Atheism not Porn

(Via Susan)

I was an "active" member of our fading Southern Baptist Church back in the 1970's. It pleased my mom to no end that I attended Sunday service (twice) and Wednesday night service. As I said the church was fading, very few young people and about 200 old people (mostly women). I kept my nose clean, mumbled along with others, played piano for some of the Sunday school classes, and just tried to fit in (and stand out, as I am an outgoing person). I was interested in cults (still am)and never ever heard of someone not being a believer in God in some way or form.

As I got older I started to question why I did not seem to feel the same euphoria and blessings that others did. I prayed all the time asking Jesus to show me a sign that he was listening to me. I pretended to hear God talk to me, and even got Baptized (never had it done all these long years). I was SURE that after the Baptism I would "feel" something, but nothing ever happened. I had no thoughts of skepticism, or Atheism or actually anything but wanting to experience what everyone else was experiencing.

It came to a head when our pastor asked everyone to wear these little buttons that said, "I've Found It!" (I think they were green). I did not want to wear it because I had not "found it" I was still looking for it (check behind the couch I can hear you yelling). I found all kinds of excuses for not wearing it, my pastor kept asking me why I kept forgetting it or losing it, finally after he had given me several I just knew something was wrong with me. The program finally faded and they stopped wearing them, but it had already forced me to face the reality that I was having trouble believing.

I wish I could remember where I heard about Atheism, I must have been about 17, but it was profound. The idea that people did not believe! Wow! I could not discuss this with my mother (My dad was an nonpracticing Catholic, and we never talked about religion). We did not have that kind of relationship. I wish now I had gone to my Dad, he used to read the Bible and my mom told me much later that she feared he was a non-believer. One of my mom's greatest fears when my dad was alive was that he was going to hell, as a teenager I had serious problems with this, and did not like this option for my dad who seemed to be a "moral" person.

Anyway, somehow I got a hold of the word Atheist, I do remember looking it up in the Encyclopedia (we didn't have the Internet back then folks) I went to the library and found Madeline Murry's book "Why I am an Atheist". That was jaw-dropping in my world. I checked that book out several times (always sneaking it between other books I was checking out so the library staff didn't notice). Thankfully my sister had moved out by this time so I had a room to myself, imagine me sneaking this book into my room, hiding it in my closet. Then sneaking peeks at in while still in the closet, I was afraid my mom would find it if I left it in my bed. I have no doubt that it would have been horrible for me if found, I can't imagine my mom finding porn or having to chose between the two as the most horrible. I guess I could have said that the Atheist book was for a school project, but if she didn't believe me I would have been in big trouble (I don't even want to think about it).

Somehow I grew up and managed to get a hold of other writings, and selected the term "Agnostic" to reflect my beliefs. I didn't want to make waves, and this sounded so much better, also most people didn't know what it meant. I started trying out my new beliefs on select people, and did okay. Much later I came out as an Atheist. My mom found out somehow, I was a mother and living with my then husband at the time, independent of her. I talked to her about some of the problems with the Bible, and she got upset for attacking her and her religion (its never okay to do that, but always okay to attack Atheists in their mind). In fairness to her, she had never had her beliefs challenged (I suppose) everyone was always a Christian or a non-Christian never a non-believer.

As a new mom I toyed with the idea of making my kids more "moral" and sending them to Church. My non-religious husband who never took a stand on anything said that he had turned out okay, so why make our children attend church. Very good decision. My sons are now 20 and 17, very much atheists. I read whatever I want now, and my kids and I discuss all kinds of topics.

I became friends with my mom about 6 years ago, we spent quite a lot of time together, never best friends, just her closest friend. We never discuss religion, but avoid that topic. One year at a fair she went up to a booth for Women's Right to Choice and told them, "good job" and bought a button from them. I was so proud I had no idea how she felt about that issue.

The last 3 years my mom's health is fading, I moved her into my home, and took over her care. Her quality of life improved a lot (socially) and she was the queen of our household. Today, she is 85 and dying at a rest home. She had been in and out of the hospital and rest home, we always hoped she would come back to us, but the doctor said to prepare ourselves. Her body is just giving up, she was so active and alive. But I am not sad, I know I did the right thing in giving her these last few years.

My siblings may experience guilt after she dies (for not spending enough quality time with her) but I don't. I made YouTube videos of her, and put her in our family Christmas photos, we even had a neighborhood Christmas party at my home last year so she could socialize with everyone. If my kids do the same for me when the time comes I will be very happy. My best friend, (a Creationist Christian) has told me on two occasions that she thinks I'm one of the moralist people she knows. She even told all her church friends that she can't understand how I can be an Atheist. "Too bad", she says that "I'm still going to hell". Fine with me, at least I can hang out with my dad.

Now I find myself planning her religious funeral, am in the process of talking to Pastors, and writing her obit. Her church friends (probably don't know) that I'm a foaming at the mouth Atheist, I will not disrespect them and her by making my feelings known. But I bet I will get some interesting comments on my Christian attributes once they pay their respects in a few weeks.

I have not read any of the other "coming-out" stories yet. Wanted to get mine in before being influenced by other stories. Looking forward to reading them today