceptance from others like me. And it felt good. How could it not? I wasn't drunk every night and hung over every morning! All the while I was being told this was all "gods will" for me. So I faked my beliefs, and held fast to the people around me. I didn't want to rock the boat, so I kept my agnosticism inside.

I then moved from SLC to Chicago when I took my current job, and I really had a hard time getting involved in AA here. So eventually I stopped going to meetings. Well as you might guess, I relapsed and struggled in and out of AA for the next six years. All the while finding it harder and harder to believe in a god. And the more I struggled with my belief, the more I struggled with staying sober. Finally in 2003 I gave up the drinking and went back to AA. But this time I decided to do it on my own terms. I decided from day one that I wasn't going to pray to any "higher power" or work the steps in the manner that most think they should be done. (belief in god) I soon found out that there were others that felt the same way as I, and some openly talk about their atheism. I still attend AA, but not to hear about god and the steps, but to be reminded of why I don't drink anymore. The support of others who know what it is like to suffer in addiction is a very powerful thing, a "higher power" if you will. Having said all of this, I can honestly say that I am more at peace with myself, then I've ever been.

So I guess this is where I will own up to that Red A on the right hand side of this blog.
I am an atheist! I don't believe in a god, nor can I prove there isn't one. I'll leave that up to you!
If you have the same struggles as I have had, don't despair! You can be an atheist and stay sober, and do it with a smile!